IVF #1 - It worked...and then it didn't.

Previous to starting this whole IVF process, Derek and I discussed how and when we were going to do a pregnancy test following the transfer. I am a self admitted POAS addict, so had originally planned to test out my trigger and then (hopefully) watch the line get darker again to indicate a pregnancy. However, Derek pointed out, and rightfully so, that this whole process should involve the both of us, and we both needed to be involved in the testing. In an effort to take the pressure off, and to keep this as close to a shared process as possible, we agreed to test together on a day where we would be sure the trigger was gone, and any second line would mean a pregnancy.

There was some disagreement about the test date, but I recall that we decided to test 14 days post trigger (or 9DP3DT / 12DPO) while Derek remembers 14 days past the retrieval (11DP3DT / 14 DPO). Either way, we ended up testing on 10DP3DT / 13 DPO, this past Saturday. And we got this:

It's light, but it's a line, a line even Derek could see. It's a line that is reasonable for ten days past a three day transfer. It worked, and I cried. Derek asked why I was crying and I said I was just so happy!

But alas, it was not to be. I tested again the next day and the line didn't get any darker. Looking to calm my fears, I went in for a beta and tried my hardest to remain positive. I didn't get the results until the next day, Monday, and I knew what was coming. My beta was only 4, which is technically 'not pregnant' (below 5 is classified as not pregnant). My test that morning had been almost negative (damn those FRER's are sensitive!). By this time, I was 12DP3DT, or 15DPO.

Today is my official test day with the fertility clinic - yes, they make you wait until 18 days past retrieval - and I'm not even going to bother going in. I'll give them a call and let them know I've tested negative and schedule our WTF appointment. This is our third uterine loss (I also had an ectopic last summer) and I'm convinced there is something going on with implantation. Our plan going forward is to review the results of my repeat pregnancy loss panel and request additional immunology blood work for potential problems including increased NK cell activity and lupus.

We also need to take a few months off. Though I was happy, positive and emotionally stable through the whole IVF, I feel mentally drained at this point. In retrospect, this took a much bigger toll on us then we thought. In less then two weeks we will be in Hawaii with my parents and sister Lara for a couple of weeks, and then we head to Penticton, B.C. for ten days in mid-May, and we need it. We'll start the immunology testing in June and expect the results to take a few months. That puts us at August or September for our frozen embryo transfer (FET).

At this point in time, I don't feel like I could handle another IVF cycle. Adoption seems like a reasonable option for us at this point, and comes with a much better guarantee at close to the same price. That said, we'll see what the next year brings.

Quick and Dirty Update

Quick and dirty update: As of last Thursday, August 18, my beta was below 5, so back to non-pregnancy levels. It went down faster then I thought, to be honest.

Kind of interesting - the afternoon before I did a FRER pregnancy test I had sitting in my desk and it was faintly positive. Must have just caught the tail end of the drop!?

Unfortunately, I've had a rough couple of days, though today feels a bit brighter (could be on account of the sun and warmth). I had a few run-in's with pregnant people and babies on Saturday, and that progressed in to me feeling really sorry for myself. I get all sad and kind of just drag myself around when I am in moods like this, and although I'm not snappy or bitchy, I am pretty boring to be around because I get quiet and don't want to be around people. I guess it's a blessing in disguise that Derek's worked the last two nights and is out camping/hiking with a buddy tonight. Sometimes you just need to be alone, you know? Plus, I've been catching up on one of my favourite TV series and there is lots of unwarranted crying involved, but it feels good.

Anyhow, I did the sweep over the weekend and got rid of my dozens of positive pregnancy tests except for one - the darkest one from 18 DPO. I still have one from my pregnancy last summer, and decided I'd keep one from this pregnancy too. Something to remember, I guess, since there really isn't anything else.

Cycle Day 1

The book is slowly closing on this chapter in our journey. I got my period this morning. I knew it was coming, but I still had a shred of hope. When I woke up early this morning, I was cramping, but didn't actually have my period yet. I spent the first 30 minutes of my morning searching Fertility Friend for charts that showed women who had negative tests on 13 days past ovulation, and positive tests on 14 DPO. There were many, and I used that to build up my hope just a little bit. I got up and waited.

I didn't have to wait long. I'm in full blown unused uterine lining shed mode now. My boobs are less sore, I'm cramping and I'm craving sugar and carbs.

Tonight I was going to pack everything up, but I just can't face it yet. I'll get it done, I just need a few days. I have multiple used negative pregnancy tests in various drawers of the house (yes, I save most of them - yes, it's weird), including my 19DPO test from my pregnancy last July. I don't know if I can throw that one away - is it a cruel reminder of what I lost, or a reminder of the hope I'm holding on to, the proof that I can get pregnant?

I still don't know how I'm going to stop trying, really. How do I stop tracking what day I am in my cycle? How do I not think 'I know I'm really fertile right now'? I even looked at the calendar this morning to see if Derek's visit to Ontario to see family late this month would interfere with our chances this cycle - it does. I was disappointed.

So what's next? We have an appointment on April 20th at the fertility clinic to discuss next steps to look forward to. Other then that, I'm trying not to think too far ahead. I'm focusing on other things that are important to me - running, cycling, our upcoming trips, losing a few pounds, looking at other employment opportunities, possibly going back to university for my Masters. Maybe I can focus my newfound free time on the things I love, and eventually, somehow, I'll stop thinking about it all the time.

The Bitter Infertile

You know how when something really bad is happening in your life, you say you 'wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy'? Well, when I become a 'Bitter Infertile', I do wish it on other people. I hate myself for it later on, but in the moment, I want other people, people who have had it lucky, to share in my pain and sadness. I have to restrain myself from making snide comments, and reassure myself that next week I'll feel much happier about life in general, but during the few days before my period shows up, when I'm dealing with PMS bitchiness combined with the fact that I'm sure I'm not pregnant, yet again, I wallow in my sorrow.

The bitchiness came out last night. My sister, who is early in her second trimester and who became pregnant the month after coming off birth control, complained on Facebook last night that she felt like garbage and pregnancy wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I commented that she should be thankful and that I would give anything to feel like garbage. I immediately regretted the comment, but left it, because the 'Bitter Infertile' in me wants to spread out the anger and sadness I feel so that maybe I won't have to deal with it all by myself. Comments like these are unfair for me to make to those who have been blessed, and I apologize to my sister for trying to make her feel bad for being blessed (as I'm sure she's reading this).

I suppose I still don't know for sure that I'm not pregnant - I am supposed to get my period tomorrow - but everything points to it not being our month yet. Part of the reason I'm feeling so angry is because I now have to face months of not trying. Derek needs a break, and though I hate to admit it, so do I. I know next week I'll feel better about all this and the relief of not trying will come back, but I also know that in four weeks, when I get my period, I'll go through this again.

The hope and horror of test day

I had a plan for today, test day. I was going to get up with Derek, who was going to work today, do a CBE Digital Pregnancy test, jump back in bed, and let him wait and then tell me what it said. I've had dreams over the last week of him coming in and telling me I'm pregnant, regardless of the fact that I felt very little hope this month. Everything worked out and I was finally pregnant, right on lucky cycle 36. I had dreams that after exactly three years, the sperm finally met the egg and we were going to be parents!

I woke up at 6:30 am having to pee. I started peeing in to a cup to save my first morning urine for when we were both up. I wiped. There it was. My period, right on time.

So, the second IUI didn't work. We have one more, and then we take the entire summer off. I feel like I have to start preparing myself for the inevitable third failure and then brace myself for just not trying, when that's all I've been doing for three years. I know it's for the benefit of my mental health, but it's going to be so hard.

I guess the silver lining is that I didn't waste an expensive digital test today. Is that even a silver lining?