The hope and horror of test day

I had a plan for today, test day. I was going to get up with Derek, who was going to work today, do a CBE Digital Pregnancy test, jump back in bed, and let him wait and then tell me what it said. I've had dreams over the last week of him coming in and telling me I'm pregnant, regardless of the fact that I felt very little hope this month. Everything worked out and I was finally pregnant, right on lucky cycle 36. I had dreams that after exactly three years, the sperm finally met the egg and we were going to be parents!

I woke up at 6:30 am having to pee. I started peeing in to a cup to save my first morning urine for when we were both up. I wiped. There it was. My period, right on time.

So, the second IUI didn't work. We have one more, and then we take the entire summer off. I feel like I have to start preparing myself for the inevitable third failure and then brace myself for just not trying, when that's all I've been doing for three years. I know it's for the benefit of my mental health, but it's going to be so hard.

I guess the silver lining is that I didn't waste an expensive digital test today. Is that even a silver lining?