It's not your fault

Here's the thing: it's human nature to find blame when something goes wrong. When it comes to fertility issues, you try to blame things like biology, second hand smoke, the chlamydia you got (and took care of) when you were a teenager, or the amount of time your husband spends sitting on a bike. I understand the need to find meaning, to find a cause and fix it, but unfortunately what that often means is that you're blaming yourself. Blaming yourself seems like the only logical way to deal with the pain and anger that comes along with infertility - you internalize it. And I'm talking to you men with MFI as well. Stop beating yourself up, stop looking into the past, regretting mistakes (that made you who you are today) and start looking forward.

Easier said then done, I know, and I'm not there yet either. But what you can do is not allow others to place the blame on you either. When someone tells you to 'just relax', what they're really saying is 'if only you would stop doing ______, you would get pregnant (or stay pregnant)'. It's assumed that you or your partner must be doing 'something wrong', and if only you would raise your hips, use OPK's, have more sex, time sex better, 'get the job done', or whatever, you would get your take home baby. Unfortunately, many of the people we confide in about our struggles can not empathize (though if you do have a fellow IFer in real life, one who remains an IFer even after succeeding, hold on to them) and can only offer misguided advice. Usually it's with good intentions, so don't fault them, but don't let it drag you down either. They just don't understand and (likely) never will.

Be stong, fellow IFers. No, your time may never come, though I hope for a take home baby for each and every one of you. But in the meantime, during this painful journey, be kind to yourself. It's not your fault.

The benefits of being childless

This is a make myself feel better post - I've been a bit mopey about the TTC thing lately. Obviously I'd give all of these benefits up for us to have a child of our own, but in the meantime:

1. I can sleep until 11 on the weekend if I want to AND I sleep through every night (almost).
2. We don't have a pay a babysitter so we can go on much needed 'dates'.
3. I never smell like baby poop or puke.
4. I can wear nice clothes any time I want.
5. We can take last minute trips.
6. The only person I have to consider when making decisions is Derek.
7. We have a lot of money to spend on ourselves.
8. My house is (relatively) clean.
9. We can watch R rated movies at 3 in the afternoon.
10. We can have sex any time and anywhere we want (sorry mom and dad).

Ah, that's better. Make anyone jealous? Probably not.

We have our first appointment with the adoption homestudy lady this coming Monday night. It's nice to be moving along - it's been almost a year since we started this whole process. As well, I've made an appointment with our RE to tell her (yes, TELL her, not ask) that we are doing further immunology investigation and that I'd like another Lap before we do the FET. I have been having severe twisting ouchy pain in my ovaries, especially the left (the one where I had my ectopic last year), and especially during AF. Makes me wonder if I have some scar tissue and/or endometriosis in there. Really, I just want to make sure everything is good to go and all cleaned out when we finally do this FET.

Winning

This post is a long time coming, but with the flu, colds, Christmas and travel, I have been so busy and worn out that I'm only getting a chance to write now.

Thank you all so, so much for your support during the SIRM IVF contest. We did not make the finals, which was a shock to us and many who voted for us. I honestly thought we would at least make the top ten and go to the final round, and I have to admit that I was more crushed then I expected to not even make it that far. However, reflecting on the experience, I think we did win in a way. The love, support, and words of kindness from family, friends and strangers showed us how loved we are. It was incredible to look at my Facebook feed and follow the shares of our video to see how far our story went. People we don't know on the other side of the planet wished us the best and voted for our video. So amazing.

As I mentioned, not making it to the finals did hit me harder then I expected. We also 'tried' this month, and of course, it didn't work. I couldn't help but get my hopes up though. That, combined with getting AF on Christmas Eve and suffering from horrible, horrible cramps this month made me an emotional mess. I was depressed and struggled to enjoy the day. I did come around after a couple of days, but I have to admit that I'm in a bit of a sad place right now with the whole TTC thing. We need to take a bit of a break from it all and regroup - focus on us for a little bit. Because really, that's the most important thing for us...each other.

When words are inadequate

The Sher Institute of Reproductive Medicine (SIRM) occasionally runs contests for eligible couples to win a cycle of IVF. This time, Derek and I decided to enter. The contestants submit a four-ish minute video about their story and, starting this past Tuesday, December 11th, the videos went up for public vote. Once the voting ends, the top five to 10 videos are reviewed by a judging panel consisting of previous winners. The winner of the free cycle is announced on December 20.

Since we've posted our video, and since I've shared the contest link with friends and family, the response has been overwhelming. Actually, overwhelming doesn't even begin to describe how we feel. We feel honoured, inspired, lucky and thankful for all the wonderful, amazing, empathetic people out there, of all nationalities, sexes, backgrounds and what have you. My friends and family, and the amazing ladies in my Facebook and Fertility Friend buddy groups have been promoting us since the contest site went live. I look at my Facebook feed and see person after person posting the most amazing things about us and how we deserve this, and asking people who don't know us to support us by voting. And they do. And then they share with their friends. It's just...there are simply no words.

I feel like, even if we don't win, we'll still be ok. Why? Because of all of you. Your support, love, compassion and tears have worked to heal a piece of our hearts. Infertility is one of the toughest things a couple will go through, but just knowing there are so many people out there who genuinely care makes us feel less alone. So thank you.

To vote for us, follow this link and click on 'Jobson Family': I Believe

A direct link to our video is here (this is my Youtube page, not the Sher Institute page): We Believe - Derek and Emily Jobson

Thoughts

Just mussing on paper....

Today, during my lunch break, I went to the pharmacy and bought OPK's ($60!) and Instead Cups. Why do I do this to myself? What makes me want to try again and again, with no positive results? Is that not the perfect definition of insanity? I know I'm setting myself up for a stressful month, but I can't help it. I mean really, if we do everything exactly right, why shouldn't this work?

I read a study earlier today that said that a couple with 'unexplained' infertility has a 30% - 60% chance of conceiving within three years. Seems pretty high, right? But three years is a loooooong time, and that's just the chance of conceiving, not live births (hey, that's me!). It's things like that, though, that keep me on the fence about everything. On one hand, I just want to call the clinic today and say 'sign me up for an IVF next month, let's try this again and bring out the big guns!', but then on the other hand, it's just.so.hard. It's a lot of work (and money) for minimal rates of success. And really, we have a good reason to wait to do anything right now (see my last post), but I don't wanna wait. Why can't life just work out the way you want it to?

I've been reflecting on two things related to infertility lately. The first is that the last (almost) six years of infertility, TTC, treatments, losses, etc., have taught me patience. Sounds crazy considering I just wrote about how I don't wanna wait right now, but it's true. All we do is wait when it comes to this stuff. Wait to ovulate, wait to take a pregnancy test, wait to do blood tests, wait to do surgeries, wait for the next beta, wait to get the call for our IVF cycle, and on and on. It's been difficult, but I think patience is something that is valuable, and I'm glad my capacity for patience has grown.

The second thing is that I feel like such a horrible person for sometimes hoping that other women/couples get to experience a small touch of what we've gone through. I don't know why, but I feel like people might be able to empathize a teeny bit more if they go through a small slice of this. I'm such a jerk, I know. Can't help it though, and I'm not really sure what to add to this statement. I guess I have some more self-reflection to do here, but my gut reaction is that this feeling comes from a place of jealousy on my part.

Anyway, we had a wonderful weekend with S. I met her mom for the first time and saw what type of home she lives in. I think of S all the time - I find myself thinking of life milestones she will go through and how we can help her and give her advice. I think of the things I might say to make sure she remains a strong, self-confident girl, I look at clothes in her size and imagine the types of clothes I might buy for her if she was with us. I think of the bike we want to get for her and how we'd decorate her room. And then I try to make myself stop thinking about it because I can't let myself go too far down that path in case it doesn't work out.

Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off.

The Stuff of Life

It's been ages since I posted an update, but I have a good excuse - I've been in Victoria, B.C. for my second year residency (graduate studies). While being away from home for 3 weeks was stressful, and the residency this year was academically and emotionally draining, it was nice to be away from the TTC game with no time to dwell on things.

I arrived home this past Sunday and took Monday off, which was much needed. I slept for a blissful 13 hours Sunday night! Monday afternoon we went for a visit with S's part time foster mom to get an update on the little one, who has been back with her mom five days a week since the end of August. It sounds like things aren't going that well, unfortunately. It's a struggle for both Derek and I to not get a little bit excited about this - S is struggling right now, as is her mom, yet this means we might actually get her in to our home permanently. I feel like such a bad person for being hopeful that things go wrong. Horrible.

So, in light of these possible changes, we have decided to postpone our FET for now. We were planning a November/December transfer, but because of the way things are going with S, we'd like to focus on her for now. It was a tough decision, but it's for the best in the long run. I just have to stay positive, which is especially hard when it seems to be a season of new pregnancies in my life at the moment. I don't begrudge anyone, I don't cry over it, but it's still difficult.

In other news, I went to an allergist yesterday because I've always wondered if I'm allergic to bees or wasps. I've never been stung, and since Derek and I spend a lot of time outdoors, I worried that I might be allergic, get stung in the middle of nowhere and have a reaction with no epi pen. The good news is I am not allergic to any local insect venoms. The bad news is I apparently have chronic environmental allergies and allergic rhinitis. The doc said I've likely had this since I was a child and it's caused my eczema (hands, feet and face), sporadic hives, and the keratosis pilaris I had as a teenager. It likely started with exposure to smoke and animals as a baby and child and my body became so used to it over the years ("chronic") that I no longer have the runny nose and itchy eyes. My nasal passages are inflamed, however, and my body is working in overdrive and has been for years. So my immune system is overloaded. Back to the immune system...huh. It's interesting how so many things come back to that; I'm almost 100% convinced it's linked to our fertility issues.

The game plan for now is to continue on my supplements (3,000 - 4,500 IU Omega-3, NAC, high folic prenatals, 5,000 - 10,000 IU liquid Vitamin D3 daily) and add daily sinus flushing with a Neti Pot and a pet free bedroom with a HEPA air filter and TTC naturally. I seem to get pregnant naturally once a year, so we have a while before anything happens, probably. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by all of this crap I have to do, but I at least have to give it a try, I suppose. Life, ack.

The Immune System and Miscarriages

A fairly well known but often unexplored avenue for recurrent pregnancy loss is immune system and inflammation issues. There are thousands of articles and stacks of research on the connection, but few clinics, especially clinics in Canada, explore these issues. Rather, they run the standard RPL panel, which focuses more on issues that cause second trimester losses (such as clotting issues).

According to Reproductive Immunology Associates (http://www.rialab.com/miscarriages_prevented.php), up to 50% of repeat early losses are caused by immune factors, either autoimmune (female's body fighting itself) or alloimmune (immune response to the father's cells in the embryo). Unfortunately, many of the tests recommended for detecting these issues are not performed regularly in Canada, so we pay out of pocket to send it to the U.S.

In a cost saving effort, I went to my GP and asked her to order as many tests as possible locally. Luckily, she is very understanding and accommodating, and ordered exactly what I asked for, plus a few other factors such as Vitamin D (summary of it's use in miscarriage here) and iron, as well as a full thrombophilia panel (clotting issues). Everything came back within normal parameters, though my Vitamin D was low for TTC. Odd how I'm disappointed that everything is normal - I suppose I was hoping for an answer.

Next on the list of important tests is an NK Cell Assay. Dr. Beer describes Natural Killer cells: "The bulk of the cells detected that express CD56 on their surface have a particular function that accounts for their name, natural killer cell. This function is, of course, the ability to identify and then kill foreign or abnormal cells. Identification of the number and activity of these cells gives us an idea of the strength of this killing capacity." Basically, these cells kill foreign materials. If the body sees a pregnancy as 'foreign' and 'abnormal', it will attack the embryo and cause a miscarriage. Assessing the levels of these NK cells in the body can give a better indication of the likelihood that an overactive immune system is the cause of early pregnancy loss.

I'm checking with both Reprosource and Millenova for costs, but word is that we're looking at between $250 and $400 for this test, not including shipping in to the U.S. I would love to do this before I leave for University in (eek!) a week and a half but it's unlikely. We'll aim for the end of October and hope for a short turn around in time for our FET in November/December. Fingers crossed for a sticky pregnancy by year end!