Although my husband never reads my blog, I want to wish him a happy Father's Day. We unfortunately do not have our own bundle of joy, but I know that when the time comes - and it will - he will be the most wonderful father to that lucky, lucky child.
Even though he doesn't say it, he's very emotionally invested in being a dad. Last night I was talking about a baby name I loved, and he then spent about 45 minutes going through baby name websites looking up names he liked. It was very touching, and reminded me that he's in this just as much as I am. It'll take the two of us to get through this.
Love you like a turtle loves a dove, Derek.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
The Sonohysterogram
I am the type of person that likes to know all of the details before I make a decision or do something important. When it comes to work, I am the person that reads the entire manual, including the introduction and glossary. When I go to the dentist for a filling, I ask to see the x-rays, get a description of why he thinks I need the work done, and ask how it's going to be done. When I'm getting some sort of procedure done, like a Sonohysterogram, I Google it.
Search one: Sonohysterogram
Search two: Sonohysterogram procedure
Search three: Sonohysterogram pain
Search four: Sonohysterogram horrifying pain
Search five: Sonohysterogram death
Yeah, that's me.
So after scaring the crap out of myself, I followed the instructions for taking the preventative antibiotics, took the Naproxen two hours before the scheduled procedure, and also took some leftover Valium I had (from the dentist).
We arrived at the clinic early and waited for my turn to go in. Luckily for me (or was it unluckily?), they were on time and I was quickly escorted into the back on my own. Husbands, or anyone for that matter, aren't allowed to come in the room. I was led to a curtained off area and instructed to strip from the waist down and put on a paper robe. Once the room was set up, they led me in and asked me to get up on the table.
The nurses and doctors were great. They explained everything that was going to happen (they all do this at the fertility clinic - its awesome for someone like me that needs to know everything). The nurse started off with the dildo cam (yeah, that's not the right term for it, but it's more fun to say) and checked my lining, ovaries and follicles. Once that was done, two doctors came in to perform the Sonohysterogram.
The procedure starts with the insertion of a speculum and then they start to insert a catheter in through the cervix. This is where it always sucks for me. My cervix always seems to be in an odd position and has a curve in it. They always say 'this might pinch'. Hahaha, yeah... Once they slaughter my cervix and get the catheter through, they need to inflate this balloon on the catheter to ensure there is enough room for the saline to get through. This fucking hurt. A lot. And then, while I was already moaning in pain, they start to inject the saline. This really fucking hurt.
Guess what they did next, while I'm laying on the table trying to control my breathing? They put the dildo cam back in and started taking pictures, discussing what they saw on the screen that I couldn't see. All I heard was stuff like 'polyps', 'fibroid', 'what is that?' and similar scary things. The nurse did a great job of telling me I was doing a great job, and finally, after about five minutes, it was all over.
So, here's the thing - I have a two cm 'lesion' in my uterus, right next to some scar tissue that has caused a 'false passage', which is important to know for embryo placement (they won't stick to the scar tissue, so they need to avoid it during IVF). The lesion needs to be looked at and probably removed via hysteroscopy and D&C, so next week they'll schedule me in for surgery. This is similar to the surgery I had in April 2010 and I'll be going under (thank goodness).
Anyway, I think I'm one of the minority that has a painful experience with this procedure. Normally, it's a pretty basic procedure and is really not that bad. Maybe I'm just extra wussy, or maybe I'm just extra lucky and my body is constructed in a way that makes everything hurt worse then normal. Who knows?
I guess it's another bump in the road, but if I get in for the surgery relatively quickly, this shouldn't delay anything. It just sucks.
Damn, I hate infertility.
Search one: Sonohysterogram
Search two: Sonohysterogram procedure
Search three: Sonohysterogram pain
Search four: Sonohysterogram horrifying pain
Search five: Sonohysterogram death
Yeah, that's me.
So after scaring the crap out of myself, I followed the instructions for taking the preventative antibiotics, took the Naproxen two hours before the scheduled procedure, and also took some leftover Valium I had (from the dentist).
We arrived at the clinic early and waited for my turn to go in. Luckily for me (or was it unluckily?), they were on time and I was quickly escorted into the back on my own. Husbands, or anyone for that matter, aren't allowed to come in the room. I was led to a curtained off area and instructed to strip from the waist down and put on a paper robe. Once the room was set up, they led me in and asked me to get up on the table.
The nurses and doctors were great. They explained everything that was going to happen (they all do this at the fertility clinic - its awesome for someone like me that needs to know everything). The nurse started off with the dildo cam (yeah, that's not the right term for it, but it's more fun to say) and checked my lining, ovaries and follicles. Once that was done, two doctors came in to perform the Sonohysterogram.
The procedure starts with the insertion of a speculum and then they start to insert a catheter in through the cervix. This is where it always sucks for me. My cervix always seems to be in an odd position and has a curve in it. They always say 'this might pinch'. Hahaha, yeah... Once they slaughter my cervix and get the catheter through, they need to inflate this balloon on the catheter to ensure there is enough room for the saline to get through. This fucking hurt. A lot. And then, while I was already moaning in pain, they start to inject the saline. This really fucking hurt.
Guess what they did next, while I'm laying on the table trying to control my breathing? They put the dildo cam back in and started taking pictures, discussing what they saw on the screen that I couldn't see. All I heard was stuff like 'polyps', 'fibroid', 'what is that?' and similar scary things. The nurse did a great job of telling me I was doing a great job, and finally, after about five minutes, it was all over.
So, here's the thing - I have a two cm 'lesion' in my uterus, right next to some scar tissue that has caused a 'false passage', which is important to know for embryo placement (they won't stick to the scar tissue, so they need to avoid it during IVF). The lesion needs to be looked at and probably removed via hysteroscopy and D&C, so next week they'll schedule me in for surgery. This is similar to the surgery I had in April 2010 and I'll be going under (thank goodness).
Anyway, I think I'm one of the minority that has a painful experience with this procedure. Normally, it's a pretty basic procedure and is really not that bad. Maybe I'm just extra wussy, or maybe I'm just extra lucky and my body is constructed in a way that makes everything hurt worse then normal. Who knows?
I guess it's another bump in the road, but if I get in for the surgery relatively quickly, this shouldn't delay anything. It just sucks.
Damn, I hate infertility.
Friday, June 3, 2011
There must be a weird grieving process when it comes to infertility.
If there is a grieving process, I think I'm in the 'acceptance' phase. It's weird how time and diversions change your feelings about how much time you have left. What I mean is, there have been a few things that have come up that will delay the IVF a couple of months, but I think I'm ok with that. A few months ago, this would have devastated me.
Delay number one: I need to do a Sonohysterogram before they will register us for our two day IVF / Donor Program seminars, which are mandatory. The catch is that the next seminar is in July, today is Day 2 of my cycle, and they need to do the procedure on day 6 to 10 of my cycle, so we are cutting it close. It's hit and miss if they have room for the Sonohysterogram for any given person month to month, so I call on Cycle Day 1, and from there it's just a wait for a last minute call with an appointment. If I don't get in this month, we won't qualify for the July seminars. If we don't get in to the July seminars, the next ones aren't until September. I doubt we'll get in for July (I haven't heard back from the clinic since I called yesterday).
Delay number two: When I started my new job (which I LOVE!), they said that they'd prefer for me to start my Masters program in January rather then September because September will be very busy with big, big projects kicking off that I will be fully involved in. So, I called the University to get my dates changed around only to be told that they will not be offering the January class any more. So it's September, or September. I have no choice, and my boss indicated today that we will just have to figure things out. The thing is, I have a three week residency in October, and certainly can't take my medications / injections while I'm there, not to mention the monitoring that has to happen. That pushes us to November to start everything.
Another thing: our closest couple friends are pregnant. She had told me she wasn't 'ready to give up her freedom' but apparently she was, because she's eight weeks. Everyone around me is pregnant right now.
I think I'm ok with this. I've been really busy so far this summer - time in Penticton, B.C., cycling with the team, a half marathon last weekend, another half scheduled for July, family reunion on the coast in August - I'm too busy to process and / or cry right now. Is this a good thing? Or am I just holding it all in and heading for disaster? Guess we'll see.
Delay number one: I need to do a Sonohysterogram before they will register us for our two day IVF / Donor Program seminars, which are mandatory. The catch is that the next seminar is in July, today is Day 2 of my cycle, and they need to do the procedure on day 6 to 10 of my cycle, so we are cutting it close. It's hit and miss if they have room for the Sonohysterogram for any given person month to month, so I call on Cycle Day 1, and from there it's just a wait for a last minute call with an appointment. If I don't get in this month, we won't qualify for the July seminars. If we don't get in to the July seminars, the next ones aren't until September. I doubt we'll get in for July (I haven't heard back from the clinic since I called yesterday).
Delay number two: When I started my new job (which I LOVE!), they said that they'd prefer for me to start my Masters program in January rather then September because September will be very busy with big, big projects kicking off that I will be fully involved in. So, I called the University to get my dates changed around only to be told that they will not be offering the January class any more. So it's September, or September. I have no choice, and my boss indicated today that we will just have to figure things out. The thing is, I have a three week residency in October, and certainly can't take my medications / injections while I'm there, not to mention the monitoring that has to happen. That pushes us to November to start everything.
Another thing: our closest couple friends are pregnant. She had told me she wasn't 'ready to give up her freedom' but apparently she was, because she's eight weeks. Everyone around me is pregnant right now.
I think I'm ok with this. I've been really busy so far this summer - time in Penticton, B.C., cycling with the team, a half marathon last weekend, another half scheduled for July, family reunion on the coast in August - I'm too busy to process and / or cry right now. Is this a good thing? Or am I just holding it all in and heading for disaster? Guess we'll see.
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