Just mussing on paper....
Today, during my lunch break, I went to the pharmacy and bought OPK's ($60!) and Instead Cups. Why do I do this to myself? What makes me want to try again and again, with no positive results? Is that not the perfect definition of insanity? I know I'm setting myself up for a stressful month, but I can't help it. I mean really, if we do everything exactly right, why shouldn't this work?
I read a study earlier today that said that a couple with 'unexplained' infertility has a 30% - 60% chance of conceiving within three years. Seems pretty high, right? But three years is a loooooong time, and that's just the chance of conceiving, not live births (hey, that's me!). It's things like that, though, that keep me on the fence about everything. On one hand, I just want to call the clinic today and say 'sign me up for an IVF next month, let's try this again and bring out the big guns!', but then on the other hand, it's just.so.hard. It's a lot of work (and money) for minimal rates of success. And really, we have a good reason to wait to do anything right now (see my last post), but I don't wanna wait. Why can't life just work out the way you want it to?
I've been reflecting on two things related to infertility lately. The first is that the last (almost) six years of infertility, TTC, treatments, losses, etc., have taught me patience. Sounds crazy considering I just wrote about how I don't wanna wait right now, but it's true. All we do is wait when it comes to this stuff. Wait to ovulate, wait to take a pregnancy test, wait to do blood tests, wait to do surgeries, wait for the next beta, wait to get the call for our IVF cycle, and on and on. It's been difficult, but I think patience is something that is valuable, and I'm glad my capacity for patience has grown.
The second thing is that I feel like such a horrible person for sometimes hoping that other women/couples get to experience a small touch of what we've gone through. I don't know why, but I feel like people might be able to empathize a teeny bit more if they go through a small slice of this. I'm such a jerk, I know. Can't help it though, and I'm not really sure what to add to this statement. I guess I have some more self-reflection to do here, but my gut reaction is that this feeling comes from a place of jealousy on my part.
Anyway, we had a wonderful weekend with S. I met her mom for the first time and saw what type of home she lives in. I think of S all the time - I find myself thinking of life milestones she will go through and how we can help her and give her advice. I think of the things I might say to make sure she remains a strong, self-confident girl, I look at clothes in her size and imagine the types of clothes I might buy for her if she was with us. I think of the bike we want to get for her and how we'd decorate her room. And then I try to make myself stop thinking about it because I can't let myself go too far down that path in case it doesn't work out.
Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
The Stuff of Life
It's been ages since I posted an update, but I have a good excuse - I've been in Victoria, B.C. for my second year residency (graduate studies). While being away from home for 3 weeks was stressful, and the residency this year was academically and emotionally draining, it was nice to be away from the TTC game with no time to dwell on things.
I arrived home this past Sunday and took Monday off, which was much needed. I slept for a blissful 13 hours Sunday night! Monday afternoon we went for a visit with S's part time foster mom to get an update on the little one, who has been back with her mom five days a week since the end of August. It sounds like things aren't going that well, unfortunately. It's a struggle for both Derek and I to not get a little bit excited about this - S is struggling right now, as is her mom, yet this means we might actually get her in to our home permanently. I feel like such a bad person for being hopeful that things go wrong. Horrible.
So, in light of these possible changes, we have decided to postpone our FET for now. We were planning a November/December transfer, but because of the way things are going with S, we'd like to focus on her for now. It was a tough decision, but it's for the best in the long run. I just have to stay positive, which is especially hard when it seems to be a season of new pregnancies in my life at the moment. I don't begrudge anyone, I don't cry over it, but it's still difficult.
In other news, I went to an allergist yesterday because I've always wondered if I'm allergic to bees or wasps. I've never been stung, and since Derek and I spend a lot of time outdoors, I worried that I might be allergic, get stung in the middle of nowhere and have a reaction with no epi pen. The good news is I am not allergic to any local insect venoms. The bad news is I apparently have chronic environmental allergies and allergic rhinitis. The doc said I've likely had this since I was a child and it's caused my eczema (hands, feet and face), sporadic hives, and the keratosis pilaris I had as a teenager. It likely started with exposure to smoke and animals as a baby and child and my body became so used to it over the years ("chronic") that I no longer have the runny nose and itchy eyes. My nasal passages are inflamed, however, and my body is working in overdrive and has been for years. So my immune system is overloaded. Back to the immune system...huh. It's interesting how so many things come back to that; I'm almost 100% convinced it's linked to our fertility issues.
The game plan for now is to continue on my supplements (3,000 - 4,500 IU Omega-3, NAC, high folic prenatals, 5,000 - 10,000 IU liquid Vitamin D3 daily) and add daily sinus flushing with a Neti Pot and a pet free bedroom with a HEPA air filter and TTC naturally. I seem to get pregnant naturally once a year, so we have a while before anything happens, probably. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by all of this crap I have to do, but I at least have to give it a try, I suppose. Life, ack.
I arrived home this past Sunday and took Monday off, which was much needed. I slept for a blissful 13 hours Sunday night! Monday afternoon we went for a visit with S's part time foster mom to get an update on the little one, who has been back with her mom five days a week since the end of August. It sounds like things aren't going that well, unfortunately. It's a struggle for both Derek and I to not get a little bit excited about this - S is struggling right now, as is her mom, yet this means we might actually get her in to our home permanently. I feel like such a bad person for being hopeful that things go wrong. Horrible.
So, in light of these possible changes, we have decided to postpone our FET for now. We were planning a November/December transfer, but because of the way things are going with S, we'd like to focus on her for now. It was a tough decision, but it's for the best in the long run. I just have to stay positive, which is especially hard when it seems to be a season of new pregnancies in my life at the moment. I don't begrudge anyone, I don't cry over it, but it's still difficult.
In other news, I went to an allergist yesterday because I've always wondered if I'm allergic to bees or wasps. I've never been stung, and since Derek and I spend a lot of time outdoors, I worried that I might be allergic, get stung in the middle of nowhere and have a reaction with no epi pen. The good news is I am not allergic to any local insect venoms. The bad news is I apparently have chronic environmental allergies and allergic rhinitis. The doc said I've likely had this since I was a child and it's caused my eczema (hands, feet and face), sporadic hives, and the keratosis pilaris I had as a teenager. It likely started with exposure to smoke and animals as a baby and child and my body became so used to it over the years ("chronic") that I no longer have the runny nose and itchy eyes. My nasal passages are inflamed, however, and my body is working in overdrive and has been for years. So my immune system is overloaded. Back to the immune system...huh. It's interesting how so many things come back to that; I'm almost 100% convinced it's linked to our fertility issues.
The game plan for now is to continue on my supplements (3,000 - 4,500 IU Omega-3, NAC, high folic prenatals, 5,000 - 10,000 IU liquid Vitamin D3 daily) and add daily sinus flushing with a Neti Pot and a pet free bedroom with a HEPA air filter and TTC naturally. I seem to get pregnant naturally once a year, so we have a while before anything happens, probably. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by all of this crap I have to do, but I at least have to give it a try, I suppose. Life, ack.
Monday, September 17, 2012
The Immune System and Miscarriages
A fairly well known but often unexplored avenue for recurrent pregnancy loss is immune system and inflammation issues. There are thousands of articles and stacks of research on the connection, but few clinics, especially clinics in Canada, explore these issues. Rather, they run the standard RPL panel, which focuses more on issues that cause second trimester losses (such as clotting issues).
According to Reproductive Immunology Associates (http://www.rialab.com/miscarriages_prevented.php), up to 50% of repeat early losses are caused by immune factors, either autoimmune (female's body fighting itself) or alloimmune (immune response to the father's cells in the embryo). Unfortunately, many of the tests recommended for detecting these issues are not performed regularly in Canada, so we pay out of pocket to send it to the U.S.
In a cost saving effort, I went to my GP and asked her to order as many tests as possible locally. Luckily, she is very understanding and accommodating, and ordered exactly what I asked for, plus a few other factors such as Vitamin D (summary of it's use in miscarriage here) and iron, as well as a full thrombophilia panel (clotting issues). Everything came back within normal parameters, though my Vitamin D was low for TTC. Odd how I'm disappointed that everything is normal - I suppose I was hoping for an answer.
Next on the list of important tests is an NK Cell Assay. Dr. Beer describes Natural Killer cells: "The bulk of the cells detected that express CD56 on their surface have a particular function that accounts for their name, natural killer cell. This function is, of course, the ability to identify and then kill foreign or abnormal cells. Identification of the number and activity of these cells gives us an idea of the strength of this killing capacity." Basically, these cells kill foreign materials. If the body sees a pregnancy as 'foreign' and 'abnormal', it will attack the embryo and cause a miscarriage. Assessing the levels of these NK cells in the body can give a better indication of the likelihood that an overactive immune system is the cause of early pregnancy loss.
I'm checking with both Reprosource and Millenova for costs, but word is that we're looking at between $250 and $400 for this test, not including shipping in to the U.S. I would love to do this before I leave for University in (eek!) a week and a half but it's unlikely. We'll aim for the end of October and hope for a short turn around in time for our FET in November/December. Fingers crossed for a sticky pregnancy by year end!
According to Reproductive Immunology Associates (http://www.rialab.com/miscarriages_prevented.php), up to 50% of repeat early losses are caused by immune factors, either autoimmune (female's body fighting itself) or alloimmune (immune response to the father's cells in the embryo). Unfortunately, many of the tests recommended for detecting these issues are not performed regularly in Canada, so we pay out of pocket to send it to the U.S.
In a cost saving effort, I went to my GP and asked her to order as many tests as possible locally. Luckily, she is very understanding and accommodating, and ordered exactly what I asked for, plus a few other factors such as Vitamin D (summary of it's use in miscarriage here) and iron, as well as a full thrombophilia panel (clotting issues). Everything came back within normal parameters, though my Vitamin D was low for TTC. Odd how I'm disappointed that everything is normal - I suppose I was hoping for an answer.
Next on the list of important tests is an NK Cell Assay. Dr. Beer describes Natural Killer cells: "The bulk of the cells detected that express CD56 on their surface have a particular function that accounts for their name, natural killer cell. This function is, of course, the ability to identify and then kill foreign or abnormal cells. Identification of the number and activity of these cells gives us an idea of the strength of this killing capacity." Basically, these cells kill foreign materials. If the body sees a pregnancy as 'foreign' and 'abnormal', it will attack the embryo and cause a miscarriage. Assessing the levels of these NK cells in the body can give a better indication of the likelihood that an overactive immune system is the cause of early pregnancy loss.
I'm checking with both Reprosource and Millenova for costs, but word is that we're looking at between $250 and $400 for this test, not including shipping in to the U.S. I would love to do this before I leave for University in (eek!) a week and a half but it's unlikely. We'll aim for the end of October and hope for a short turn around in time for our FET in November/December. Fingers crossed for a sticky pregnancy by year end!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Another Loss
Apologies for not updating, but it's been a rough few days and we've been pretty busy at the same time.
I went in on Monday for another beta with hopes that I'd see something around 1000+, considering my decently rising betas from the previous draws. The lab tech butchered me (seriously, you should see my arms, I look like a junky because he couldn't get a vein) and in my possibly sticky pregnant lady obsession, I decided to go to the walk in clinic immediately after and ask for an ultrasound.
I went to the same clinic I went to on Saturday but saw a different doctor. Again, everyone was awesome (if you're looking for a good walk in in NW Calgary, I know a place!). He ordered an ultrasound and had the nurse phone around until she found me an appointment that day at 1 pm.
The spotting had stopped again for about 24 hours, and I had zero cramping, so I was still positive. But, when the ultrasound tech was doing the transvaginal and obviously wasn't focusing on one area (I couldn't see the screen), was asking me questions like "Have you actually had blood work to confirm?", and said to clean myself up and wait for the radiologist to come in and talk to me, I knew it was bad news.
He came in with my most recent lab work - my beta dropped to 120. He said there was nothing in the uterus, and as far as they could see, nothing in the tube. I am thankful it's not an ectopic, but of course, loss number six is hard to take. Those damn beta numbers made me way too hopeful when it's obvious something is wrong in there and I just can't hold on to a pregnancy.
I think, for my mental health (as well as Derek's), we are just going to prevent for a few months. As in, birth control and/or condoms. Every month we hope, every month we grieve, and then about once a year the hope/grieve cycle is about 1000 times worse and drags out for a few weeks. It's just too much.
In the meantime, we have started our adoption training seminars. Last night's topic was loss and grief. We did an exercise where we talked about our most recent loss (in general, not just related to infertility). Luckily, I was in a group with two other women so my tears were met with sympathy and hugs. It felt sort of nice to have that kind of support from total strangers, and to know I'm not alone in my sadness and sense of loss.
Having the adoption training to focus on and look forward to keeps us, especially me, going. It'll happen one day, we both know it, it'll just take perseverance and time.
I went in on Monday for another beta with hopes that I'd see something around 1000+, considering my decently rising betas from the previous draws. The lab tech butchered me (seriously, you should see my arms, I look like a junky because he couldn't get a vein) and in my possibly sticky pregnant lady obsession, I decided to go to the walk in clinic immediately after and ask for an ultrasound.
I went to the same clinic I went to on Saturday but saw a different doctor. Again, everyone was awesome (if you're looking for a good walk in in NW Calgary, I know a place!). He ordered an ultrasound and had the nurse phone around until she found me an appointment that day at 1 pm.
The spotting had stopped again for about 24 hours, and I had zero cramping, so I was still positive. But, when the ultrasound tech was doing the transvaginal and obviously wasn't focusing on one area (I couldn't see the screen), was asking me questions like "Have you actually had blood work to confirm?", and said to clean myself up and wait for the radiologist to come in and talk to me, I knew it was bad news.
He came in with my most recent lab work - my beta dropped to 120. He said there was nothing in the uterus, and as far as they could see, nothing in the tube. I am thankful it's not an ectopic, but of course, loss number six is hard to take. Those damn beta numbers made me way too hopeful when it's obvious something is wrong in there and I just can't hold on to a pregnancy.
I think, for my mental health (as well as Derek's), we are just going to prevent for a few months. As in, birth control and/or condoms. Every month we hope, every month we grieve, and then about once a year the hope/grieve cycle is about 1000 times worse and drags out for a few weeks. It's just too much.
In the meantime, we have started our adoption training seminars. Last night's topic was loss and grief. We did an exercise where we talked about our most recent loss (in general, not just related to infertility). Luckily, I was in a group with two other women so my tears were met with sympathy and hugs. It felt sort of nice to have that kind of support from total strangers, and to know I'm not alone in my sadness and sense of loss.
Having the adoption training to focus on and look forward to keeps us, especially me, going. It'll happen one day, we both know it, it'll just take perseverance and time.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Beta Number Four
I had what I would call light flow yesterday, and that combined with some mild right sided pain made me head to the walk in clinic yesterday evening. Normally, with a walk in clinic, you see a grumpy, overworked doctor who doesn't give you any answers. I was pleased to get the exact opposite!
The wait was a short 20 minutes and this grizzled white haired man in his 60's walks in to the room and asks what the problem is. I say 'I'm about five and a half weeks pregnant and bleeding....' Before I can go any further, he interrupts me with 'Bleeding is very common in pregnancy, blah, blah, the way we tell if a pregnancy is progressing normally is to draw blood tests for beta hcg every two days...'. I interrupted him this time and told him I had had multiple beta's done, including one on Monday and one on Friday, though I didn't have the results from Friday yet. He hops up and says 'Well, we can do something about that...follow me!' and led me to his office.
He pulled up my electronic chart and my beta on Friday was 449, with a doubling time of about 62 hours! He said that although I'm bleeding - which is very normal - the numbers look perfect and since I'm not having severe cramping, I should try to relax. He noted that we are not out of the woods yet, of course, but so far, so good. His exact words were 'If you were my daughter, I wouldn't be sleeping soundly until you passed 14 weeks'.
Just to recap, my beta's are:
August 13 - 8
August 18 - 41
August 20 - 158
August 24 - 449
Now I'm stuck trying to decide if I want to go in for another beta tomorrow, or just go in to see my GP on Tuesday and wait for an ultrasound later this week. These betas drive me crazy, but the next number will give me a better indication of viability. Or, we can continue on in happy bliss for another week until it either looks good on the ultrasound or it all comes crashing down. I'm also at risk for ectopic, so it might be worthwhile to keep an eye on my beta's ongoing just in case. Ugh, waiting and decisions, waiting and decisions....
The wait was a short 20 minutes and this grizzled white haired man in his 60's walks in to the room and asks what the problem is. I say 'I'm about five and a half weeks pregnant and bleeding....' Before I can go any further, he interrupts me with 'Bleeding is very common in pregnancy, blah, blah, the way we tell if a pregnancy is progressing normally is to draw blood tests for beta hcg every two days...'. I interrupted him this time and told him I had had multiple beta's done, including one on Monday and one on Friday, though I didn't have the results from Friday yet. He hops up and says 'Well, we can do something about that...follow me!' and led me to his office.
He pulled up my electronic chart and my beta on Friday was 449, with a doubling time of about 62 hours! He said that although I'm bleeding - which is very normal - the numbers look perfect and since I'm not having severe cramping, I should try to relax. He noted that we are not out of the woods yet, of course, but so far, so good. His exact words were 'If you were my daughter, I wouldn't be sleeping soundly until you passed 14 weeks'.
Just to recap, my beta's are:
August 13 - 8
August 18 - 41
August 20 - 158
August 24 - 449
Now I'm stuck trying to decide if I want to go in for another beta tomorrow, or just go in to see my GP on Tuesday and wait for an ultrasound later this week. These betas drive me crazy, but the next number will give me a better indication of viability. Or, we can continue on in happy bliss for another week until it either looks good on the ultrasound or it all comes crashing down. I'm also at risk for ectopic, so it might be worthwhile to keep an eye on my beta's ongoing just in case. Ugh, waiting and decisions, waiting and decisions....
Friday, August 24, 2012
20 DPO Beta
I went in for my 20 DPO beta and it came back at....158! So in two days, my beta jumped from 41 to 158, which is a doubling time of around 24 hours. 'They' look for a doubling time of 48 to 72 hours, so this made me a bit more optimistic. However, the number is still low for how far along I should be and we are doing a repeat today. Unfortunately, we won't get the results until Monday.
I did a CBE Digital with Conception Indicator yesterday evening after I got home from my work trip (I was out on a drilling rig all week) and it popped up as 2-3 weeks past conception (so 4 to 5 weeks pregnant) after a 2.5 hour hold, so my beta is still rising. My FRER this morning has the test line darker than the control. All good signs!
But, I'm spotting. I have been for seven days now. It comes and goes, and is enough that I need to wear a panty liner. It started as brown/tan, but about three days ago turned pink/red. I also have mild cramps, which I know are 100% normal as long as they don't get really bad. I am praying for a bleeding cyst or irritated cervix or something and that all is well.
When I call on Monday for my beta numbers I will line up an appointment with the doctor on Tuesday. I'm assuming she'll confirm pregnancy and then give me a requisition for an ultrasound.
Please, everyone, keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I know we have a lot of people doing that already, so all we ask as that you keep doing what you're doing!
I did a CBE Digital with Conception Indicator yesterday evening after I got home from my work trip (I was out on a drilling rig all week) and it popped up as 2-3 weeks past conception (so 4 to 5 weeks pregnant) after a 2.5 hour hold, so my beta is still rising. My FRER this morning has the test line darker than the control. All good signs!
But, I'm spotting. I have been for seven days now. It comes and goes, and is enough that I need to wear a panty liner. It started as brown/tan, but about three days ago turned pink/red. I also have mild cramps, which I know are 100% normal as long as they don't get really bad. I am praying for a bleeding cyst or irritated cervix or something and that all is well.
When I call on Monday for my beta numbers I will line up an appointment with the doctor on Tuesday. I'm assuming she'll confirm pregnancy and then give me a requisition for an ultrasound.
Please, everyone, keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I know we have a lot of people doing that already, so all we ask as that you keep doing what you're doing!
Monday, August 20, 2012
Update
My beta came back at 41 (at 18 DPO), which is really, really low. Too low to really think positive, if I'm completely honest with myself. We would have been looking for something between 200 and 300, but 41? No way.
I'll head in for another beta today and will try to post the results tomorrow some time. I'm heading out of town for work first thing tomorrow morning, returning on Thursday night. I'll go in for another beta on Friday and make sure the numbers start going down instead of up. Fingers crossed for a natural resolution to all this - I really don't want to have to take methotrexate or get a D&C!
Thank you everyone for all the support - my real life friends and family as well as my online friends. Derek and I are so, so lucky that we have such a wonderful support system in our lives. You are the reason we get through this!
I'll head in for another beta today and will try to post the results tomorrow some time. I'm heading out of town for work first thing tomorrow morning, returning on Thursday night. I'll go in for another beta on Friday and make sure the numbers start going down instead of up. Fingers crossed for a natural resolution to all this - I really don't want to have to take methotrexate or get a D&C!
Thank you everyone for all the support - my real life friends and family as well as my online friends. Derek and I are so, so lucky that we have such a wonderful support system in our lives. You are the reason we get through this!
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