tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14898773713453928462024-03-21T20:28:21.418-07:00The Quest to be a MomEmilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.comBlogger115125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-42117428524294809752021-07-25T17:32:00.001-07:002021-07-25T17:32:14.256-07:00Doors<p>They say that when one door shuts, another one opens. In our case, one door opened, and another will now shut. I recently accepted an expat assignment with my employer in Kazakhstan with my departure set for mid-September. Unfortunately, in the province of Alberta (and in most provinces in Canada), you can not be on the adoption wait list if you are not a resident.</p><p>We officially landed on the private adoption wait list in September 2019. Between then and the end of June when we closed our file we had four consult calls. The consults were all situations slightly outside of the boxes we checked, and in three of those instances we said no. In one of those instances, we said yes, but were not selected. We also had at least one other viewing of our file by a birth mom or parents who were a perfect match to our files, but who ultimately chose another family to place their child with.</p><p>This journey started for us in 2007 with my first miscarriage. 14 years of heartbreak, hope, grief, and coming to terms with it all. There are multiple conflicting feelings about finally closing this door - sadness and relief, some anger and resentment, and maybe a bit of guilty excitement. But I won’t regret one minute of it because it’s made us who we are individually and as a couple, and brought us to this next stage of our life. </p><p>So this is my last post and I will be officially closing this blog. I hope those that land here find some of the historical posts informative (I describe the process for a lot of fertility treatments, and touch a lot on the feelings associated with infertility), and I’ll probably come back to look at it from time to time. All the best as you walk your path to whichever door you ultimately cross through.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcxMq8PquYn3qiMsIPOgnPa0COSTpwzRZxu4144r1wEZ_hxiepgPADZGBgEkqfhkmVEoopUH1htj_LzaKhMMtTV2W2TZ15gIsbljm38WTYsnkxyAmdv7XEoXVkz5MZgoWr62N-3hAjVL-e/s2048/F6CAEC5F-7119-4D91-B22C-AFD66E90D1FC.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcxMq8PquYn3qiMsIPOgnPa0COSTpwzRZxu4144r1wEZ_hxiepgPADZGBgEkqfhkmVEoopUH1htj_LzaKhMMtTV2W2TZ15gIsbljm38WTYsnkxyAmdv7XEoXVkz5MZgoWr62N-3hAjVL-e/s320/F6CAEC5F-7119-4D91-B22C-AFD66E90D1FC.jpeg" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-83842273658133602632020-04-08T14:49:00.000-07:002020-04-08T14:49:37.385-07:00The Wait
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">For us, when it comes to the adoption process, the anxiety
of <i><strong>the wait</strong></i> feels different. I can compartmentalize better, because I’m
not focused on the physical aspects of my body, like I would if we were pregnant.
Our wait has been about two years, most of which was the process of getting
paperwork, training, and records checks done in order to be placed on ‘the list’.
We admittedly undertook that exercise a bit slower than most, as we were still
unsure of if this was our next step. But ultimately, we checked the last of the
boxes in September.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The adoption process and timeline itself is lengthy and
expensive. After a potential adoptive parent or couple is placed on the list,
the wait in Alberta for private placement is two to three years. The timeline
varies based on your matching criteria, and over the last few years the number
of children placed for adoption has decreased for a variety or reasons. Some
provinces in Canada have a wait list of up to ten years, so we count ourselves
lucky. Costs range from $15,000 to $25,000 for private domestic adoption, while
international adoption is closer to $100,000 depending on the country. As you
can understand, this is why ‘just adopt’, which I’ve heard more than a few
times in our 12+ years of infertility, isn’t really as easy at it sounds (stop
saying that!).</span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">
</span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So for us, we buckled in for a multi-year wait. However, a
few weeks ago we received a call asking if we were interested in showing our
file to a potential birth family. We had one hour to decide. You can imagine
the stress of that hour given our current COVID-19 situation across the globe
(I am working from home, Derek is a first responder, so out working with the
public), and the fact that I just received a promotion at work. We were not
prepared for this, and wouldn’t have been for at least a year and a half. We
had one of the most critical conversations of our marriage in the same amount
of time it takes to watch an episode of your favourite Netflix series, and said
yes.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This doesn’t mean we’re matched. It means we are in a
different type of wait. The type where you think about those birth parents
daily, knowing that they are making one of the most difficult and loving
decisions of their lives. You hope it’s you, and you reassure yourself you will
be ok if it’s not. You think about what if’s and restrain yourself from
daydreaming too much. It’s a different wait, but difficult in it’s own way. We
hope this phase of wait is over soon, and that however it turns out, it’s the
best decision for the child and birth parents.</span><br />
Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-43168139833353935052020-02-28T19:50:00.004-08:002020-02-28T19:53:12.388-08:00You are not aloneOver the nine years I've had this blog - which sadly I don't update near as often as I used to - I've had friends and acquaintances (almost all women) reach out to me to share their stories. They share bits and pieces of their own personal journeys and I'm sad for the fact that they too have to feel the grief and despair of all the pain that is infertility. I am also always so impressed at the strength and resiliency of these women, how they can carry on with their daily lives with sorrow coursing through their bodies, as if everything is normal. They are always holding themselves together while their grief is churning within their core.<br />
<br />
<br />
I want you to know you are not alone. There are many of us - way too many - and we are here for you. I am here for you. Reach out if you need support and feel comfortable talking about it. I'm so sorry you are going through this, it's not fair, and it's not your fault.<br />
<br />
<br />
It's been eight months since I lost my ability to naturally conceive and I still haven't really processed it yet. If I think about it too hard I tear up and my thoughts start screaming so I think of something else. One day soon I'll face it (it really is important to face your pain and work through it so you can come out stronger on the other side), but in the meantime we continue to wait. We were officially 'on the list' in September 2019, however 'the list' is about two or three years long. Maybe one day we will get a call, and we will be able to say yes. Or maybe not. I try not to think too hard about it right now. <br />
<br />
<br />
So in the meantime I think about all of you and how you might feel sad and grief-stricken, and a bit alone like me. But you're not. I'm here, thinking of you and hoping you find peace on the other side of this journey.Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-18116874484488094792019-06-28T09:40:00.000-07:002019-06-28T09:44:02.921-07:00The end of a difficult eraIt’s been just over a year since I last updated this blog. I thought about making an update post a number of times, but felt I didn’t have much to say yet. We started the private adoption process in the spring of 2018 - life events slowed us down but we continued to walk through each step and will soon be on “the list”, hopefully kicking off the beginning of a new adventure. But this post isn’t about beginnings, it’s about endings.<br />
<br />
On June 14 our beloved dog Khuno crossed the rainbow bridge peacefully at home. It was a very difficult decision but it was the right one. We planned to spend the weekend grieving the loss, however on Sunday, June 16 - Fathers Day - I had a very positive pregnancy test. Over the years I have had five natural pregnancies, however all were early losses and each time my tests were light and didn’t progress. This was different, and we were incredibly hopeful.<br />
<br />
The next day I saw my family doctor who confirmed the pregnancy and ordered blood work. The complicating factor was that we had a month-long trip to Africa planned and would be leaving in less than two weeks. Given my history, and the fact that we had an ectopic pregnancy in 2011 (when I lost my left fallopian tube), we insisted on an ultrasound before we left on our trip to confirm an intrauterine pregnancy.<br />
<br />
Over the last week and a half, we grew increasingly excited as my tests continued to progress and I had perfectly doubling betas. Two days after my positive test, my beta was 212; five days later and a week after the first positive pregnancy test, my beta was at 1321, a 45-hour doubling time. We have NEVER had such perfect numbers. I now know that on Wednesday, June 26, my beta was 2681, again a near perfect doubling time. If we relied only on bloodwork, everything was perfect.<br />
<br />
On Wednesday afternoon we went in for our ultrasound. I lay on the table unable to see the screen while Derek stared intently at what the tech was marking off on each image. Once done, she made no indication of results one way or another and just said she needed to confirm her interpretation with the doctor and would return in a few minutes. Once she left, I asked Derek what he saw on the screen; he saw her mark ‘fetus’. For the first time in a decade of infertility they could see something on the ultrasound. This was it, our miracle.<br />
<br />
Less than five minutes later the doctor briskly walked in and introduced himself. After he shook our hands, he said “I’m so sorry, but the pregnancy is ectopic and it’s in your right tube. You need to go to emergency immediately. I have called ahead and they are expecting you.” I thought he must be joking, but quickly realized no one would joke about this. Everything came crashing down hard. This was it, the end.<br />
<br />
Wednesday night I went in for surgery to remove the perfectly developing ectopic pregnancy along with my remaining fallopian tube. While it is difficult to come to terms with the fact that I will never again have the possibility of a miracle natural pregnancy, it is admittedly a weight off my shoulders that we will never go through this again. We will never have the stress of poorly progressing pregnancy tests and the inevitable loss, nor will we need to worry about an ectopic pregnancy and risks to my health. The ups and downs of infertility are soul crushing, and my soul is at its limit.<br />
<br />
We have other options under way and perhaps one day it will happen for us. I am incredibly thankful we were able to catch this before we left - a ruptured ectopic in an African country could have killed me. For now, we are focusing on healing together emotionally; luckily I am recovering well physically and we have travel insurance. Although we have had to postpone our departure date by almost a week (we were meant to leave today), we will still have three weeks of healing time in Africa. When we get back, we can start moving forward once again.Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-16152364840596651242018-06-15T16:05:00.002-07:002018-06-15T16:05:46.149-07:00Don’t give up on meI started this blog on <a href="https://struggleswithinfertility.blogspot.com/2011/03/this-blog.html" target="_blank">March 9, 2011</a>, 10 days after our second IUI, and two years in to our infertility journey. It’s interesting to see how the number of posts increase and decrease over the years, in line with our treatments and failures. My last post was on <a href="https://struggleswithinfertility.blogspot.com/2017/08/" target="_blank">August 5, 2017,</a> when we were still trying to decide what our next steps are.<br />
<br />
We have decided. We are pursuing private adoption. This has been a work in progress since the beginning of the year, and honestly, I have had limited energy to update this blog while we sorted out the nuts and bolts. We are finally here though, and next weekend we do our two day mandatory $1,200 information session as the first step. Our hopes are high - placement in our province usually happens within two years - but tempered due to all the failures we’ve had over the years. We’ll take it as it comes, as we’ve learned to do over time.<br />
<br />
Much more to come, but we’re still here, and we haven’t given up just yet.Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-87173157649607790632017-08-05T09:20:00.000-07:002017-08-05T09:20:01.498-07:00The Importance of Being HonestWe are still in a holding pattern, which is why I've been slow with blog posts. My posts here always happen after I've given some good thought to what I'm going to say, and to be honest, I've not been giving a lot of thought to our fertility journey the last few months. However, we are coming up on a year since our 2016 IVF, and I've come to the unfortunate realization that I'm coming up on 40 (what?!).<br />
<br />
Throughout this process we have had times where we are not on the same page. In fact, we are usually on different pages, if not completely different chapters. It's a re-occurring theme requiring some honest conversations to find ourselves somewhere in the middle. Generally our conversations relate to timing, though recently it's been focused on next steps. But the key is that we have those horribly painful honest conversations, and communicate our individual expectations and boundaries. I also want to point out that expectations and boundaries can change over time for each partner, which is why it's important to keep talking.<br />
<br />
Another point I wanted to make was that sometimes it's ok to say you no longer want ownership over driving your fertility journey. Typically, in a heterosexual relationship, it's the woman's job to do the research, make the appointments, handle the finances, find the surrogate, and so on. That is a huge burden, especially over time, and especially when you also need to continue to work on being aligned. Sometimes you need to step back and say you need help. If you're both in this together, maybe sharing the workload is a reasonable approach in your relationship. Work together for your shared outcome: a baby. Of course, I recognize that every relationship is different, so do what works for you. But make sure it's a joint decision. You're in this together, for the long run.Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-56590379789948716412017-03-10T12:57:00.001-08:002017-03-10T12:57:14.550-08:00The Tipping PointAt some point earlier this year, as I wrote '2017' as part of a date in my notebook, I realized that we have entered year ten of trying to conceive. It was a bit of a shock; we are in the double digits, can ascribe the term 'decade' to our journey now. To say it and think it, it seems like forever, but to experience it is different. It doesn't seem quite that long (I was also a teenager just a few years ago, I swear!).<br />
<br /><br />
I think I've mentioned before that our first recorded pregnancy was discovered as we were losing it. It was right around the time Derek was finishing Fire Training school, and we weren't yet prepared to be parents. Despite that, the hope and short term joy that had been triggered in that small span of time before it was a confirmed loss was enough to push us towards wanting to actually <em>try</em>.<br />
<br /><br />
You all know most of the story that follows. The years of heartbreak, sorrow, and grief. But what I wanted to write about was my tipping point. The point where I was finally ok with being a parent, or not. The point where I could talk about our sad journey without dissolving in to tears. Where I could talk about a life without kids, and be ok with it. I started reflecting on this after I had a conversation with a friend last week about our infertility and she said 'How do you talk about this without crying?' as she teared up on our behalf.<br />
<br /><br />
That tipping point for me came about two and a half years ago. It started as a question from our therapist (whom we've been with for almost a decade as well, and which I strongly recommend for anyone). She asked me if I would "be happy with just Derek for the rest of your life?" She was asking me what makes me whole. Would I be whole and happy <em>only</em> if we had children? Or could I be whole and happy if it was just Derek and I? <br />
<br /><br />
I spent some time reflecting on this, and ultimately came to the decision that yes, I could be happy if it was just the two of us. He makes me whole already. Kids would be a bonus. In fact, I've surprisingly started to swing in the other direction, where I am enjoying life child free, able to spend money on myself and be spontaneous. We're going to give it one last big push with donor eggs in 2018, but ultimately we're doing that so we make sure we have no regrets.<br />
<br /><br />
So now, when I tear up, it's when I talk about already being whole. I'll be ok if it's just us. Just us is also a great outcome.Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-19022098571347202852016-12-29T14:06:00.004-08:002016-12-29T14:18:10.392-08:00The Commonality of Infertility and Why IVF Should be Funded<br />
<div style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">According to Resolve, the United States National Infertility
Association, one in eight couples have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a
pregnancy (infertility = inability to get pregnant < 1 year).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The World Health Organization estimates
global infertility rates at one in four, based on 2004 and 2012 data
(infertility = inability to get pregnant <2 years). Within those couples,
approximately one third of infertility issues are associated with the female
partner, one third with the male partner, and one third remain ‘unexplained’.
Derek and I were originally unexplained, but more and more evidence is pointing
towards egg quality issues, with potential immunological issues on my part as
well.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Because we are open with our infertility issues, others are often open
with us as well. In my immediate family, I have one sister who is infertile due
to teenage cancer treatments (early menopause), one fertile sister with two
children, and a sister in law who has Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome and is in
the midst of fertility treatments with her husband. In addition, my mother and
father took >2 years to become pregnant with my youngest sister (secondary
infertility), and my mother in law had a still birth between my husband and
sister in law. I have a handful of current and past coworkers with IF, and multiple friends and acquaintances from past and present who have reached out to share their stories. Infertility is all around me, and I’m sure it’s all around each
of you reading this, though you likely don’t realize it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">An aspect of infertility that is gaining attention in the media
recently is funding of infertility treatments. In November 2015, the Ontario
provincial government announced that it would fund one cycle of IVF for
qualified patients (note that funding is not fulsome, some costs are still paid
by the patient). Conversely, Quebec’s publicly funded IVF program – paying for
up to three IVF’s – was cut to one, and changed to a tax credit program
(patients pay for the procedure up front and receive tax credits from the
province). IVF is not funded by the public health care system elsewhere in
Canada.</span><br />
<br /><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">In 2013, the Government of Alberta commissioned a study through the
University of Alberta’s School of Public Health to better understand the true
costs of IVF. Currently, IVF is unregulated and unfunded in Alberta. Patients
pay for IVF, and as a result, are driven to transfer multiple embryos – more bang
for your tens of thousands of bucks. Multiple embryo transfers result in high
rates of multiple pregnancies – the costs of which are borne by the public
health care system. High risk prenatal care, preterm births and associated NICU
hospital stays for the babies, and longer term health care associated with
premie baby births result in <strong>$82 million dollars of societal costs over 18
years</strong>. Implementing a funded, but restricted, policy for IVF with single embryo
transfers would save these costs, in addition to protecting the health and
safety of mothers and children.</span><br />
<br /><br />
<span style="font-family: "calibri";">Infertility is common – more common than you think – and equitable
access to infertility treatment not only reduces the long term burden on our
health care system, but also provides more hope to your sister, brother, cousins,
friends and coworkers in becoming parents themselves. Talk about it more to understand the issue better, and help us get the message out in support of funding for infertility treatments. It not only benefits us IFer's, but also you as the taxpayer.</span></div>
Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-53838906707680937272016-09-28T17:33:00.003-07:002016-09-28T17:33:53.915-07:00And Then There Were NoneOver the last week, I've gone through multiple scenarios regarding our two little embryos in my head, going through the what if's. What if one is genetically normal? We would be scared we only had one, but hopeful that it was the golden embryo leading to the last, greatest chapter in our story. What if we had two? Even better, with our plan to do a single embryo transfer we get two chances at success, a little bit of insurance.<br />
<br />
But the scenario I avoided thinking about was what if we had none. It was hard to think about, hard to talk about. We avoided verbalizing it for fear of negative thinking, of course this was going to work! We are doing everything right this time!<br />
<br />
But, unfortunately, the scenario we couldn't stand to think about during the wait is what ultimately happened. Both embryos are genetically abnormal. Abnormal to the point that a live birth, if it got that far, would result in severe mental retardation and physical deformities.<br />
<br />
I suppose the silver lining is that we might have some sort of answer after all these years. We produce really crappy embryos. We suspect it's my eggs, and Dr. Hudson confirmed that during our call. We briefly discussed the option of doing multiple IVF's in the hope that we might end up with a normal embryo, but that is so far outside of what I am willing to put myself and us through I immediately rejected it.<br />
<br />
Onward, I suppose, to whatever the next step will be and we know we have some options. I have to come to terms with the fact that I will never pass on my genetic material - I think I'm ok with that, but it's still really shitty. Regardless, we'll be taking some time to think and refocus, and explore this new world we've found ourselves in. Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-6246007586878033232016-09-20T12:22:00.001-07:002016-09-20T12:23:15.435-07:00And Then There Were TwoAfter a couple of days of agony, we got the call from the lab this morning that we have two blastocysts, graded at a 17+ and an 18 (of 20), on ice. They were able to biopsy both and we should have the results in a week or so. <br />
<br />
<br />
It will be interesting to see the entire lab report on all embryos to understand the day-by-day. Yesterday, on day five, I answered a call from the clinic and it was Dr. Hudson himself. I instantly felt a knot in my stomach certain that the news would be bad and all embryos had arrested. But we still had four, although the news wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear. As of yesterday, we had one hatching blast graded 17+ that was suitable for biopsy and vitrification (freezing), but only one other early blast graded at a 16, and two morulas. A morula is typically what is seen on day four, so they were a day behind. Not necessarily bad news, but not great either. The plan was to see what made it to blast and freeze with no biopsy - the concern was that they were of such low quality that attempting a biopsy would damage them to the point that they'd arrest.<br />
<br />
<br />
Ending up with <u>two</u>, and having them graded higher than I expected, is great news!<br />
<br />
<br />
The PGS results will tell the final story however. At my age, according to the research, we have about a 50/50 chance of a genetically normal embryo. Since we have two, we're looking at around a 66% chance of at least one genetically normal embryo. I am so thankful we made it this far - hopefully we have something to work with and we can move to the next stressful step in the process!Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-69568806254626567402016-09-18T08:28:00.000-07:002016-09-18T08:28:00.160-07:00IVF #2 - Day Three Embryo Report and MoreThe day following the retrieval we decided to make our way back to Calgary early to give use some time to visit friends and family along the way. Long days of travel followed by evenings of visiting meant I had little time to provide an update. We arrived home last night and Derek's at work today, so I can sit down and write it all out.<br />
<br />
After the retrieval, we ended up with seven mature eggs and three immature. We elected to use ICSI on all the mature eggs (we were originally going to do 50/50), and natural IVF on the immature ones to see what happens. The day after retrieval (day one), six of the seven mature eggs fertilized with ICSI had fertilized, and two of the three immature eggs matured overnight and fertilized with natural IVF. On day one we had eight! This was great news and a very good result.<br />
<br />
Day two is the first day they can assign grades. VFC grades on a scale of 20, but really it's a scale of 15 - 20. A grade of 20 is perfect and very rare, where a 15 is very poor quality and generally is not transferred. On day two we had two grade 18's, three grade 17's, one 16 and one 15 - seven embryos still going, some better than others. The other piece however is that they were all 'fast cleaving' as most of them were six to seven cells. On day two they look for four cells; you'd think more is better, but growing too fast can lead to them using all their energy too early and petering out later on. It can also indicate chromosomal abnormalities. That said, some recent research has shown that fast cleaving embryos produce more robust blastocysts (day five embryos) if they make it to that stage.<br />
<br />
By day three they look for six to nine cell embryos. Our day three embryos were a six cell grade 18, two grade 16+ embryos at five and eight cells, and a nine cell grade 15. We also had two grade 17's with six and seven cells, however they had not done much for about 24 hours so they may have arrested. The lab was going to let them keep going to see what happens.<br />
<br />
Today, day four, is a critical day for embryo development and they don't disturb them. They "got a bath" yesterday (words of the lab director!) and went in the incubator, where they will stay until tomorrow. Our hope is that we have two or three blasts tomorrow to do PGD on. The more blasts we have the more likely we have at least one genetically normal embryo.<br />
<br />
<br />
Keep those little embryos in your thoughts and will them to make it to day five! <br />
<br />
<br />Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-21956342256840529922016-09-14T17:24:00.000-07:002016-09-14T17:25:04.541-07:00IVF #2 - Retrieval DayThis'll be a fairly short update as there isn't a bunch to go over, and I'm still a bit loopy from the drugs and napping all day.<br />
<br />
<br />
We arrived at the clinic at 7:30 this morning and were immediately shown to a room where we both changed in to more appropriate clothing - Derek in scrubs, me in a cotton nightgown. I climbed in to the bed and put the warm heating pad over my belly. Our nurse came in to go over a few things and provided me with Tylenol and Celebrex to keep my pain down all day, gravol for nausea, and Ativan to make sure I was relaxed going in. We waited for about 45 minutes for it all to take effect and during that time had a few visits from Dr. Hudson and the embryologist to go over the game plan. By 8:20, after emptying my bladder, we were lead to the retrieval room.<br />
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The nurse gave me a tiny bit of freezing in my wrist prior to inserting the IV. As the embryologist and Dr. H were getting prepped, she started loading me up with fentanyl and propofol. At this point things get really hazy and I don't remember much. I know Derek was in the room with us, and I did feel some minor pain. Dr. H had the nurse top me up with pain medication twice during the 10 minute procedure. Once done, I was carefully walked back to my recovery room for a nap. This is the point where Derek went and did his part, which I have no recollection of at all because I was still pretty drugged up.<br />
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We stayed in the recovery room for about an hour (according to Derek) where I napped on and off. I was finally able to wake up enough to get dressed and be escorted to the car. We stopped for a quick breakfast (no food prior to the procedure) and came back to the rental so I could nap some more - I was incredibly tired and still am 10 hours later! I crawled on to the couch and slept for about 2.5 or 3 hours, and laid around the rest of the afternoon.<br />
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In the end, <strong>we have ten eggs, seven of them mature</strong>. The embryologist is going to allow the three immature eggs develop overnight to see what happens. The seven mature eggs will have been ICSI'ed earlier this afternoon while the other three, if they mature, will be fertilized using natural IVF. We should get an update call from the embryologist some time tomorrow morning with how many survived the night. <br />
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The next five days are going to be very difficult - during our last IVF we started with 14 mature and ended with two that were transferred on day 3, two that made it to day five. My hope is that we have two or three for PGS testing, and at least one is normal. The wait continues....Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-30375049075707033792016-09-13T18:11:00.004-07:002016-09-14T17:24:44.891-07:00Dum Spiro Spero V2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<em>Dum Spiro Spero</em></div>
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I've been wearing this bracelet since I left Calgary and tend to fiddle with it during my appointments at the fertility clinic. I'll be wearing it tomorrow during the retrieval as well. It was a gift from a group of amazing ladies during our FET last year. I just wanted to acknowledge them for their ongoing support.</div>
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Today was a total down day. No injections, no early appointments, just a late sleep followed by a pedicure (so my feet look nice in the stirrups), lunch, and wandering around the city. I'm trying not to get my hopes up for tomorrow (and the days to follow while we wait to see what makes it to day five), but I can't help but want to compare to last time: 17 eggs, 14 mature. </div>
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<strong>So, let's have some fun and start guessing - how many eggs, how many mature do you think based on the following:</strong></div>
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<strong>IVF #1: Long Lupron </strong>(Gonal-F and Luveris, started 150 IU and 75 IU respectively, increased to 375 IU Gonal-F by day 7)</div>
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Baseline E2: 72 pmol/L</div>
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Injection day 7: E2 501; seven follies right, four left</div>
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Injection day 10: E2 3879; eight follies right (lead at 16 mm), five left</div>
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Injection day 12: E2 6665; eleven follies right (lead at 19 mm), five left</div>
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Trigger day 13</div>
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ER day 15: 17 eggs, 14 mature</div>
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<strong>IVF #2: Femera/Antagonist </strong>(Gonal-F and Luveris, 450 IU and 150 IU steady)</div>
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Baseline E2: 24 pmol/L</div>
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Injection day 8: E2 890; eight follies right, five left</div>
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Injection day 10: E2 2024; seven+ follies right, three+ left (plus a few stragglers)</div>
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Injection day 11: E2 5388; seven+ strong follies right (lead at 21 mm), five+ left</div>
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Trigger day 11</div>
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<br />Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-91616482224607725262016-09-12T17:12:00.002-07:002016-09-12T17:12:27.135-07:00IVF #2 - Trigger DayAfter eleven days of stims, tonight is my last injection - the HCG trigger shot. The purpose of this injection is to essentially force me to ovulate and allow the eggs to be collected from the follicles. The trigger is very time specific and taken 35 hours prior to retrieval - I take it tonight at 9:30 pm.<br />
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At the ultrasound this morning we counted eight follicles over 17 mm with the lead at 21. There are also a couple of stragglers in the 14 - 16 mm range that will catch up by retrieval Wednesday morning. My estrogen continues to rise quickly (similar to last time) and was 5388 pmol/L (~1500 pg/mL) this morning. All good news!<br />
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In other good news, we received an email from Genesis Genetics this morning (this is where we are having our genetic testing done) and the cost is about half what we expected at $2,600 CAD. This covers up to eight embryos over a nine month timeframe. So, if something happens (i.e. we send our embryos and none are genetically normal), and we decide to try another IVF, we are covered in this respect cost-wise if we do another cycle right away. It's good to have that peace of mind.<br />
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Next stop, egg retrieval! I show up at the clinic Wednesday morning at 7:30 am with everything but my legs crossed.<br />
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<br />Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-40265923423889222242016-09-11T16:31:00.001-07:002016-09-11T16:31:33.516-07:00IVF # 2 - Day Ten & we're almost thereThis is an update from yesterday's ultrasound and blood work - for some reason the patient portal is not working for me so I had to get an update verbally during my appointment this morning.<br />
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Yesterday we had seven strong leaders on the right ovary, and three on the left, with the lead follicle at 17 mm. Estradiol was 2024 pmol/L (around 550 pg/mL in US units). For comparison, on day nine of IVF #1, we were at eight on the right, five on the left, with the lead follicle at 16 mm. My estradiol was at 3879 pmol/L. <br />
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I am on a Femara/Antagonist protocol, which suppresses estrogen in the early part of the stim cycle, so I'm not really surprised that my levels are slightly lower. The use of Femara (aka 'letrozole'), which is an aromatase inhibitor, acts to block the conversion of androgens to estrogens in the body. This results in less free estrogen in the blood stream. The benefit of Femara as part of the Antagonist protocol, and the subsequent reduction of estrogen, is that it makes my follicles more receptive to FSH, which is part of what makes the eggs grow. You can read a bit more <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3778612/" target="_blank">here</a>.<br />
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We went in for another ultrasound and blood work this morning with instructions to return again tomorrow. I will likely be stimming for one more night (tonight) and then trigger tomorrow night, for egg retrieval on Wednesday.<br />
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I think side effects are kicking in to high gear because I feel slightly nauseous all day, with a pretty serious aversion to coffee and espresso drinks of all things. Anyone who knows me knows this is serious! Luckily, it isn't so bad that I can't be out and about enjoying the beautiful weather all day, and we've had a lovely time touring Victoria with Derek's mom and aunt for the last four days. <br />
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Almost go time!Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-34267103649794336502016-09-09T18:17:00.000-07:002016-09-09T18:18:03.845-07:00IVF #2 - Day Eight of Stims / First UltrasoundThis post is a day late because I spent most of the day yesterday in bed with food poisoning (thanks Salmon Wellington). Luckily, before it hit me too hard, we were able to make it to the clinic by 7:30 am for blood work and my first ultrasound. It looks like we're on track and things look similar to IVF number one, which resulted in 14 mature eggs. Here's my follicle report:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9dxPHpuLnyplLJcL-dPZzNPxBYtCb4WcNGqqxPx11CdijwfHmQ4-TcPmAzIPp6Mnd8DFcF76AO0SI_C-YAl2Pwq-Yxn5EMYOOowJ4zSz6wQ7dbWKRX2kRGahOKHf4d_ccsiJOT7ETcMky/s1600/Capture.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9dxPHpuLnyplLJcL-dPZzNPxBYtCb4WcNGqqxPx11CdijwfHmQ4-TcPmAzIPp6Mnd8DFcF76AO0SI_C-YAl2Pwq-Yxn5EMYOOowJ4zSz6wQ7dbWKRX2kRGahOKHf4d_ccsiJOT7ETcMky/s400/Capture.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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We are looking for follicles close to 17 mm for trigger. The more that are close to that number at trigger, the better. In some cases, they'll let me go an extra day or so, resulting in follicles upwards of 20 mm, to allow slightly smaller ones to catch up.<br />
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During our first IVF my right ovary looked much better than my left as well, however during retrieval they found a handful of hidden ones (my left ovary itself likes to hide). I'm hoping for the same result this time as well. Estradiol yesterday was 890 pmol/L, which is right where I need to be.<br />
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Next ultrasound and blood work is tomorrow morning. Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-84509090458634100382016-09-04T19:59:00.001-07:002016-09-04T19:59:51.007-07:00IVF #2 - Day Four of StimsI had forgotten how much nerve it takes to stab yourself in the abdomen with a needle. I started stims four days ago, and as I stood over the sink with my first of three daily injections, I almost started crying when I realized that I ACTUALLY had to put this needle in my stomach. Tears in my eyes, I looked at Derek sitting on the edge of the bathtub watching me, planted my feet, and jabbed it in. And it stung going in, but wasn't so horrible that it stopped me from preparing and taking shots two and three.<br />
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Now I've got my routine and I'm done in 20 minutes flat. 150 IU of Luveris (two 75 IU vials with multiple prep steps) and 450 IU Gonal-F. I'm also taking 7.5 mg Femera mid-morning (pills), and steroids in the evening (also pills). In a couple of days, I add a new injection mid-morning to prevent me from ovulating too early. I've added all of these reminders to my phone and check often to make sure I'm not missing anything. Good thing I'm organized by nature and enjoy routine!<br />
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When I was contemplating what I would write in this blog post as an update earlier today, I was reflecting on the fact that I've had very few symptoms so far. My abdomen is tender for sure, and I haven't been sleeping well (this is normal for me, so not sure if it's a symptom or not), but otherwise it's still early, so no major bloating. Then, this afternoon, I started getting irritable. And then, about an hour ago, I had a cry. For no reason. Yup, side effects are starting. Now the fun really starts!Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-56132824396028340522016-08-27T17:10:00.002-07:002016-08-27T17:11:16.024-07:00This picture is worth $9,004.38<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I picked up the last of my medication for our IVF this evening and had a sudden, shocking realization about how much this is going to cost us. It's one of those things people wonder, but never ask - how much does it cost? It depends on how much and what type of medication you need, how long you stim for, what your insurance covers, what types of intervention you need (i.e. genetic testing), and what your clinic fees are. In our case, my insurance covers zero IVF medications, but will cover things like antibiotics, steroids and even the letrozole (Femera). But the most costly medications, which in my case is Gonal-F, Luveris, and Cetrotide, are not covered. Luckily, we can coordinate benefits and hopefully upwards of 80% of the medications are covered by Derek's benefits and we will be reimbursed in a month or so.<br />
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In addition to this, the fee for our IVF with the Victoria Fertility Clinic is $9,500. This includes the egg retrieval and associated twilight medication/IVs, sperm collection, embryo culture, biopsy (for PGS - genetic testing of the embryos), vitrification of the embryos (freezing), our first year of cryostorage, and our first frozen embryo transfer. This does not include the PGS itself, which will be an additional $2,000 to $3,500 and is performed by a lab in the U.S. All ultrasounds and lab work is covered under our provincial health care, so no out of pocket costs. We also have travel costs to Victoria, as well as accommodations and food.<br />
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<b>Known costs for this IVF: $20,500 - $22,000 </b>(not including travel and accommodations).<br />
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Pro Tip: All medical costs not covered under provincial health care or insurance in excess of around 3% of your total income can be claimed on your income taxes. In general, you should receive around 25 - 30% of your claimed expenses back. <br />
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It's a very, very expensive process, and we are lucky we can afford it as many can not. Regardless of the ability to pay, it's still a punch in the gut when you add it all up. Hopefully, in the end, it's all worth it.<br />
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<br />Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-24288050190563380002016-08-10T19:11:00.002-07:002016-08-10T19:11:47.809-07:00Here we go againLast Thursday we had our scheduled consult with Dr. Hudson with the Victoria Fertility Clinic. Originally, our plan was to cycle in October or November, in part so we could enjoy the summer, and I also had a few cycling goals, which I met (yay, upgrade!). During the call with Dr. H, he asked where I was in my cycle. I was expecting my period over the weekend and said as much, and also mentioned that my cycles were becoming irregular after two decades of almost textbook cycles. Based on that, as well as some of my blood work results, he thinks I might be treading in to diminished ovarian reserve and poor egg quality territory. Then he said 'You know, based on your medical history and what's going on with your cycles, you could and probably <i>should</i> start right away.' A little bit terrifying, but we're ready, so here we go.<br />
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Today is cycle day four, and I'm downregulating until the end of August. On September 1st, I start injections. I will be starting with a high dose of Gonal-F and Luveris, which I used for our first IVF. The difference this time is that I'm starting at a high dose, whereas during the first IVF we started low and ramped it up quickly due to poor response. I ended up stimming for longer than normal, which may have overcooked my eggs and resulted in poorer egg quality. This time we're starting with the big guns.<br />
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Interestingly, I will be taking Femera at the same time. Femera is also used for hyperovulation, but usually on it's own, and usually for timed intercourse or IUI. From the limited research I've read so far, this should do what I'm referring to as 'slow cooking' my eggs in a way that slightly counteracts the high dose of Gonal-F. This will hopefully result in many high quality, mature eggs.<br />
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Starting on September 6th I add Centrotide to stop my body from ovulating and keep things cooking. We head to Victoria to finish things off on September 7th with estimated egg retrieval somewhere between September 12th and 15th. Using a combination of natural fertilization and ICSI (where they take a single sperm and inject it in to the egg - see image below), they will culture the embryos until day five. Each embryo will be biopsied before being frozen and the biopsy cells will go to the U.S. for Pre-Genetic Screening (PGS). This will be done to determine which embryos are genetically normal and ready for transfer, which will take place, if everything works out, sometime before Christmas.<br />
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Fingers crossed it all goes smoothly - here we go again!<br />
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<br />Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-27119242355679758692016-07-22T13:38:00.002-07:002016-07-22T13:59:04.849-07:00Hope and FearOur seven year wedding anniversary was earlier this week (July 18). Derek took a long time to get around to proposing, so we have been together for more then double that, 15 years. The first time I got pregnant (that I knew of) was in 2007, right around the time Derek started with the fire department. Up until that time, we had never used any type of contraceptive, and I'm honestly not sure why I didn't think my not getting pregnant wasn't a big deal - maybe my mind just wasn't there yet. The day I found out I was pregnant I was bleeding heavily with what a thought was a really long, really bad period. At some point I figured I should probably take a pregnancy test, which I did, mid-day and at work, and it was blaringly positive. I left work and went to the hospital, had the requisite blood work and ultrasound done, and found that I was in the midst of my first documented miscarriage.<br />
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It was shortly after that loss that I began to track my cycles, and we agreed that maybe we should just go ahead and start trying to conceive. At our wedding in 2009, I remember thinking to myself that it would be just perfect if I became pregnant right around the same time, but a week after our wedding I got my period. Finally, in 2010, we started TTC in earnest, including working with the fertility clinic. <br />
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Despite the time that has gone by, and the losses we've endured, I still, sometimes, hold out hope each month. But when I think of what might happen past that positive pregnancy test, it's a fuzzy, scary black hole. I think it's inherent for us IF survivors, whether we do finally carry to term or not, to be fearful. The joy has been taken away and it makes me sad. I will never get to 'surprise' Derek with a positive test in a cute little gift box, blissfully unaware of what could happen a few weeks down the road. I will never go for just one pee-on-a-stick pregnancy confirmation test at the doctor's office, nor get a single blood test to confirm. I will never go for that first ultrasound full of joy, I will only be full of worry that there will be no heartbeat, that there is nothing there. The first 25+ weeks will be full of fear that I will lose the baby before viability, and then the months leading up to the birth will be full of the same fears plus the fear of birth complications. It won't stop there - I will be a helicopter mom, so worried that our precious prize from our hard fought battle will be hurt, injured, might die in childhood.<br />
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As we approach our last IVF, with my renewed hope that this new protocol might be what we need to stay pregnant, I think of these sorts of things and wonder if we can handle it. It's hard to rationalize these conflicting feelings - hope and fear - and I can only hope that the feelings of joy and love can overcome it all.<br />
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<br />Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-65736324955560757212016-05-22T16:17:00.000-07:002016-05-22T16:17:14.775-07:00Reflecting and RegretsThere will always be those songs that trigger strong feelings. For me, when it comes to our journey, it's Lindsey Stirling's Crystallize:<br />
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This is because we used this song as part of a video we made a number of years ago when we entered a contest to win an IVF in the US. We didn't win, but the emotional process of making the video and the loving and overwhelming response we had from family and friends will stick with me forever. I have this song on my playlist, and every time it plays (like right now as I'm writing this post) I retreat in to a reflective mood, thinking about where we've been and where we're going.<br />
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So where are we going? Well, we've decided to give it one more shot. A couple of months ago I started reflecting (yeah, I do this a lot) on how I really felt about pursuing a gestational surrogate. Derek and I have this philosophy that we try to live with as few regrets as possible, so when making decisions, especially big life decisions, we think about the potential for regret. And I came to the conclusion that I would regret not giving it one more try on our own, especially considering the protocol I'd be following. <br />
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I had a call with Dr. Hudson yesterday and we're getting everything in place for a fall cycle. We're targeting an October retrieval, with PGD (genetic testing) on the embryos, then transfer in December or January.<br />
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So here we go, one last try, no regrets.Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-28701549985793213252016-04-14T18:52:00.001-07:002016-04-14T18:52:11.280-07:00Infertility can make or break your relationshipI originally posted this in a Reddit infertility subforum and had a good response, so wanted to share with some tweaks for this audience.<br />
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We have been TTC since early 2007, which means we are just about to start year nine. That is a very long time, almost a quarter of my life by the numbers. Over the years, and especially recently, I reflect on our journey and where it's taken us. This is one part of it that I wanted to share.<br />
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This journey has been
HARD on our marriage. We have had screaming, throwing things, slamming
doors fights about infertility and what our next steps should be. Over
the past eight+ years, we have very rarely been on the exact same page
about the path forward. Early on when I was pushing for multiple IVF
cycles in a row because I was panicking about getting older and was desperate to have a baby, he wanted me to take time to
let my body recover. It drove me crazy and I was very angry at him.<br />
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About a year ago I finally passed that point where I truly am ok with
being child free and it's time to move on (and have posted as much in this blog), but he is adamant that he wants to give it one more go
for a biological child with a gestational surrogate - still not on the
exact same page.<br />
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But through all this struggle, we have remembered (sometimes with the help of the therapist we have been with for as long as we've been on this journey) that it starts with
the two of us, and celebrating the highs, working together through the
lows, and learning how to compromise, has made us immeasurably strong
together. Ultimately, I am happy with my husband, I feel lucky to have
him in my life, and if it ends up being just the two of us, that's all I
need.<br />
<br />
Over the years I have observed many IF couples go through marriage break downs and divorces.
It happens in staggering numbers. While in some cases there could have been
systemic issues in the marriage that would have resulted in the same outcome regardless, I've often wondered if it was in part because
they were so focused on the goal of having a child that they forgot to focus on each other. <br />
<br />
For all those who are still in the midst of this, remember to take care of each other through this journey - you're in this together.<br />
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Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-56021570597798465762016-03-19T08:08:00.001-07:002016-03-19T08:08:36.144-07:00Gestational SurrogacyIn one of my last posts, we had outlined an ambiguous long term plan involving multiple IVF's, genetic screening of the embryos, FET's and immune system suppression protocols in the hopes that I would be successful in carrying a baby to term. After some very long and heart wrenching discussions, we landed on pursuing the use of a gestational surrogate - a surrogate would (hopefully) eliminate the unknown that is my body, and the genetic screening and use of 'normal' embryos would at least give some sense of security in that respect. We are not totally eliminating my carrying a pregnancy myself, but it's no longer our focus.<br />
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We started our search last December and I slowly entered the new world of Canadian surrogacy via Facebook groups and websites offering matching services. What we've come to discover is that this is not going to be easy. There are limited surrogates publicly offering their services in Canada via matching services or informal online groups, and while surrogacy in our country is legally 'altruistic' (you pay for actual losses, but nothing more), fee-for-service money certainly changes hands in many cases. This brings ethics in to the equation. Is it ok to skirt the law in order to secure a surrogate who expects payment for the 'service' she is providing, and is that changing the ethical implications of surrogates in Canada? If most surrogates now expect payment, and you can afford to pay it, do you still wait until you find a legal surrogate, or do you skip the line?<br />
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For now, we are sticking to our sense of ethics and the law in Canada and continuing to search for a surrogate that meets our needs and is aligned with the ethical intent of surrogacy in Canada.<br />
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I would like to highlight here that I have had multiple offers of surrogacy in the past and declined because we were not ready to pursue it. I also know that I will have friends and family that read this that may be interested in being our gestational surrogate, so to minimize the risk of uncomfortable conversations, here is a list of non-negotiables (for now):<br />
<ul>
<li>Must be healthy - this means healthy weight, non-smoker, no heavy drinking, no drugs (including prescription medication)</li>
<li>Located in Alberta or British Columbia (preferably near Vancouver or Victoria)</li>
<li>At least one successful, uncomplicated pregnancy and birth</li>
<li>If there is a spouse/partner, they must be fully on board</li>
<li>Available for gestational surrogacy late 2016 and in to 2017</li>
</ul>
I'd also remind you to read my previous guest post on what surrogacy means for the surrogate: <a href="http://struggleswithinfertility.blogspot.ca/2014/03/guest-post-what-it-means-when-you-offer.html" target="_blank">Guest Post: What it means to offer to be a surrogate</a>Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-64107700011654261802015-12-20T11:12:00.002-08:002015-12-20T12:53:44.910-08:00Tin ManA number of years ago, one of my sisters described me as the Tin Man. For most of my life, I've seemed stoic and unemotional to most of the world, when really I'm a frantic and frightening roller coaster of emotions on the inside. I usually cried alone unless the bottled up feelings exploded out in a mess of reactive and defensive emotions, like anger, coldness and anxiety, when really I was feeling hurt, jealous or neglected, but I couldn't process these difficult feelings. Years of this led to a resistance to showing vulnerability except to a certain few people. It also led to a number of related issues like eating disorders and addiction in my 20's. I've worked hard to better understand and work through my emotions so they don't continue to get the best of me, but being vulnerable is still difficult to overcome.<br />
<br />
Experiencing infertility leaves you completely, unabashedly vulnerable. The easiest for me is the physical vulnerability - being at the mercy of doctors and nurses, often naked, usually with your most private areas being probed. It's the emotional vulnerability that hurts the most. We are very open about our infertility, and love it when people ask us questions to better understand. Sharing a sense of hope and positive future plans with others, and feeling the positive energy that generates from my friends and family, brings me a sense of joy and happiness. However the necessary sharing of bad news (and crying openly when doing so), and especially when asking for help, leaves me raw and exposed. My stomach churns, my heart is in my throat, and I struggle to make eye contact. I try to embrace it, to learn from it, because I know being vulnerable will make me a better person. But I struggle, which is what prompted this somewhat reflective blog post (which is interesting on further reflection, because I tend to write what I'm feeling rather than say it because I feel a sense of protection still).<br />
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We all struggle with this at some level, some more than others. My only point to this post is that whether your struggle with vulnerability is related to infertility or something completely different, it's ok. Be vulnerable. It makes you a better person on the other side.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span">I'll leave you with a Ted Talk on this subject that resonated with me - </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-weight: 300; line-height: 33px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Brené</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"> Brown on The Power of Vulnerability:</span><br />
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<br />Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1489877371345392846.post-9328680004192188982015-09-29T06:49:00.000-07:002015-09-29T06:49:55.615-07:00A somewhat ambiguous long term plan<br />
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I’ve long equated infertility with the grieving process. You go through multiple phases of shock and disbelief, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. Personally, I see myself progress through these phases at some level with each loss, each failed cycle, and at a higher level, with the issue of infertility itself. Over the years I’ve observed (always in hindsight) that my grief cycles have become shorter; I am not spending as much time grieving. I think that is because I have finally come to accept that we may not have children, and I am at last feeling ok with that.<br /><br />But that’s not the end of the story. Years ago, when we first began this crappy journey, I reluctantly agreed to Derek’s timeline of ‘kids by 35’, or we move on. It took me years of painful reflection to agree to this, but I got there. I turned 35 this month, Derek is 35 next spring. Guess who had a change of heart? Derek isn’t done.<br /><br />So we have decided to continue the pursuit of a child with a vague timeline. Knowing that I am now entering the age of rapidly declining fertility, we’ve decided to hit it with everything we’ve got in the hopes that we can bank a few good quality embryos for when we’re ready to try again. We had a consultation with Dr. Hudson at the Victoria Fertility Clinic last week and we are so relieved that he is on the same page as us. After a thorough review of our infertility history, he outlined his assumptions: inhospitable uterus likely due to immunological issues, and possible genetic issues with our embryos. We fully agree and are on board with the double pronged approach he’s suggesting.<br /><br />Our first step is full blood panels for both of us, including karyotyping, to identify any easily discernible genetic conflicts between the two of us. Our second approach is <a href="http://genesisgenetics.org/pgs/">Pre-implantation Genetic Screening</a> (PGS). In part because we aren’t in a rush, we will be banking embryos through multiple IVF’s (three in a row) and performing PGS on the lot of them once we have them banked. After each egg retrieval, they will be fertilized, cultured to day three, and frozen. Once we’ve got a few in the freezer, we will thaw all of them, culture to day five, perform the embryo biopsy, and re-freeze while we wait for the results (the biopsy is sent to the U.S.). We will then (hopefully) have a good set of genetically normal embryos in the freezer.<br /><br />If and when we are ready for a FET, I’ll be treated as an immune patient with a combination of heparin (a blood thinner), corticosteroids (to calm my immune system down), and <a href="http://haveababy.com/fertility-information/ivf-authority/ivig-intralipid-therapy-in-ivf-natural-killer-cell-activity-for-diagnosis-and-treatment">intralipid therapy</a> (down-regulates natural killer cells that attack a developing fetus). The hope is that the combination of a genetically normal embryo, plus aggressive immune system treatment, will allow me to carry a pregnancy to term.<br /><br />We will be going in for our lab work in the coming weeks and have a follow up with Dr. Hudson at the end of November. Once we have an understanding of what we might be facing genetically, we will schedule our first IVF early in the New Year, with the hopes of finishing up all three cycles by next summer for PGS on the embryos. And then we decide on next steps…maybe. Stay <span style="font-family: Calibri;">tuned.</span></div>
Emilyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03414865504179720244noreply@blogger.com0