The clinic called late yesterday afternoon and told me my number had only gone up to 229 from 180, a rise of only 21%. About three hours before they called, I started spotting, so I already knew it was over.
Thank you everyone for all your support and positive thoughts, but it looks like this one is coming to an end too. At this point, I am hoping for a quick natural miscarriage.
Going forward, we'll be making an appointment to see both our IVF doctor and the Repeat Pregnancy Loss doctor at the fertility clinic to discuss what the plan is going forward. On the positive side of this all, we will be doing more investigation to determine if there is something genetic going on with us, or if there is something going on in my uterus that is preventing good implantation. I'm glad we'll be doing this before the IVF rather then going through more heartbreak and big costs, though we have to be realistic, as there is only a 50% chance that we will find an answer.
For now, we're both dealing with this pretty well. It's obviously different for Derek because he isn't the one that's pregnant and it wasn't to the point of being real for him yet, but I'm sure he's sad about this too. Staying positive about the future is what keeps us going, and knowing that we have a good plan is reassuring.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
This must be a close approximation to hell
I'm sure if we all were in charge of creating our own personal hell when we die (if there is such a thing, or even an option), beta hell would be mine. Unfortunately, I'm living it out as we speak and it sucks!
My beta from Friday was 180, up from 100 on Wednesday, with a doubling time of 55.5 hours, which is pretty good. The call came at 8:15 this morning, after being up late at the movies (Horrible Bosses gets a 7 out of 10 from me), and finally falling asleep at 2 am. I LEAPED out of bed when my annoyingly loud ringer went off because I knew who it would be, and spoke with the nurse from the clinic. She was very neutral about it all and didn't give an opinion one way or another. The only thing is that when she said something about spotting and cramping, and I said I had had none, she sounded surprised. Not sure if that's good or bad.
I have no idea what this means. Vanishing twin syndrome? Ectopic? Slow starter or late implanter? Either way, the odds are still against us, but at least there are still odds.
I'm in for my fifth draw this afternoon and will hopefully have the results tomorrow. If it doubles again, I won't do another for at least a week. I need a break, and so do my veins.
I told Derek this morning over breakfast that we will go on believing this pregnancy is viable and try not to have any negative thoughts about it. He is to go back to calling it his little monkey and kissing my stomach goodnight, because no matter what the outcome is we love this little bean so much already and that's all we want it to feel.
My beta from Friday was 180, up from 100 on Wednesday, with a doubling time of 55.5 hours, which is pretty good. The call came at 8:15 this morning, after being up late at the movies (Horrible Bosses gets a 7 out of 10 from me), and finally falling asleep at 2 am. I LEAPED out of bed when my annoyingly loud ringer went off because I knew who it would be, and spoke with the nurse from the clinic. She was very neutral about it all and didn't give an opinion one way or another. The only thing is that when she said something about spotting and cramping, and I said I had had none, she sounded surprised. Not sure if that's good or bad.
I have no idea what this means. Vanishing twin syndrome? Ectopic? Slow starter or late implanter? Either way, the odds are still against us, but at least there are still odds.
I'm in for my fifth draw this afternoon and will hopefully have the results tomorrow. If it doubles again, I won't do another for at least a week. I need a break, and so do my veins.
I told Derek this morning over breakfast that we will go on believing this pregnancy is viable and try not to have any negative thoughts about it. He is to go back to calling it his little monkey and kissing my stomach goodnight, because no matter what the outcome is we love this little bean so much already and that's all we want it to feel.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Good news, bad news, and everything in between
This is a long awaited post that couldn't be made until I talked to certain family members first. So, sorry you've been out of the loop, but I'm finally updating!
First of all, my good news: I got accepted to University! I start the Masters of Arts in Environment and Management program at Royal Roads on September 5. It is a program for full time professionals that requires a lot of home study, three, three week residencies in Victoria, B.C., and a thesis. Apparently I blew them away with my Letter of Intent and they accepted me as a mature learner as I don't have an undergrad degree. We are SO excited! My first residency is the first three weeks of October.
Here is my in between news: the same day I got my acceptance letter, I found out I was pregnant. It was a total shock, of course, but we were thrilled! I hadn't been taking my temperature or using OPKs, so I had no idea when I ovulated. I had my sonohysterogram this cycle too, so I thought that may have delayed ovulation a bit, but maybe by two days, tops.
I called my GP and she asked me to go in for a beta, and after an agonizing three and a half day wait, we got the results - 24. I was definitely pregnant, but very early. It seemed low for how far along I thought I was, but again, I had no idea when I ovulated, and it was in range either way.
I called the fertility clinic immediately and they sent me in for a repeat, as well as putting me on progesterone and baby aspirin (for clotting). Three and a half days after my first beta, my numbers and gone up to 83. We started to get more excited, as the numbers were doubling properly, albeit still low.
Two days later I went in for another repeat. They called me first thing the next morning with crushing news. My beta only rose to 100 in two days, no where near normal. This was this past Wednesday, July 6th. I went in for a repeat yesterday, the 8th, and am still waiting for the results.
At this point, it's bad news. My numbers don't look good and this will likely result in my third miscarriage. I have no cramping or bleeding yet, but the progesterone could be delaying things. I'll know more when I get my fourth set of numbers.
It's always devastating to have a miscarriage, but it feels like the more it happens, the more numb you become. I have hardly cried this time, and I'm not sure why not. Maybe I expected it?
Let's finish this post with another piece of semi-good news, eh? Because this is my third loss, I am now considered a reoccurring pregnancy loss patient. I will now undergo a bunch of genetic and other testing before the IVF, as will Derek. If there is something wrong with either of us that makes our embryos non-viable, I'd rather know it now then after we spend thousands on a failed IVF.
I guess there is still a very small chance that this pregnancy will work out, so let's hold out for that for now. The proof is in the numbers. I'll update when I get the call.
First of all, my good news: I got accepted to University! I start the Masters of Arts in Environment and Management program at Royal Roads on September 5. It is a program for full time professionals that requires a lot of home study, three, three week residencies in Victoria, B.C., and a thesis. Apparently I blew them away with my Letter of Intent and they accepted me as a mature learner as I don't have an undergrad degree. We are SO excited! My first residency is the first three weeks of October.
Here is my in between news: the same day I got my acceptance letter, I found out I was pregnant. It was a total shock, of course, but we were thrilled! I hadn't been taking my temperature or using OPKs, so I had no idea when I ovulated. I had my sonohysterogram this cycle too, so I thought that may have delayed ovulation a bit, but maybe by two days, tops.
I called my GP and she asked me to go in for a beta, and after an agonizing three and a half day wait, we got the results - 24. I was definitely pregnant, but very early. It seemed low for how far along I thought I was, but again, I had no idea when I ovulated, and it was in range either way.
I called the fertility clinic immediately and they sent me in for a repeat, as well as putting me on progesterone and baby aspirin (for clotting). Three and a half days after my first beta, my numbers and gone up to 83. We started to get more excited, as the numbers were doubling properly, albeit still low.
Two days later I went in for another repeat. They called me first thing the next morning with crushing news. My beta only rose to 100 in two days, no where near normal. This was this past Wednesday, July 6th. I went in for a repeat yesterday, the 8th, and am still waiting for the results.
At this point, it's bad news. My numbers don't look good and this will likely result in my third miscarriage. I have no cramping or bleeding yet, but the progesterone could be delaying things. I'll know more when I get my fourth set of numbers.
It's always devastating to have a miscarriage, but it feels like the more it happens, the more numb you become. I have hardly cried this time, and I'm not sure why not. Maybe I expected it?
Let's finish this post with another piece of semi-good news, eh? Because this is my third loss, I am now considered a reoccurring pregnancy loss patient. I will now undergo a bunch of genetic and other testing before the IVF, as will Derek. If there is something wrong with either of us that makes our embryos non-viable, I'd rather know it now then after we spend thousands on a failed IVF.
I guess there is still a very small chance that this pregnancy will work out, so let's hold out for that for now. The proof is in the numbers. I'll update when I get the call.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Happy Father's Day
Although my husband never reads my blog, I want to wish him a happy Father's Day. We unfortunately do not have our own bundle of joy, but I know that when the time comes - and it will - he will be the most wonderful father to that lucky, lucky child.
Even though he doesn't say it, he's very emotionally invested in being a dad. Last night I was talking about a baby name I loved, and he then spent about 45 minutes going through baby name websites looking up names he liked. It was very touching, and reminded me that he's in this just as much as I am. It'll take the two of us to get through this.
Love you like a turtle loves a dove, Derek.
Even though he doesn't say it, he's very emotionally invested in being a dad. Last night I was talking about a baby name I loved, and he then spent about 45 minutes going through baby name websites looking up names he liked. It was very touching, and reminded me that he's in this just as much as I am. It'll take the two of us to get through this.
Love you like a turtle loves a dove, Derek.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
The Sonohysterogram
I am the type of person that likes to know all of the details before I make a decision or do something important. When it comes to work, I am the person that reads the entire manual, including the introduction and glossary. When I go to the dentist for a filling, I ask to see the x-rays, get a description of why he thinks I need the work done, and ask how it's going to be done. When I'm getting some sort of procedure done, like a Sonohysterogram, I Google it.
Search one: Sonohysterogram
Search two: Sonohysterogram procedure
Search three: Sonohysterogram pain
Search four: Sonohysterogram horrifying pain
Search five: Sonohysterogram death
Yeah, that's me.
So after scaring the crap out of myself, I followed the instructions for taking the preventative antibiotics, took the Naproxen two hours before the scheduled procedure, and also took some leftover Valium I had (from the dentist).
We arrived at the clinic early and waited for my turn to go in. Luckily for me (or was it unluckily?), they were on time and I was quickly escorted into the back on my own. Husbands, or anyone for that matter, aren't allowed to come in the room. I was led to a curtained off area and instructed to strip from the waist down and put on a paper robe. Once the room was set up, they led me in and asked me to get up on the table.
The nurses and doctors were great. They explained everything that was going to happen (they all do this at the fertility clinic - its awesome for someone like me that needs to know everything). The nurse started off with the dildo cam (yeah, that's not the right term for it, but it's more fun to say) and checked my lining, ovaries and follicles. Once that was done, two doctors came in to perform the Sonohysterogram.
The procedure starts with the insertion of a speculum and then they start to insert a catheter in through the cervix. This is where it always sucks for me. My cervix always seems to be in an odd position and has a curve in it. They always say 'this might pinch'. Hahaha, yeah... Once they slaughter my cervix and get the catheter through, they need to inflate this balloon on the catheter to ensure there is enough room for the saline to get through. This fucking hurt. A lot. And then, while I was already moaning in pain, they start to inject the saline. This really fucking hurt.
Guess what they did next, while I'm laying on the table trying to control my breathing? They put the dildo cam back in and started taking pictures, discussing what they saw on the screen that I couldn't see. All I heard was stuff like 'polyps', 'fibroid', 'what is that?' and similar scary things. The nurse did a great job of telling me I was doing a great job, and finally, after about five minutes, it was all over.
So, here's the thing - I have a two cm 'lesion' in my uterus, right next to some scar tissue that has caused a 'false passage', which is important to know for embryo placement (they won't stick to the scar tissue, so they need to avoid it during IVF). The lesion needs to be looked at and probably removed via hysteroscopy and D&C, so next week they'll schedule me in for surgery. This is similar to the surgery I had in April 2010 and I'll be going under (thank goodness).
Anyway, I think I'm one of the minority that has a painful experience with this procedure. Normally, it's a pretty basic procedure and is really not that bad. Maybe I'm just extra wussy, or maybe I'm just extra lucky and my body is constructed in a way that makes everything hurt worse then normal. Who knows?
I guess it's another bump in the road, but if I get in for the surgery relatively quickly, this shouldn't delay anything. It just sucks.
Damn, I hate infertility.
Search one: Sonohysterogram
Search two: Sonohysterogram procedure
Search three: Sonohysterogram pain
Search four: Sonohysterogram horrifying pain
Search five: Sonohysterogram death
Yeah, that's me.
So after scaring the crap out of myself, I followed the instructions for taking the preventative antibiotics, took the Naproxen two hours before the scheduled procedure, and also took some leftover Valium I had (from the dentist).
We arrived at the clinic early and waited for my turn to go in. Luckily for me (or was it unluckily?), they were on time and I was quickly escorted into the back on my own. Husbands, or anyone for that matter, aren't allowed to come in the room. I was led to a curtained off area and instructed to strip from the waist down and put on a paper robe. Once the room was set up, they led me in and asked me to get up on the table.
The nurses and doctors were great. They explained everything that was going to happen (they all do this at the fertility clinic - its awesome for someone like me that needs to know everything). The nurse started off with the dildo cam (yeah, that's not the right term for it, but it's more fun to say) and checked my lining, ovaries and follicles. Once that was done, two doctors came in to perform the Sonohysterogram.
The procedure starts with the insertion of a speculum and then they start to insert a catheter in through the cervix. This is where it always sucks for me. My cervix always seems to be in an odd position and has a curve in it. They always say 'this might pinch'. Hahaha, yeah... Once they slaughter my cervix and get the catheter through, they need to inflate this balloon on the catheter to ensure there is enough room for the saline to get through. This fucking hurt. A lot. And then, while I was already moaning in pain, they start to inject the saline. This really fucking hurt.
Guess what they did next, while I'm laying on the table trying to control my breathing? They put the dildo cam back in and started taking pictures, discussing what they saw on the screen that I couldn't see. All I heard was stuff like 'polyps', 'fibroid', 'what is that?' and similar scary things. The nurse did a great job of telling me I was doing a great job, and finally, after about five minutes, it was all over.
So, here's the thing - I have a two cm 'lesion' in my uterus, right next to some scar tissue that has caused a 'false passage', which is important to know for embryo placement (they won't stick to the scar tissue, so they need to avoid it during IVF). The lesion needs to be looked at and probably removed via hysteroscopy and D&C, so next week they'll schedule me in for surgery. This is similar to the surgery I had in April 2010 and I'll be going under (thank goodness).
Anyway, I think I'm one of the minority that has a painful experience with this procedure. Normally, it's a pretty basic procedure and is really not that bad. Maybe I'm just extra wussy, or maybe I'm just extra lucky and my body is constructed in a way that makes everything hurt worse then normal. Who knows?
I guess it's another bump in the road, but if I get in for the surgery relatively quickly, this shouldn't delay anything. It just sucks.
Damn, I hate infertility.
Friday, June 3, 2011
There must be a weird grieving process when it comes to infertility.
If there is a grieving process, I think I'm in the 'acceptance' phase. It's weird how time and diversions change your feelings about how much time you have left. What I mean is, there have been a few things that have come up that will delay the IVF a couple of months, but I think I'm ok with that. A few months ago, this would have devastated me.
Delay number one: I need to do a Sonohysterogram before they will register us for our two day IVF / Donor Program seminars, which are mandatory. The catch is that the next seminar is in July, today is Day 2 of my cycle, and they need to do the procedure on day 6 to 10 of my cycle, so we are cutting it close. It's hit and miss if they have room for the Sonohysterogram for any given person month to month, so I call on Cycle Day 1, and from there it's just a wait for a last minute call with an appointment. If I don't get in this month, we won't qualify for the July seminars. If we don't get in to the July seminars, the next ones aren't until September. I doubt we'll get in for July (I haven't heard back from the clinic since I called yesterday).
Delay number two: When I started my new job (which I LOVE!), they said that they'd prefer for me to start my Masters program in January rather then September because September will be very busy with big, big projects kicking off that I will be fully involved in. So, I called the University to get my dates changed around only to be told that they will not be offering the January class any more. So it's September, or September. I have no choice, and my boss indicated today that we will just have to figure things out. The thing is, I have a three week residency in October, and certainly can't take my medications / injections while I'm there, not to mention the monitoring that has to happen. That pushes us to November to start everything.
Another thing: our closest couple friends are pregnant. She had told me she wasn't 'ready to give up her freedom' but apparently she was, because she's eight weeks. Everyone around me is pregnant right now.
I think I'm ok with this. I've been really busy so far this summer - time in Penticton, B.C., cycling with the team, a half marathon last weekend, another half scheduled for July, family reunion on the coast in August - I'm too busy to process and / or cry right now. Is this a good thing? Or am I just holding it all in and heading for disaster? Guess we'll see.
Delay number one: I need to do a Sonohysterogram before they will register us for our two day IVF / Donor Program seminars, which are mandatory. The catch is that the next seminar is in July, today is Day 2 of my cycle, and they need to do the procedure on day 6 to 10 of my cycle, so we are cutting it close. It's hit and miss if they have room for the Sonohysterogram for any given person month to month, so I call on Cycle Day 1, and from there it's just a wait for a last minute call with an appointment. If I don't get in this month, we won't qualify for the July seminars. If we don't get in to the July seminars, the next ones aren't until September. I doubt we'll get in for July (I haven't heard back from the clinic since I called yesterday).
Delay number two: When I started my new job (which I LOVE!), they said that they'd prefer for me to start my Masters program in January rather then September because September will be very busy with big, big projects kicking off that I will be fully involved in. So, I called the University to get my dates changed around only to be told that they will not be offering the January class any more. So it's September, or September. I have no choice, and my boss indicated today that we will just have to figure things out. The thing is, I have a three week residency in October, and certainly can't take my medications / injections while I'm there, not to mention the monitoring that has to happen. That pushes us to November to start everything.
Another thing: our closest couple friends are pregnant. She had told me she wasn't 'ready to give up her freedom' but apparently she was, because she's eight weeks. Everyone around me is pregnant right now.
I think I'm ok with this. I've been really busy so far this summer - time in Penticton, B.C., cycling with the team, a half marathon last weekend, another half scheduled for July, family reunion on the coast in August - I'm too busy to process and / or cry right now. Is this a good thing? Or am I just holding it all in and heading for disaster? Guess we'll see.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Packing up and moving on.
Perspective and hormones seem to dictate how easy or hard it is for me to move on. I've had two 'moving on' events in my life recently: a new job, and the final step in taking the summer off from trying to conceive.
Last month I said I'd be packing up all of my pregnancy tests and getting rid of all the used ones I kept (weird, I know) and it took me a full four weeks to feel like I was ready to do it. About a week ago, I finally started gathering up all of my pregnancy tests scattered around the house and threw them out. It was sort of liberating in a way, and I didn't cry. I was ready for this step, mostly because I've finally come to terms with taking the summer off, and also because I know this isn't the end.
This is one month of pregnancy tests. There has to be at least $150 worth in there, and this isn't including all of my cheapy internet strips, nor the ones I had already thrown out. Sad, isn't it? Sadder still that I took a pregnancy test right after gathering these all up, just in case.
In other 'moving on' news, I started my new job this past Tuesday. So far, it's awesome and a bit scary. Apparently they think I know what I'm doing and that I'll be a superstar, so it'll be a busy few months.
Another update will be coming soon - I talked to the nurse at the Fertility Clinic today about donating eggs to my sister at the same time as we do our IVF. It's a go! I'm just waiting for the information packet and I'll outline the process. The only bad news is that it sounds like we may be waiting a bit longer just because of scheduling for all of the stuff we have to do to prepare for it, so the IVF(s) might not happen until October or November. Fingers crossed for Christmas babies!
Last month I said I'd be packing up all of my pregnancy tests and getting rid of all the used ones I kept (weird, I know) and it took me a full four weeks to feel like I was ready to do it. About a week ago, I finally started gathering up all of my pregnancy tests scattered around the house and threw them out. It was sort of liberating in a way, and I didn't cry. I was ready for this step, mostly because I've finally come to terms with taking the summer off, and also because I know this isn't the end.
This is one month of pregnancy tests. There has to be at least $150 worth in there, and this isn't including all of my cheapy internet strips, nor the ones I had already thrown out. Sad, isn't it? Sadder still that I took a pregnancy test right after gathering these all up, just in case.
In other 'moving on' news, I started my new job this past Tuesday. So far, it's awesome and a bit scary. Apparently they think I know what I'm doing and that I'll be a superstar, so it'll be a busy few months.
Another update will be coming soon - I talked to the nurse at the Fertility Clinic today about donating eggs to my sister at the same time as we do our IVF. It's a go! I'm just waiting for the information packet and I'll outline the process. The only bad news is that it sounds like we may be waiting a bit longer just because of scheduling for all of the stuff we have to do to prepare for it, so the IVF(s) might not happen until October or November. Fingers crossed for Christmas babies!
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