This must be a close approximation to hell

I'm sure if we all were in charge of creating our own personal hell when we die (if there is such a thing, or even an option), beta hell would be mine. Unfortunately, I'm living it out as we speak and it sucks!

My beta from Friday was 180, up from 100 on Wednesday, with a doubling time of 55.5 hours, which is pretty good. The call came at 8:15 this morning, after being up late at the movies (Horrible Bosses gets a 7 out of 10 from me), and finally falling asleep at 2 am. I LEAPED out of bed when my annoyingly loud ringer went off because I knew who it would be, and spoke with the nurse from the clinic. She was very neutral about it all and didn't give an opinion one way or another. The only thing is that when she said something about spotting and cramping, and I said I had had none, she sounded surprised. Not sure if that's good or bad.

I have no idea what this means. Vanishing twin syndrome? Ectopic? Slow starter or late implanter? Either way, the odds are still against us, but at least there are still odds.

I'm in for my fifth draw this afternoon and will hopefully have the results tomorrow. If it doubles again, I won't do another for at least a week. I need a break, and so do my veins.

I told Derek this morning over breakfast that we will go on believing this pregnancy is viable and try not to have any negative thoughts about it. He is to go back to calling it his little monkey and kissing my stomach goodnight, because no matter what the outcome is we love this little bean so much already and that's all we want it to feel.