Pre-IVF Appointment

This afternoon was our first post-failed IUI / pre-IVF appointment. Here's the low down:

The doctor thinks I may have egg quality issues. Before I even said anything, she recommended going to IVF because of this. She thinks we have a good chance of harvesting 10 to 12 eggs for retrieval however, and we have a 50% to 65% chance of conceiving with our first IVF.

I discussed donating a portion of my eggs to my sister, Lara, within the same cycle. I worried that they might be reluctant to allow this because I don't have any of my own children yet, but she said she can see no issues with going ahead with a shared cycle. She is discussing the plan with the Donor Egg Program doctor and I will get a call within the next two weeks with the go-ahead. Of course, there is a huge emotional umbrella over this possibility that we will all need to work through, but we have a few months to figure out our bottom lines.

So, over the summer there are a number of things we need to do. First and foremost, Derek and I, as well as my sister Lara and her husband Roland, will have to attend an evening / morning program about the Donor Program and IVF in general. Following that, we need to decide how many eggs I'll be donating and get a legal contract written up and signed by all for the procedure.

I need to have a sonohysterogram within the next couple of months (not looking forward to this) as well as Cycle Day 3 blood tests (Estradol, FSH, LH). Derek and I both have to get a bunch of blood tests done for a variety of illnesses (HIV, Hepatitis, etc.) at some point as well, as will Lara and Roland.

At this point, this is all I know. I'll have more specifics once I hear back from the Donor Egg Program nurse.

We're aiming for a September / October IVF. I do not need to take birth control to prepare because my cycles are very regular. Looks like they will be doing a standard three day transfer as long as everything works out (fingers crossed!).

If all goes well, both Lara and I will be pregnant by Christmas.

Due Dates

Yesterday was our due date for the baby we conceived last July and lost. It's amazing how fast the time goes, and it's hard for me to believe that I could be holding a baby in my arms right now if fate hadn't dealt me a bad hand.

We could also have an almost four year old right now. I found out I was pregnant right around the time Derek was graduating for his training with the Fire Department in May 2007.

I wonder what we would have had? What would we have named him or her? Would they be healthy?

As yesterday becomes distant past, it will get easier, but for now, happy birthday unknown baby.

Good news comes in different forms

The other day I realized that I didn't know what cycle day I was on. I have known my cycle day for 39 cycles, so this is a big step for me. I think part of the reason I didn't know is because I've had a major life change occur over the past few days.

I have been unhappy in my current job for a long while now. I had been told on a few occasions that in order to get promotions I would need to improve my education, so I started making inquiries to various universities. I spoke with an advisor at one particular university on the West Coast and was told I would likely be accepted in to their Masters program, so I decided to go for it. When I told my boss about this, he seemed happy for me and advised me to talk to Human Resources about funding and the requisite three weeks per year residency requirement (in Victoria).

HR eventually said no to the funding, which I sort of expected, but was disappointed about. My boss told me he would at least support me with the three weeks a year residency requirements, so I went ahead and submitted my application fee and started pulling together the documents I needed. A month later, he told me he couldn't even support the three weeks off, because they 'couldn't let me be away from the office for three weeks at a time'. I was angry because of the money and time I had already spent with his promise of support, and started aggressively searching for a new job.

I got the job offer last Thursday morning. My salary will be increasing by about 30%, I will get four weeks vacation, every second Friday off, and they are going to pay for and support my education. There was no way I could refuse, so I gave my notice last Friday. Of course, my boss isn't happy, but that's not what matters. I'm happy, and this gives me something to look forward to after months of disappointments and unhappiness. I feel a renewed sense of excitement and I have something big to look forward to at last.

This won't change our plans for IVF in the fall, it only means we'll be able to save up more money, faster. We've discussed my going back to school while being pregnant and on maternity leave and have decided that it's something we can handle.

Now knowing karma, we'll probably get pregnant this summer. Isn't that how it always works?

Cycle Day 1

The book is slowly closing on this chapter in our journey. I got my period this morning. I knew it was coming, but I still had a shred of hope. When I woke up early this morning, I was cramping, but didn't actually have my period yet. I spent the first 30 minutes of my morning searching Fertility Friend for charts that showed women who had negative tests on 13 days past ovulation, and positive tests on 14 DPO. There were many, and I used that to build up my hope just a little bit. I got up and waited.

I didn't have to wait long. I'm in full blown unused uterine lining shed mode now. My boobs are less sore, I'm cramping and I'm craving sugar and carbs.

Tonight I was going to pack everything up, but I just can't face it yet. I'll get it done, I just need a few days. I have multiple used negative pregnancy tests in various drawers of the house (yes, I save most of them - yes, it's weird), including my 19DPO test from my pregnancy last July. I don't know if I can throw that one away - is it a cruel reminder of what I lost, or a reminder of the hope I'm holding on to, the proof that I can get pregnant?

I still don't know how I'm going to stop trying, really. How do I stop tracking what day I am in my cycle? How do I not think 'I know I'm really fertile right now'? I even looked at the calendar this morning to see if Derek's visit to Ontario to see family late this month would interfere with our chances this cycle - it does. I was disappointed.

So what's next? We have an appointment on April 20th at the fertility clinic to discuss next steps to look forward to. Other then that, I'm trying not to think too far ahead. I'm focusing on other things that are important to me - running, cycling, our upcoming trips, losing a few pounds, looking at other employment opportunities, possibly going back to university for my Masters. Maybe I can focus my newfound free time on the things I love, and eventually, somehow, I'll stop thinking about it all the time.

The Bitter Infertile

You know how when something really bad is happening in your life, you say you 'wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy'? Well, when I become a 'Bitter Infertile', I do wish it on other people. I hate myself for it later on, but in the moment, I want other people, people who have had it lucky, to share in my pain and sadness. I have to restrain myself from making snide comments, and reassure myself that next week I'll feel much happier about life in general, but during the few days before my period shows up, when I'm dealing with PMS bitchiness combined with the fact that I'm sure I'm not pregnant, yet again, I wallow in my sorrow.

The bitchiness came out last night. My sister, who is early in her second trimester and who became pregnant the month after coming off birth control, complained on Facebook last night that she felt like garbage and pregnancy wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I commented that she should be thankful and that I would give anything to feel like garbage. I immediately regretted the comment, but left it, because the 'Bitter Infertile' in me wants to spread out the anger and sadness I feel so that maybe I won't have to deal with it all by myself. Comments like these are unfair for me to make to those who have been blessed, and I apologize to my sister for trying to make her feel bad for being blessed (as I'm sure she's reading this).

I suppose I still don't know for sure that I'm not pregnant - I am supposed to get my period tomorrow - but everything points to it not being our month yet. Part of the reason I'm feeling so angry is because I now have to face months of not trying. Derek needs a break, and though I hate to admit it, so do I. I know next week I'll feel better about all this and the relief of not trying will come back, but I also know that in four weeks, when I get my period, I'll go through this again.

Waiting isn't half the battle, it's the ENTIRE battle.

You know how when you were a little kid at Christmas time you wanted to peek inside your gifts? Maybe you'd shake them around a bit to try and guess what's inside? You'd look for a little rip in the wrapping paper that might give you a little clue as to what it is? Sometimes you'd try and carefully peel the tape away and take a look inside because it was SOOOOOO hard to wait until Christmas Day!

That's me right now. I'm 10DPO and I really, really, really want to test. Even though I know it's probably too early, I still want to do it. I even said to myself the day of the IUI that this month I wouldn't even think about it, but nope, as soon as the second week rolls around, I start obsessing. Chances of a successful IUI go down the more you do, and my logical brain knows this, but my emotional brain keeps up that everlasting hope.

If I'm honest with myself, I realize that all the symptoms I have are ones that I have every month, so they don't mean anything. I'm getting mild cramps, which happens every month. My boobs are on FIRE, but that's totally normal too. But why is it that I convince myself that it's different this time?

I'm starting to prepare myself for moving on and taking a break for a few months. I do have things to look forward to this summer, and it will be nice to not be burdened by a thermometer, or OPKs, or doing IUIs, but I think I'll also miss it. I'll miss the hope.