Struggles with Infertility

Being a parent is not something that everyone has as a goal in life. But once you decide that you want to be a parent, and you are unable to, your life can either unravel, or you can try to find meaning in your struggles. This blog is me trying to find meaning.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Crossroads and Roadblocks

I am struggling at a crossroads. Right around this time seven years ago, we started actively trying to get pregnant. Seven years. Sometimes when I think of how much time that actually is, I get a sick feeling in my stomach. Even more upsetting, we have never used any form of birth control. Derek and I have been together for 13 years and have never had a successful pregnancy. It's really staggering, actually, and the hope that I still hold on to month to month seems wasted when I think of our entire journey.

Getting my period, even after a month of trying, is easier. I remember a time when I could not think of never having a child without breaking in to tears and changing the subject. The deep yearning to be a mother is still there, but it's easier to bear. Time does heal, it does get better, but it will never be gone.

I (we) waver back on forth on what our path forward is on a weekly, even daily basis. Some days I feel like I will never give up, we will keep going until we have a biological child or we can not try any longer. Some days I think we should stop after the FET and pursue adoption. Some days I just want to give up, have our embryos donated or destroyed, and try to move on. I have fears that my time is coming too soon - my cycles are changing and are not as regular as they used to be. This scares me, but could also be a relief, maybe. Some days I think about overpopulation, and how the world is changing, and wonder why I would bring a child in to this? Then I realize I'm perhaps overthinking, being irrational and dramatic. Perhaps there's a bit of rationalization there.

I suppose this is a bit of a vent in the face of another roadblock. I went in for a PAP about a month ago. Two weeks later, I get a letter from Alberta Cervical Cancer Screening Program. My results are abnormal, though not severely so. Abnormal enough that I have to go for a colposcopy. Abnormal enough that we can't do our FET until this is all sorted out. The referral is sent and I should have my appointment date in the next couple of weeks, with a high probability that the appointment will be in June or July, maybe August. The results will go one of two ways - either they advise me to 'keep an eye on it' and continue PAP's every six months, but we can go ahead with the FET. Or they will send me for a LEEP or cone biopsy (I had a LEEP about four years ago - same situation). If I need a LEEP or cone biopsy, I need an all clear before moving forward. So, we'd be looking at about a year or so of more waiting.

There is no use getting upset at this point. I suppose I'm getting used to this, even philosophical. I have to remind myself that this isn't the Universe telling us something (there really isn't such a thing), that maybe the best things come to those who wait. But it's that ongoing struggle, the one I think about every day, every night as I'm falling asleep, every moment I'm alone. It's that struggle that makes me want to stop; it's the hope that keeps me going.