Waiting isn't half the battle, it's the ENTIRE battle.

You know how when you were a little kid at Christmas time you wanted to peek inside your gifts? Maybe you'd shake them around a bit to try and guess what's inside? You'd look for a little rip in the wrapping paper that might give you a little clue as to what it is? Sometimes you'd try and carefully peel the tape away and take a look inside because it was SOOOOOO hard to wait until Christmas Day!

That's me right now. I'm 10DPO and I really, really, really want to test. Even though I know it's probably too early, I still want to do it. I even said to myself the day of the IUI that this month I wouldn't even think about it, but nope, as soon as the second week rolls around, I start obsessing. Chances of a successful IUI go down the more you do, and my logical brain knows this, but my emotional brain keeps up that everlasting hope.

If I'm honest with myself, I realize that all the symptoms I have are ones that I have every month, so they don't mean anything. I'm getting mild cramps, which happens every month. My boobs are on FIRE, but that's totally normal too. But why is it that I convince myself that it's different this time?

I'm starting to prepare myself for moving on and taking a break for a few months. I do have things to look forward to this summer, and it will be nice to not be burdened by a thermometer, or OPKs, or doing IUIs, but I think I'll also miss it. I'll miss the hope.

Our last Two Week Wait for a while

Well, the deed is done and we're officially in the two week wait. I find myself feeling somewhat disconnected from it all this time, like I almost don't care either way if it works or not. I think part of that is because we have a plan if this doesn't work. After the IUI on Saturday, I made a follow up appointment with my doctor at the end of April to go over the next steps and discuss the tests I'll need to get done over the summer to prep for IVF. I'm also pretty excited to take a break. I didn't think I'd ever be excited to NOT try to conceive, but it's surprising how stressful it is. Getting rid of that stress for a few months is going to be a huge relief!

Let me start by saying that Derek's count was 25.3 million, which is fantastic. It's sort of all over the place it seems - hopefully that's normal! Now, about my IUI. You'd think the third would be easy breezy, but no can do. It was the worst by a large margin.

**Don't read if you're squeamish!**

As usual, the nurse went over exactly what the process is, showed me the catheter, and had me get comfortable. She inserted the speculum and told me she was going to start inserting the catheter. Pain like nothing else and intense cramps started radiating from my uterus - I think I almost broke Derek's hand at one point. She kept trying to shove that thing through my cervix (I'm sure she was actually being very, very gentle, but I was on the other side of it) and it just wouldn't go. She told me that she was able to get about two thirds through my cervix but not all the way through. I was starting to get worried that we would have to cancel, but she said she'd go and get the doctor.

Ever lie in a room with your pants off, legs spread wide open, with a speculum stuck up you? Not pleasant!

The doctor came in and, with a little maneuvering, was able to get the catheter through at last. My first thought after it was all done was if I can't take that amount of pain, how the hell am I supposed to get through childbirth? I guess we'll see when it happens, which it will (right?).

Happy Monday!

If only dreams were premonitions

Last night I had a vivid dream that when I did my pregnancy test this Sunday it was positive. It was a weird looking test, but it was a digital, and in a convoluted way it told me I was pregnant. It's hours later and I'm awake and I can still feel the joy and hope I felt in my dream.

I've decide that on Sunday morning we will wake up (Derek is working), I will POAS (pee on a stick) - a Clearblue digital I've already purchased three of - and then I'll crawl back in bed. Derek can wait for the results and then come and tell me what it says.

Honestly, I don't feel hopeful today. I've been crampy for three days now, and my boobs are really sore, but this is par for the course. It sucks that PMS is so similar to pregnancy symptoms.

In an effort to 'keep living my life', I registered for a half marathon this morning, and it'll happen on May 29. I've always been a runner, but have been slacking for a few months. I need to get back to something that'll help me destress.

The two week wait after IUI #2

So here I am, 10 DPO, after IUI #2 with a negative pregnancy test this morning. I had a lot of hope for this one, and know it's still early. When we did our first IUI last month, Derek's post wash sperm count was 7 million - a good enough number, but nothing exceptional.

This time his post wash count was 67 million, a dramatic increase. I was shocked when the nurse told me!

Both cycles I've been on 100mg of Clomid, though I ovulate on my own. I suppose they're trying to give the sperm more than one target, or trying to increase the quality of my eggs. I am not triggering, just using OPKs to detect ovulation.

If this one doesn't work, we have one more IUI on the books, and then we've decided to take three months off to re-focus and give my body a break. I am still not sure how I'm going to actually take a break, and how I'll deal with it emotionally. I just feel like us being parents will never happen, and taking a break is wasting precious time if it is going to happen. I'm 30 and feel like I'm getting too old, too fast. I don't want to be an old mom, and Derek doesn't want to be an old dad. He's put our deadline at his 34th birthday, which is just over four years from now. Considering we've been at this for three years already with no success, I feel like that's just not enough time.

But, I need a mental break. I feel myself getting depressed and anxious, and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I'm almost considering not doing the next IUI, though I know I will when it comes down to it.

I wish, wish, wish this would just happen already.