I am struggling at a crossroads. Right around this time seven years ago, we started actively trying to get pregnant. Seven years. Sometimes when I think of how much time that actually is, I get a sick feeling in my stomach. Even more upsetting, we have never used any form of birth control. Derek and I have been together for 13 years and have never had a successful pregnancy. It's really staggering, actually, and the hope that I still hold on to month to month seems wasted when I think of our entire journey.
Getting my period, even after a month of trying, is easier. I remember a time when I could not think of never having a child without breaking in to tears and changing the subject. The deep yearning to be a mother is still there, but it's easier to bear. Time does heal, it does get better, but it will never be gone.
I (we) waver back on forth on what our path forward is on a weekly, even daily basis. Some days I feel like I will never give up, we will keep going until we have a biological child or we can not try any longer. Some days I think we should stop after the FET and pursue adoption. Some days I just want to give up, have our embryos donated or destroyed, and try to move on. I have fears that my time is coming too soon - my cycles are changing and are not as regular as they used to be. This scares me, but could also be a relief, maybe. Some days I think about overpopulation, and how the world is changing, and wonder why I would bring a child in to this? Then I realize I'm perhaps overthinking, being irrational and dramatic. Perhaps there's a bit of rationalization there.
I suppose this is a bit of a vent in the face of another roadblock. I went in for a PAP about a month ago. Two weeks later, I get a letter from Alberta Cervical Cancer Screening Program. My results are abnormal, though not severely so. Abnormal enough that I have to go for a colposcopy. Abnormal enough that we can't do our FET until this is all sorted out. The referral is sent and I should have my appointment date in the next couple of weeks, with a high probability that the appointment will be in June or July, maybe August. The results will go one of two ways - either they advise me to 'keep an eye on it' and continue PAP's every six months, but we can go ahead with the FET. Or they will send me for a LEEP or cone biopsy (I had a LEEP about four years ago - same situation). If I need a LEEP or cone biopsy, I need an all clear before moving forward. So, we'd be looking at about a year or so of more waiting.
There is no use getting upset at this point. I suppose I'm getting used to this, even philosophical. I have to remind myself that this isn't the Universe telling us something (there really isn't such a thing), that maybe the best things come to those who wait. But it's that ongoing struggle, the one I think about every day, every night as I'm falling asleep, every moment I'm alone. It's that struggle that makes me want to stop; it's the hope that keeps me going.
