On Monday at 5:30 a.m. I arrived at the Foothills hospital for exploratory slash diagnostic surgery on my reproductive bits. We started with the time consuming admissions process as soon as we arrived and I was shuttled to the waiting room outside the operating suite by 7:15. The anaesthesiologist (boo yeah, spelled that right the first time!) came for a chat about my history of being knocked the eff out (medically, not physically) and I mentioned to him that I have difficult veins. And when I say they're difficult, I mean they are jerks. They look like they're right there, but they're tricking you. They tricked this guy into poking my six times before he finally got in to a vein. Yet again, I've got that junkie look going on.
By that time I'd been walked in to the operating room and had both arms splayed out and strapped down. Dr. Foong has done the briefing and now I've been injected with something nice and relaxing and wow, look at how the ceiling tiles are moving and this is sooo...zzzzzz...
I woke up in the recovery room around 10:15 with some pretty decent pain. I remember telling the nurse that it felt like a 6 or 7 out of ten and she kept pumping me full of morphine until it was all a lovely fog. By the time I was moved to my own room, I felt much, much better, but they gave me an oxycontin anyhow. Great service and great nurses. However, when Derek picked me up at noon-ish, I was nauseous to the point of not being able to really move. From the drugs or general, I'm not sure, but that was the worst I've ever felt after a procedure, ugh. I spent the rest of the day on the couch with a bucket and went to bed early.
Because work is hellishly busy I was back to the grind the next day (yesterday). Luckily, I mostly sit at a desk, but the gas pain in my shoulders and under my diaphragm were more than uncomfortable and I was glad for the T3's. Today, the second day after the surgery, I feel better but still sore, and when I went for my follow up, Dr. Foong told me I'm a trooper because most patients are still at home on percocet's at this point.
The diagnosis? Everything is clean as a whistle. No endometriosis, no adhesions, ovaries look healthy, my remaining tube - old righty - is clear, good healing where they removed my left tube. The only somewhat significant finding, which we already sort of knew, is that my uterus is severely tilted forward. So much so that when she was doing the hysteroscopy, she said she was almost laying on the floor so she could angle the camera in to my uterus properly. This shouldn't affect fertility, it can just cause issues with passing catheters through the cervix during procedures, which we've already had lots of experience with.
Since we're not really doing anything medically until November-ish, we're doing the 'not trying, not preventing' thing until then. She agreed to write me a prescription for DHEA - it's a prescription in Canada and the clinic has to have it specially made because it's not available here - and also has me on CoQ10. There is some evidence that both of these promote healthy development of eggs in certain types of people (FYI, don't take this without talking to your RE if you have PCOS), and it's sort of a can't hurt, might help thing for now. I have three month's worth, so we'll see what happens.
Otherwise, all squared away for the rest of the year. We're coming due for another 'natural' pregnancy, which seems to happen once a year, so we're on the immediate attention list at the fertility clinic, as I'm at high risk for ectopics. We're still holding out hope for a successful natural pregnancy, as many IFers do deep in their hearts, but at least we can still look forward to the FET this fall.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Random Spring Update
I say spring, but looking out the front window at ~20 cm's of snow makes me feel differently.
There hasn't been an update for a few months because we've been in a holding pattern (still in two week intervals despite not officially TTC right now) and I've been focused on work and school the last few months. However, two fairly relevant events have happened.
First, we are done our homestudy through the public adoption system. We ended up with three visits of 2 to 3 hours with the homestudy worker and are expecting our draft report in the next few weeks. We have decided to do 'child-specific' (for S) with the option to amend in 2014 to a general homestudy for our age range (which is 0 to 7). On the topic of S, as far as we are aware, she is back with mom full time with no supervisory order. I won't elaborate, but I can say that my faith in the system is broken. While I understand the goal of Child and Family Services is to keep families together, they are not providing the tools S and her mother need to ensure this transition is successful. Rather, they depend on her respite families like Derek and I, and members of Derek's family, to provide that to S and her mother, not just emotionally and physically, but financially as well. So, we just wait and see. Story of our life.
Secondly, I go in for a laparoscopy, D&C and hysteroscopy tomorrow morning to look for endometriosis, scar tissue from my ectopic and fallopian tube removal, and to clean things out a bit. I've had this surgery before and know what to expect. I'll show up at 5:30 am (ugh), sit in the hospital bed for a couple of hours while they insert the IV (last time they popped a vein - gah!) and do all the paper work, then get walked in to the OR. I'm put under general, so they strap my arms to the bed as they get my legs in position and give me a good shot of valium. Nice and relaxed, they tell me to count backwards from 100...I think I made it to 97 last time. I woke up in recovery an hour later and made my way home around noon. I only yesterday remembered the aggravation (and pain) of the gas they use to inflate the abdomen trying to escape through my impermeable shoulders, so my grand plan to use this opportunity to work on my research is kaiboshed as I'll be horizontal all day. Following this, the doctor will give me a prescription for DHEA (yes, it's prescription here in Canada) and we'll start actively TTC for the summer while waiting for me to finish my thesis and get ready for our FET in November.
I have another update related to our February Skype call with Dr. Hudson at the Victoria Fertility Clinic that I'll try and post tomorrow as I'm laid up. The long and short of it is if our FET fails this November, we're moving to VFC and doing the three IVF plan. 2014 is looking to be a busy year, though I hope it's busy for one reason - like pregnancy resulting from the FET - over another.
There hasn't been an update for a few months because we've been in a holding pattern (still in two week intervals despite not officially TTC right now) and I've been focused on work and school the last few months. However, two fairly relevant events have happened.
First, we are done our homestudy through the public adoption system. We ended up with three visits of 2 to 3 hours with the homestudy worker and are expecting our draft report in the next few weeks. We have decided to do 'child-specific' (for S) with the option to amend in 2014 to a general homestudy for our age range (which is 0 to 7). On the topic of S, as far as we are aware, she is back with mom full time with no supervisory order. I won't elaborate, but I can say that my faith in the system is broken. While I understand the goal of Child and Family Services is to keep families together, they are not providing the tools S and her mother need to ensure this transition is successful. Rather, they depend on her respite families like Derek and I, and members of Derek's family, to provide that to S and her mother, not just emotionally and physically, but financially as well. So, we just wait and see. Story of our life.
Secondly, I go in for a laparoscopy, D&C and hysteroscopy tomorrow morning to look for endometriosis, scar tissue from my ectopic and fallopian tube removal, and to clean things out a bit. I've had this surgery before and know what to expect. I'll show up at 5:30 am (ugh), sit in the hospital bed for a couple of hours while they insert the IV (last time they popped a vein - gah!) and do all the paper work, then get walked in to the OR. I'm put under general, so they strap my arms to the bed as they get my legs in position and give me a good shot of valium. Nice and relaxed, they tell me to count backwards from 100...I think I made it to 97 last time. I woke up in recovery an hour later and made my way home around noon. I only yesterday remembered the aggravation (and pain) of the gas they use to inflate the abdomen trying to escape through my impermeable shoulders, so my grand plan to use this opportunity to work on my research is kaiboshed as I'll be horizontal all day. Following this, the doctor will give me a prescription for DHEA (yes, it's prescription here in Canada) and we'll start actively TTC for the summer while waiting for me to finish my thesis and get ready for our FET in November.
I have another update related to our February Skype call with Dr. Hudson at the Victoria Fertility Clinic that I'll try and post tomorrow as I'm laid up. The long and short of it is if our FET fails this November, we're moving to VFC and doing the three IVF plan. 2014 is looking to be a busy year, though I hope it's busy for one reason - like pregnancy resulting from the FET - over another.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
It's not your fault
Here's the thing: it's human nature to find blame when something goes wrong. When it comes to fertility issues, you try to blame things like biology, second hand smoke, the chlamydia you got (and took care of) when you were a teenager, or the amount of time your husband spends sitting on a bike. I understand the need to find meaning, to find a cause and fix it, but unfortunately what that often means is that you're blaming yourself. Blaming yourself seems like the only logical way to deal with the pain and anger that comes along with infertility - you internalize it. And I'm talking to you men with MFI as well. Stop beating yourself up, stop looking into the past, regretting mistakes (that made you who you are today) and start looking forward.
Easier said then done, I know, and I'm not there yet either. But what you can do is not allow others to place the blame on you either. When someone tells you to 'just relax', what they're really saying is 'if only you would stop doing ______, you would get pregnant (or stay pregnant)'. It's assumed that you or your partner must be doing 'something wrong', and if only you would raise your hips, use OPK's, have more sex, time sex better, 'get the job done', or whatever, you would get your take home baby. Unfortunately, many of the people we confide in about our struggles can not empathize (though if you do have a fellow IFer in real life, one who remains an IFer even after succeeding, hold on to them) and can only offer misguided advice. Usually it's with good intentions, so don't fault them, but don't let it drag you down either. They just don't understand and (likely) never will.
Be stong, fellow IFers. No, your time may never come, though I hope for a take home baby for each and every one of you. But in the meantime, during this painful journey, be kind to yourself. It's not your fault.
Easier said then done, I know, and I'm not there yet either. But what you can do is not allow others to place the blame on you either. When someone tells you to 'just relax', what they're really saying is 'if only you would stop doing ______, you would get pregnant (or stay pregnant)'. It's assumed that you or your partner must be doing 'something wrong', and if only you would raise your hips, use OPK's, have more sex, time sex better, 'get the job done', or whatever, you would get your take home baby. Unfortunately, many of the people we confide in about our struggles can not empathize (though if you do have a fellow IFer in real life, one who remains an IFer even after succeeding, hold on to them) and can only offer misguided advice. Usually it's with good intentions, so don't fault them, but don't let it drag you down either. They just don't understand and (likely) never will.
Be stong, fellow IFers. No, your time may never come, though I hope for a take home baby for each and every one of you. But in the meantime, during this painful journey, be kind to yourself. It's not your fault.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
The benefits of being childless
This is a make myself feel better post - I've been a bit mopey about the TTC thing lately. Obviously I'd give all of these benefits up for us to have a child of our own, but in the meantime:
Ah, that's better. Make anyone jealous? Probably not.
We have our first appointment with the adoption homestudy lady this coming Monday night. It's nice to be moving along - it's been almost a year since we started this whole process. As well, I've made an appointment with our RE to tell her (yes, TELL her, not ask) that we are doing further immunology investigation and that I'd like another Lap before we do the FET. I have been having severe twisting ouchy pain in my ovaries, especially the left (the one where I had my ectopic last year), and especially during AF. Makes me wonder if I have some scar tissue and/or endometriosis in there. Really, I just want to make sure everything is good to go and all cleaned out when we finally do this FET.
- I can sleep until 11 on the weekend if I want to AND I sleep through every night (almost).
- We don't have a pay a babysitter so we can go on much needed 'dates'.
- I never smell like baby poop or puke.
- I can wear nice clothes any time I want.
- We can take last minute trips.
- The only person I have to consider when making decisions is Derek.
- We have a lot of money to spend on ourselves.
- My house is (relatively) clean.
- We can watch R rated movies at 3 in the afternoon.
- We can have sex any time and anywhere we want (sorry mom and dad).
Ah, that's better. Make anyone jealous? Probably not.
We have our first appointment with the adoption homestudy lady this coming Monday night. It's nice to be moving along - it's been almost a year since we started this whole process. As well, I've made an appointment with our RE to tell her (yes, TELL her, not ask) that we are doing further immunology investigation and that I'd like another Lap before we do the FET. I have been having severe twisting ouchy pain in my ovaries, especially the left (the one where I had my ectopic last year), and especially during AF. Makes me wonder if I have some scar tissue and/or endometriosis in there. Really, I just want to make sure everything is good to go and all cleaned out when we finally do this FET.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Winning
This post is a long time coming, but with the flu, colds, Christmas and travel, I have been so busy and worn out that I'm only getting a chance to write now.
Thank you all so, so much for your support during the SIRM IVF contest. We did not make the finals, which was a shock to us and many who voted for us. I honestly thought we would at least make the top ten and go to the final round, and I have to admit that I was more crushed then I expected to not even make it that far. However, reflecting on the experience, I think we did win in a way. The love, support, and words of kindness from family, friends and strangers showed us how loved we are. It was incredible to look at my Facebook feed and follow the shares of our video to see how far our story went. People we don't know on the other side of the planet wished us the best and voted for our video. So amazing.
As I mentioned, not making it to the finals did hit me harder then I expected. We also 'tried' this month, and of course, it didn't work. I couldn't help but get my hopes up though. That, combined with getting AF on Christmas Eve and suffering from horrible, horrible cramps this month made me an emotional mess. I was depressed and struggled to enjoy the day. I did come around after a couple of days, but I have to admit that I'm in a bit of a sad place right now with the whole TTC thing. We need to take a bit of a break from it all and regroup - focus on us for a little bit. Because really, that's the most important thing for us...each other.
Thank you all so, so much for your support during the SIRM IVF contest. We did not make the finals, which was a shock to us and many who voted for us. I honestly thought we would at least make the top ten and go to the final round, and I have to admit that I was more crushed then I expected to not even make it that far. However, reflecting on the experience, I think we did win in a way. The love, support, and words of kindness from family, friends and strangers showed us how loved we are. It was incredible to look at my Facebook feed and follow the shares of our video to see how far our story went. People we don't know on the other side of the planet wished us the best and voted for our video. So amazing.
As I mentioned, not making it to the finals did hit me harder then I expected. We also 'tried' this month, and of course, it didn't work. I couldn't help but get my hopes up though. That, combined with getting AF on Christmas Eve and suffering from horrible, horrible cramps this month made me an emotional mess. I was depressed and struggled to enjoy the day. I did come around after a couple of days, but I have to admit that I'm in a bit of a sad place right now with the whole TTC thing. We need to take a bit of a break from it all and regroup - focus on us for a little bit. Because really, that's the most important thing for us...each other.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
When words are inadequate
The Sher Institute of Reproductive Medicine (SIRM) occasionally runs contests for eligible couples to win a cycle of IVF. This time, Derek and I decided to enter. The contestants submit a four-ish minute video about their story and, starting this past Tuesday, December 11th, the videos went up for public vote. Once the voting ends, the top five to 10 videos are reviewed by a judging panel consisting of previous winners. The winner of the free cycle is announced on December 20.
Since we've posted our video, and since I've shared the contest link with friends and family, the response has been overwhelming. Actually, overwhelming doesn't even begin to describe how we feel. We feel honoured, inspired, lucky and thankful for all the wonderful, amazing, empathetic people out there, of all nationalities, sexes, backgrounds and what have you. My friends and family, and the amazing ladies in my Facebook and Fertility Friend buddy groups have been promoting us since the contest site went live. I look at my Facebook feed and see person after person posting the most amazing things about us and how we deserve this, and asking people who don't know us to support us by voting. And they do. And then they share with their friends. It's just...there are simply no words.
I feel like, even if we don't win, we'll still be ok. Why? Because of all of you. Your support, love, compassion and tears have worked to heal a piece of our hearts. Infertility is one of the toughest things a couple will go through, but just knowing there are so many people out there who genuinely care makes us feel less alone. So thank you.
To vote for us, follow this link and click on 'Jobson Family': I Believe
A direct link to our video is here (this is my Youtube page, not the Sher Institute page): We Believe - Derek and Emily Jobson
Since we've posted our video, and since I've shared the contest link with friends and family, the response has been overwhelming. Actually, overwhelming doesn't even begin to describe how we feel. We feel honoured, inspired, lucky and thankful for all the wonderful, amazing, empathetic people out there, of all nationalities, sexes, backgrounds and what have you. My friends and family, and the amazing ladies in my Facebook and Fertility Friend buddy groups have been promoting us since the contest site went live. I look at my Facebook feed and see person after person posting the most amazing things about us and how we deserve this, and asking people who don't know us to support us by voting. And they do. And then they share with their friends. It's just...there are simply no words.
I feel like, even if we don't win, we'll still be ok. Why? Because of all of you. Your support, love, compassion and tears have worked to heal a piece of our hearts. Infertility is one of the toughest things a couple will go through, but just knowing there are so many people out there who genuinely care makes us feel less alone. So thank you.
To vote for us, follow this link and click on 'Jobson Family': I Believe
A direct link to our video is here (this is my Youtube page, not the Sher Institute page): We Believe - Derek and Emily Jobson
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Thoughts
Just mussing on paper....
Today, during my lunch break, I went to the pharmacy and bought OPK's ($60!) and Instead Cups. Why do I do this to myself? What makes me want to try again and again, with no positive results? Is that not the perfect definition of insanity? I know I'm setting myself up for a stressful month, but I can't help it. I mean really, if we do everything exactly right, why shouldn't this work?
I read a study earlier today that said that a couple with 'unexplained' infertility has a 30% - 60% chance of conceiving within three years. Seems pretty high, right? But three years is a loooooong time, and that's just the chance of conceiving, not live births (hey, that's me!). It's things like that, though, that keep me on the fence about everything. On one hand, I just want to call the clinic today and say 'sign me up for an IVF next month, let's try this again and bring out the big guns!', but then on the other hand, it's just.so.hard. It's a lot of work (and money) for minimal rates of success. And really, we have a good reason to wait to do anything right now (see my last post), but I don't wanna wait. Why can't life just work out the way you want it to?
I've been reflecting on two things related to infertility lately. The first is that the last (almost) six years of infertility, TTC, treatments, losses, etc., have taught me patience. Sounds crazy considering I just wrote about how I don't wanna wait right now, but it's true. All we do is wait when it comes to this stuff. Wait to ovulate, wait to take a pregnancy test, wait to do blood tests, wait to do surgeries, wait for the next beta, wait to get the call for our IVF cycle, and on and on. It's been difficult, but I think patience is something that is valuable, and I'm glad my capacity for patience has grown.
The second thing is that I feel like such a horrible person for sometimes hoping that other women/couples get to experience a small touch of what we've gone through. I don't know why, but I feel like people might be able to empathize a teeny bit more if they go through a small slice of this. I'm such a jerk, I know. Can't help it though, and I'm not really sure what to add to this statement. I guess I have some more self-reflection to do here, but my gut reaction is that this feeling comes from a place of jealousy on my part.
Anyway, we had a wonderful weekend with S. I met her mom for the first time and saw what type of home she lives in. I think of S all the time - I find myself thinking of life milestones she will go through and how we can help her and give her advice. I think of the things I might say to make sure she remains a strong, self-confident girl, I look at clothes in her size and imagine the types of clothes I might buy for her if she was with us. I think of the bike we want to get for her and how we'd decorate her room. And then I try to make myself stop thinking about it because I can't let myself go too far down that path in case it doesn't work out.
Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off.
Today, during my lunch break, I went to the pharmacy and bought OPK's ($60!) and Instead Cups. Why do I do this to myself? What makes me want to try again and again, with no positive results? Is that not the perfect definition of insanity? I know I'm setting myself up for a stressful month, but I can't help it. I mean really, if we do everything exactly right, why shouldn't this work?
I read a study earlier today that said that a couple with 'unexplained' infertility has a 30% - 60% chance of conceiving within three years. Seems pretty high, right? But three years is a loooooong time, and that's just the chance of conceiving, not live births (hey, that's me!). It's things like that, though, that keep me on the fence about everything. On one hand, I just want to call the clinic today and say 'sign me up for an IVF next month, let's try this again and bring out the big guns!', but then on the other hand, it's just.so.hard. It's a lot of work (and money) for minimal rates of success. And really, we have a good reason to wait to do anything right now (see my last post), but I don't wanna wait. Why can't life just work out the way you want it to?
I've been reflecting on two things related to infertility lately. The first is that the last (almost) six years of infertility, TTC, treatments, losses, etc., have taught me patience. Sounds crazy considering I just wrote about how I don't wanna wait right now, but it's true. All we do is wait when it comes to this stuff. Wait to ovulate, wait to take a pregnancy test, wait to do blood tests, wait to do surgeries, wait for the next beta, wait to get the call for our IVF cycle, and on and on. It's been difficult, but I think patience is something that is valuable, and I'm glad my capacity for patience has grown.
The second thing is that I feel like such a horrible person for sometimes hoping that other women/couples get to experience a small touch of what we've gone through. I don't know why, but I feel like people might be able to empathize a teeny bit more if they go through a small slice of this. I'm such a jerk, I know. Can't help it though, and I'm not really sure what to add to this statement. I guess I have some more self-reflection to do here, but my gut reaction is that this feeling comes from a place of jealousy on my part.
Anyway, we had a wonderful weekend with S. I met her mom for the first time and saw what type of home she lives in. I think of S all the time - I find myself thinking of life milestones she will go through and how we can help her and give her advice. I think of the things I might say to make sure she remains a strong, self-confident girl, I look at clothes in her size and imagine the types of clothes I might buy for her if she was with us. I think of the bike we want to get for her and how we'd decorate her room. And then I try to make myself stop thinking about it because I can't let myself go too far down that path in case it doesn't work out.
Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off.
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