Happy Father's Day

Although my husband never reads my blog, I want to wish him a happy Father's Day. We unfortunately do not have our own bundle of joy, but I know that when the time comes - and it will - he will be the most wonderful father to that lucky, lucky child.

Even though he doesn't say it, he's very emotionally invested in being a dad. Last night I was talking about a baby name I loved, and he then spent about 45 minutes going through baby name websites looking up names he liked. It was very touching, and reminded me that he's in this just as much as I am. It'll take the two of us to get through this.

Love you like a turtle loves a dove, Derek.

The Sonohysterogram

I am the type of person that likes to know all of the details before I make a decision or do something important. When it comes to work, I am the person that reads the entire manual, including the introduction and glossary. When I go to the dentist for a filling, I ask to see the x-rays, get a description of why he thinks I need the work done, and ask how it's going to be done. When I'm getting some sort of procedure done, like a Sonohysterogram, I Google it.

Search one: Sonohysterogram
Search two: Sonohysterogram procedure
Search three: Sonohysterogram pain
Search four: Sonohysterogram horrifying pain
Search five: Sonohysterogram death

Yeah, that's me.

So after scaring the crap out of myself, I followed the instructions for taking the preventative antibiotics, took the Naproxen two hours before the scheduled procedure, and also took some leftover Valium I had (from the dentist).

We arrived at the clinic early and waited for my turn to go in. Luckily for me (or was it unluckily?), they were on time and I was quickly escorted into the back on my own. Husbands, or anyone for that matter, aren't allowed to come in the room. I was led to a curtained off area and instructed to strip from the waist down and put on a paper robe. Once the room was set up, they led me in and asked me to get up on the table.

The nurses and doctors were great. They explained everything that was going to happen (they all do this at the fertility clinic - its awesome for someone like me that needs to know everything). The nurse started off with the dildo cam (yeah, that's not the right term for it, but it's more fun to say) and checked my lining, ovaries and follicles. Once that was done, two doctors came in to perform the Sonohysterogram.

The procedure starts with the insertion of a speculum and then they start to insert a catheter in through the cervix. This is where it always sucks for me. My cervix always seems to be in an odd position and has a curve in it. They always say 'this might pinch'. Hahaha, yeah... Once they slaughter my cervix and get the catheter through, they need to inflate this balloon on the catheter to ensure there is enough room for the saline to get through. This fucking hurt. A lot. And then, while I was already moaning in pain, they start to inject the saline. This really fucking hurt.

Guess what they did next, while I'm laying on the table trying to control my breathing? They put the dildo cam back in and started taking pictures, discussing what they saw on the screen that I couldn't see. All I heard was stuff like 'polyps', 'fibroid', 'what is that?' and similar scary things. The nurse did a great job of telling me I was doing a great job, and finally, after about five minutes, it was all over.

So, here's the thing - I have a two cm 'lesion' in my uterus, right next to some scar tissue that has caused a 'false passage', which is important to know for embryo placement (they won't stick to the scar tissue, so they need to avoid it during IVF). The lesion needs to be looked at and probably removed via hysteroscopy and D&C, so next week they'll schedule me in for surgery. This is similar to the surgery I had in April 2010 and I'll be going under (thank goodness).

Anyway, I think I'm one of the minority that has a painful experience with this procedure. Normally, it's a pretty basic procedure and is really not that bad. Maybe I'm just extra wussy, or maybe I'm just extra lucky and my body is constructed in a way that makes everything hurt worse then normal. Who knows?

I guess it's another bump in the road, but if I get in for the surgery relatively quickly, this shouldn't delay anything. It just sucks.

Damn, I hate infertility.

There must be a weird grieving process when it comes to infertility.

If there is a grieving process, I think I'm in the 'acceptance' phase. It's weird how time and diversions change your feelings about how much time you have left. What I mean is, there have been a few things that have come up that will delay the IVF a couple of months, but I think I'm ok with that. A few months ago, this would have devastated me.

Delay number one: I need to do a Sonohysterogram before they will register us for our two day IVF / Donor Program seminars, which are mandatory. The catch is that the next seminar is in July, today is Day 2 of my cycle, and they need to do the procedure on day 6 to 10 of my cycle, so we are cutting it close. It's hit and miss if they have room for the Sonohysterogram for any given person month to month, so I call on Cycle Day 1, and from there it's just a wait for a last minute call with an appointment. If I don't get in this month, we won't qualify for the July seminars. If we don't get in to the July seminars, the next ones aren't until September. I doubt we'll get in for July (I haven't heard back from the clinic since I called yesterday).

Delay number two: When I started my new job (which I LOVE!), they said that they'd prefer for me to start my Masters program in January rather then September because September will be very busy with big, big projects kicking off that I will be fully involved in. So, I called the University to get my dates changed around only to be told that they will not be offering the January class any more. So it's September, or September. I have no choice, and my boss indicated today that we will just have to figure things out. The thing is, I have a three week residency in October, and certainly can't take my medications / injections while I'm there, not to mention the monitoring that has to happen. That pushes us to November to start everything.

Another thing: our closest couple friends are pregnant. She had told me she wasn't 'ready to give up her freedom' but apparently she was, because she's eight weeks. Everyone around me is pregnant right now.

I think I'm ok with this. I've been really busy so far this summer - time in Penticton, B.C., cycling with the team, a half marathon last weekend, another half scheduled for July, family reunion on the coast in August - I'm too busy to process and / or cry right now. Is this a good thing? Or am I just holding it all in and heading for disaster? Guess we'll see.

Packing up and moving on.

Perspective and hormones seem to dictate how easy or hard it is for me to move on. I've had two 'moving on' events in my life recently: a new job, and the final step in taking the summer off from trying to conceive.

Last month I said I'd be packing up all of my pregnancy tests and getting rid of all the used ones I kept (weird, I know) and it took me a full four weeks to feel like I was ready to do it. About a week ago, I finally started gathering up all of my pregnancy tests scattered around the house and threw them out. It was sort of liberating in a way, and I didn't cry. I was ready for this step, mostly because I've finally come to terms with taking the summer off, and also because I know this isn't the end.

This is one month of pregnancy tests. There has to be at least $150 worth in there, and this isn't including all of my cheapy internet strips, nor the ones I had already thrown out. Sad, isn't it? Sadder still that I took a pregnancy test right after gathering these all up, just in case.

In other 'moving on' news, I started my new job this past Tuesday. So far, it's awesome and a bit scary. Apparently they think I know what I'm doing and that I'll be a superstar, so it'll be a busy few months.

Another update will be coming soon - I talked to the nurse at the Fertility Clinic today about donating eggs to my sister at the same time as we do our IVF. It's a go! I'm just waiting for the information packet and I'll outline the process. The only bad news is that it sounds like we may be waiting a bit longer just because of scheduling for all of the stuff we have to do to prepare for it, so the IVF(s) might not happen until October or November. Fingers crossed for Christmas babies!

Pre-IVF Appointment

This afternoon was our first post-failed IUI / pre-IVF appointment. Here's the low down:

The doctor thinks I may have egg quality issues. Before I even said anything, she recommended going to IVF because of this. She thinks we have a good chance of harvesting 10 to 12 eggs for retrieval however, and we have a 50% to 65% chance of conceiving with our first IVF.

I discussed donating a portion of my eggs to my sister, Lara, within the same cycle. I worried that they might be reluctant to allow this because I don't have any of my own children yet, but she said she can see no issues with going ahead with a shared cycle. She is discussing the plan with the Donor Egg Program doctor and I will get a call within the next two weeks with the go-ahead. Of course, there is a huge emotional umbrella over this possibility that we will all need to work through, but we have a few months to figure out our bottom lines.

So, over the summer there are a number of things we need to do. First and foremost, Derek and I, as well as my sister Lara and her husband Roland, will have to attend an evening / morning program about the Donor Program and IVF in general. Following that, we need to decide how many eggs I'll be donating and get a legal contract written up and signed by all for the procedure.

I need to have a sonohysterogram within the next couple of months (not looking forward to this) as well as Cycle Day 3 blood tests (Estradol, FSH, LH). Derek and I both have to get a bunch of blood tests done for a variety of illnesses (HIV, Hepatitis, etc.) at some point as well, as will Lara and Roland.

At this point, this is all I know. I'll have more specifics once I hear back from the Donor Egg Program nurse.

We're aiming for a September / October IVF. I do not need to take birth control to prepare because my cycles are very regular. Looks like they will be doing a standard three day transfer as long as everything works out (fingers crossed!).

If all goes well, both Lara and I will be pregnant by Christmas.

Due Dates

Yesterday was our due date for the baby we conceived last July and lost. It's amazing how fast the time goes, and it's hard for me to believe that I could be holding a baby in my arms right now if fate hadn't dealt me a bad hand.

We could also have an almost four year old right now. I found out I was pregnant right around the time Derek was graduating for his training with the Fire Department in May 2007.

I wonder what we would have had? What would we have named him or her? Would they be healthy?

As yesterday becomes distant past, it will get easier, but for now, happy birthday unknown baby.

Good news comes in different forms

The other day I realized that I didn't know what cycle day I was on. I have known my cycle day for 39 cycles, so this is a big step for me. I think part of the reason I didn't know is because I've had a major life change occur over the past few days.

I have been unhappy in my current job for a long while now. I had been told on a few occasions that in order to get promotions I would need to improve my education, so I started making inquiries to various universities. I spoke with an advisor at one particular university on the West Coast and was told I would likely be accepted in to their Masters program, so I decided to go for it. When I told my boss about this, he seemed happy for me and advised me to talk to Human Resources about funding and the requisite three weeks per year residency requirement (in Victoria).

HR eventually said no to the funding, which I sort of expected, but was disappointed about. My boss told me he would at least support me with the three weeks a year residency requirements, so I went ahead and submitted my application fee and started pulling together the documents I needed. A month later, he told me he couldn't even support the three weeks off, because they 'couldn't let me be away from the office for three weeks at a time'. I was angry because of the money and time I had already spent with his promise of support, and started aggressively searching for a new job.

I got the job offer last Thursday morning. My salary will be increasing by about 30%, I will get four weeks vacation, every second Friday off, and they are going to pay for and support my education. There was no way I could refuse, so I gave my notice last Friday. Of course, my boss isn't happy, but that's not what matters. I'm happy, and this gives me something to look forward to after months of disappointments and unhappiness. I feel a renewed sense of excitement and I have something big to look forward to at last.

This won't change our plans for IVF in the fall, it only means we'll be able to save up more money, faster. We've discussed my going back to school while being pregnant and on maternity leave and have decided that it's something we can handle.

Now knowing karma, we'll probably get pregnant this summer. Isn't that how it always works?