Our last Two Week Wait for a while

Well, the deed is done and we're officially in the two week wait. I find myself feeling somewhat disconnected from it all this time, like I almost don't care either way if it works or not. I think part of that is because we have a plan if this doesn't work. After the IUI on Saturday, I made a follow up appointment with my doctor at the end of April to go over the next steps and discuss the tests I'll need to get done over the summer to prep for IVF. I'm also pretty excited to take a break. I didn't think I'd ever be excited to NOT try to conceive, but it's surprising how stressful it is. Getting rid of that stress for a few months is going to be a huge relief!

Let me start by saying that Derek's count was 25.3 million, which is fantastic. It's sort of all over the place it seems - hopefully that's normal! Now, about my IUI. You'd think the third would be easy breezy, but no can do. It was the worst by a large margin.

**Don't read if you're squeamish!**

As usual, the nurse went over exactly what the process is, showed me the catheter, and had me get comfortable. She inserted the speculum and told me she was going to start inserting the catheter. Pain like nothing else and intense cramps started radiating from my uterus - I think I almost broke Derek's hand at one point. She kept trying to shove that thing through my cervix (I'm sure she was actually being very, very gentle, but I was on the other side of it) and it just wouldn't go. She told me that she was able to get about two thirds through my cervix but not all the way through. I was starting to get worried that we would have to cancel, but she said she'd go and get the doctor.

Ever lie in a room with your pants off, legs spread wide open, with a speculum stuck up you? Not pleasant!

The doctor came in and, with a little maneuvering, was able to get the catheter through at last. My first thought after it was all done was if I can't take that amount of pain, how the hell am I supposed to get through childbirth? I guess we'll see when it happens, which it will (right?).

Happy Monday!

The process has begun, yet again.

The fertility clinic finally called me back today to set everything up. I am to start taking my Clomid tonight and continue for five days. I start using my OPK's to detect my LH surge on March 22nd, and plan for the IUI somewhere between March 26 and 28. Going by my very predictable cycle, it'll be on the 27th.

I asked about an ultrasound to check on how things look in there as I'm getting ready to ovulate and she said the doctor doesn't think it's necessary, so I'd have to pay out of pocket. $120. I figure it's a pretty small price to pay for my own peace of mind. They'll be doing the ultrasound on cycle day 10, which is March 22nd (same day I start my OPK's).

I'm considering lowering my dose to 50mg instead of the 100mg I've been on for the past two cycles. I was told I was put on 100mg because that's "the standard" for IUI's, but I do ovulate on my own, so I'm a bit confused. Clomid has been shown to thin the endometrium (lining) with higher doses - hence my request for an ultrasound - so I'm slightly concerned. I start taking it at about 9 pm tonight, so I have about six hours to decide.

On to Lucky Number Three!

Hope springs eternal...oddly enough, I am hopeful for this cycle already. It has to work this time, right?

I just called and left a message at the fertility clinic letting them know I'm starting a new cycle and ready for round three. This time I've requested that I have an ultrasound just prior to ovulation. You see, Clomid is notorious for thinning the lining, and a thin lining does not make a comfortable cushion for an embryo. So, I want to see what's going on in there. I'm hoping it's not too expensive to do the ultrasound, but I'm betting on at least $200.

It's so weird how these first two weeks go by so fast, and the last two weeks draaaaaag on. Before you know it, it'll be IUI day, and then the horrible wait begins. Where you analyze every twinge and pain because it could mean implantation. Where you stab at your boobs so much you can't tell if they're tender from pregnancy, PMS or from stabbing at them so much. Where you lie in bed at night with your hands over your lower abdomen talking to your uterus and the possible little embryo in there, telling it to snuggle in and hoping beyond hope that something is working right in there. Where you get the urge to do a pregnancy test - one of the cheap online ones you buy in bags of 50 - when you're only five days past ovulation, even though you know it's WAY too early. And where you try not to think or stress about it, but, like that pink elephant (quick, what are you thinking about right now?), it's all you think about.

Here's to number three, lucky cycle number 37!

The two week wait after IUI #2

So here I am, 10 DPO, after IUI #2 with a negative pregnancy test this morning. I had a lot of hope for this one, and know it's still early. When we did our first IUI last month, Derek's post wash sperm count was 7 million - a good enough number, but nothing exceptional.

This time his post wash count was 67 million, a dramatic increase. I was shocked when the nurse told me!

Both cycles I've been on 100mg of Clomid, though I ovulate on my own. I suppose they're trying to give the sperm more than one target, or trying to increase the quality of my eggs. I am not triggering, just using OPKs to detect ovulation.

If this one doesn't work, we have one more IUI on the books, and then we've decided to take three months off to re-focus and give my body a break. I am still not sure how I'm going to actually take a break, and how I'll deal with it emotionally. I just feel like us being parents will never happen, and taking a break is wasting precious time if it is going to happen. I'm 30 and feel like I'm getting too old, too fast. I don't want to be an old mom, and Derek doesn't want to be an old dad. He's put our deadline at his 34th birthday, which is just over four years from now. Considering we've been at this for three years already with no success, I feel like that's just not enough time.

But, I need a mental break. I feel myself getting depressed and anxious, and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I'm almost considering not doing the next IUI, though I know I will when it comes down to it.

I wish, wish, wish this would just happen already.