Moving forward - September can't come soon enough!

We are booked in and have a schedule for the next few months! The seminar/appointments take place on September 21 and 22.

September 21 from 7 pm to 9 pm we have a seminar on what exactly will happen, including drugs, egg retrieval, fertilization and transfer for both of us.

September 22 is full of appointments:

8:30 am to 9:30 am: Psychologist

10:00 am: I have an ultrasound / Lara has an ultrasound and sonohysterogram (don’t read my post about my sonohysterogram Lara!)

10:00 am and 10:15 am: Semen Analysis for the guys

2:00 pm: Meet with our primary doctor, Dr. Scott, and our awesome nurse Kathy to do a final discussion

Lara will be starting her mock cycle the same week to test her response over about seven or eight weeks. She’ll be on Suprefact, Estrace (estrogen) and Prometrium (progesterone) and has an ultrasound 14 days after starting the Estrace to check her lining.

If all goes well, we will be starting to cycle at the end of November or beginning of December. The clinic is closed for ten days over Christmas, so fingers crossed our cycle falls outside of those days or we’ll have to delay to January.

I guess it's never the final chapter when you call it the final chapter.

I had thought the end would come with the methtrexate shot. Boy, was I wrong.

On Wednesday, July 20, I had the methtrexte shot to induce miscarriage of an embryo that wasn't developing properly. They couldn't find it in my uterus, and also didn't see anything in my tubes. We thought this was the end.

On Sunday, July 24, Derek and I headed out to a road race (cycling) that Derek was participating in. Around 8:30 am, I started experiencing moderate pain on my left side. I took a couple of Tylenol, but it didn't really make a difference. By the time the race was done, around 11:30 am, the pain had increased to the point that I sort of started to worry. We were an hour out of town and I made the decision to come home and go to the hospital.

Half way home, I had a flash of hot pain in the left side of my back, which really scared me, so we headed to the nearest town - Okotoks - and I went to the ER. The on call doctor felt around my abdomen, said he didn't feel any free fluid, gave me a form for an ultrasound and a prescription for painkillers and sent me home. I didn't feel comfortable with this at all, so I called the fertility clinic.

After a discussion with my doctor, we decided to wait until the following day, a Monday, for me to come in extra early and she'd do a blood test and an ultrasound. I arrived at 7:00 am and she finally saw something - on my left tube. Just 'something'. I went for the blood test and then headed for work, still in moderate pain.

Tuesday morning I again went to work, loaded up on pain medication, and waited for them to call. My parents were arriving that afternoon and we were to head out for a family vacation the next day, on Wednesday. I went home at noon and gave mom and dad a bit of an update about what was happening.

At 2:00 the clinic called. Between the previous Wednesday, when I'd had the shot, and Monday, my numbers increased from about 2100 to over 2900. Something was wrong, and the clinic asked me to come in immediately.

The doctor performed another ultrasound and finally, finally, found the mass. It was on my left tube and was about 2.5 cm. We discussed the options - another shot, or surgery - and I opted for surgery. There was still a big risk of rupture, and the risk of repeat ectopics after one is high, so removing the tube is the best way to get rid of that risk. So, mom, dad and I headed across the street to the hospital ER and checked in. Derek met us a few hours later and won husband of the year award for bringing me comfortable clothes, my iPad, facewash and lotion, and fuzzy socks.

The pain gradually grew worse and they put me on a morphine drip. At the time, I thought I was totally unaffected by it and coherent. In retrospect, I was nicely high. Good times! I forced the family out around 8:30 and waited for something to happen. Around 10:00 pm, my dear sister called the ward desk and I went up front to take the call. As I was standing there wobbling back and forth, I felt a sharp pain. I told my sister I had to go lie down and went back to my bed. The sharp pains seemed to be getting worse, even through the morphine. I could feel it spreading across to the right side and up to my diaphram. I was just about to call the nurse when she came in to let me know they were ready for me in the OR.

Surgery began around 11:00 pm and I remember looking at the clock in my room at 2:30 am or so. After a broken sleep due to vitals checks every 15 minutes, I woke up around 7:00 am. I was able to go to the washroom and walk up and down the hall by 8:00, so called Derek to come around 9:30.

The surgeon came by and said the surgery had gone well - the ectopic had ruptured, which must have been the pain I felt, and they removed my left tube. The left ovary looked good, as did my right tube and ovary. I had three incisions - in the belly button and two inch long incisions on the left lower abdomen. It was done. Finally.

I was well enough (or hopped up on enough drugs) to head out for the family vacation on Thursday, which was much needed. The worst part was that my family cracks me up, especially my dad, and laughing hurt. A lot.

We got home last night and I was back to work today (actually, I was in a course, but back to a regular schedule anyhow), and I feel ok. Still tender and sore, but totally tolerable.

I am thankful for a lot of things - my parents and husband taking care of me, that I wasn't at home when it ruptured, that I only lost the tube and not the ovary, that we can still stick to our IVF schedule, and that I have had time to heal before going back to work. I am still terrified of doing the IVF only to succeed and fail again, but I think I have to give it a shot. It just has to work this time, a person can only take so much.

Next step is Day 3 blood tests when my cycle returns, and the IVF/Egg Donor seminar in late September. Can't wait!

The final chapter...finally

I had blood drawn for another beta yesterday morning and received the call from the nurse at around 8 pm last night, which was worrisome in itself because it's way outside their normal business hours. My number increased from 494 to 1955 in six days. The beta is high enough at this point that if there were anything viable in the uterus, they would have seen it. She asked me to come in again this morning, and was again very adamant that if I have any pain, especially on one side or the other, I was to go to the emergency room immediately.

I had some severe cramping (exactly like period cramps and not on one side or the other) for a couple of hours around dinner time last night, and started bleeding bright red. The cramps and bleeding tappered off around 7 pm (just before she called) and I got a decent sleep, thankfully. I arrived at the clinic this morning shortly after 9 am and they sent me right to the clinic for another beta and a bunch of labs for liver function. The purpose of the liver function tests was that if my beta had continued to increase, I'd have to go in for a methotexrate shot to stop the development of whatever it is, wherever it is, and the shot can harm poorly functioning livers.

Unfortunately, my beta this morning increased to 2100, so we have an appointment this evening at 6:30 at the hospital to get the shot.

Just to clear up some confusion about why I am getting the shot even though it seems like something is developing still, I'll try to explain a few things. In a normal pregnancy, the beta will go up about 66% every 48 to 72 hours for the first few weeks. 85% of women follow this guideline, but 15% do not. I was close for a few of my beta's, which is why I held on to the hope that I was part of that 15%. My initial beta of 24 at about 13 days past ovulation was low, but you have to start somewhere, and I was hoping it just implanted late. I also didn't know the exact date of ovulation, so I could have been even earlier, and there the justification for my low numbers began.

So, my numbers would almost double, not double, almost double, not double, etc., but keep going up. However, they weren't going up fast enough. My beta yesterday of 1955 was taken on a day where I was at very earliest (according to my justifications) six weeks two days pregnant, and at latest, six weeks six days pregnant. The normal beta range for six weeks zero days is between 1080 and 56,500 mIU. I was in range, but barely.

After my beta this morning of 2100, things were essentially confirmed. A rise of only 150-ish in 24 hours is a failed pregnancy.

I have no question that this isn't viable at this point. If I stop trying to justify everything and make my numbers work, I'd be seven weeks today, and nothing is supporting that - beta numbers or ultrasound.

The good news is that this chapter is finally coming to a close and the next chapter is beginning. We are still on the list for the September IVF / Donor Egg seminars which means we're still on schedule for a December / January IVF. This threw a wrench in to the machine, but luckily it wasn't a big wrench.

Still on the roller coaster

Just a quick update from the last post - unfortunately, my hopes were once again recharged following my sixth beta. Three days after my poor beta of 229, I had a repeat and was shocked to hear that it had increased to 494! Hope springs eternal and all that!

I received the results last Friday and we were cautiously optomistic all weekend. I purchased a CBE with Conception Indicator pregnancy test the afternoon I received these awesome results and it showed that I was 2 - 3 weeks pregnant, which was low for where I was in the pregnancy according to my last period, but I justified the numbers away and hoped for the best.

On Monday (yesterday), I took yet another CBE with Conception Indicator and it had jumped to 3+ weeks pregnant! My beta was going up! According to some random information I found online, for the test to read 3+ weeks, my beta would have to be over 1000 or so. Exciting! I was hopeful that we might actually see a little bean on my ultrasound this morning.

But, it was not to be. While we did get the good news that they didn't see anything in my tubes, and therefore my risk for ectopic was 'very low', we also didn't see anything in my uterus. Based upon my chart, which shows when we had sex and when I got my first positive pregnancy test, the earliest I could be is about 6 weeks, 2 days, and the clinic has me down as 6 weeks, 6 days. Either way, there should have been something. All they saw was a nice thick endometrium and that's it.

The doctor sent me for another beta and I should have the results by the end of today, but of course, when I finally got to work around noon, I started cramping and finally started spotting red. I think it's finally over and the numbers from this morning will prove it.

Being on this emotional roller coaster has caused so much stress for me, Derek and our families (especially my sister Lara, who is waiting for me to donate eggs to her - this puts her life on hold as well) that I'll be thankful to conclude this chapter in our lives.

It's officially loss number three

The clinic called late yesterday afternoon and told me my number had only gone up to 229 from 180, a rise of only 21%. About three hours before they called, I started spotting, so I already knew it was over.

Thank you everyone for all your support and positive thoughts, but it looks like this one is coming to an end too. At this point, I am hoping for a quick natural miscarriage.

Going forward, we'll be making an appointment to see both our IVF doctor and the Repeat Pregnancy Loss doctor at the fertility clinic to discuss what the plan is going forward. On the positive side of this all, we will be doing more investigation to determine if there is something genetic going on with us, or if there is something going on in my uterus that is preventing good implantation. I'm glad we'll be doing this before the IVF rather then going through more heartbreak and big costs, though we have to be realistic, as there is only a 50% chance that we will find an answer.

For now, we're both dealing with this pretty well. It's obviously different for Derek because he isn't the one that's pregnant and it wasn't to the point of being real for him yet, but I'm sure he's sad about this too. Staying positive about the future is what keeps us going, and knowing that we have a good plan is reassuring.

This must be a close approximation to hell

I'm sure if we all were in charge of creating our own personal hell when we die (if there is such a thing, or even an option), beta hell would be mine. Unfortunately, I'm living it out as we speak and it sucks!

My beta from Friday was 180, up from 100 on Wednesday, with a doubling time of 55.5 hours, which is pretty good. The call came at 8:15 this morning, after being up late at the movies (Horrible Bosses gets a 7 out of 10 from me), and finally falling asleep at 2 am. I LEAPED out of bed when my annoyingly loud ringer went off because I knew who it would be, and spoke with the nurse from the clinic. She was very neutral about it all and didn't give an opinion one way or another. The only thing is that when she said something about spotting and cramping, and I said I had had none, she sounded surprised. Not sure if that's good or bad.

I have no idea what this means. Vanishing twin syndrome? Ectopic? Slow starter or late implanter? Either way, the odds are still against us, but at least there are still odds.

I'm in for my fifth draw this afternoon and will hopefully have the results tomorrow. If it doubles again, I won't do another for at least a week. I need a break, and so do my veins.

I told Derek this morning over breakfast that we will go on believing this pregnancy is viable and try not to have any negative thoughts about it. He is to go back to calling it his little monkey and kissing my stomach goodnight, because no matter what the outcome is we love this little bean so much already and that's all we want it to feel.

Good news, bad news, and everything in between

This is a long awaited post that couldn't be made until I talked to certain family members first. So, sorry you've been out of the loop, but I'm finally updating!

First of all, my good news: I got accepted to University! I start the Masters of Arts in Environment and Management program at Royal Roads on September 5. It is a program for full time professionals that requires a lot of home study, three, three week residencies in Victoria, B.C., and a thesis. Apparently I blew them away with my Letter of Intent and they accepted me as a mature learner as I don't have an undergrad degree. We are SO excited! My first residency is the first three weeks of October.

Here is my in between news: the same day I got my acceptance letter, I found out I was pregnant. It was a total shock, of course, but we were thrilled! I hadn't been taking my temperature or using OPKs, so I had no idea when I ovulated. I had my sonohysterogram this cycle too, so I thought that may have delayed ovulation a bit, but maybe by two days, tops.

I called my GP and she asked me to go in for a beta, and after an agonizing three and a half day wait, we got the results - 24. I was definitely pregnant, but very early. It seemed low for how far along I thought I was, but again, I had no idea when I ovulated, and it was in range either way.

I called the fertility clinic immediately and they sent me in for a repeat, as well as putting me on progesterone and baby aspirin (for clotting). Three and a half days after my first beta, my numbers and gone up to 83. We started to get more excited, as the numbers were doubling properly, albeit still low.

Two days later I went in for another repeat. They called me first thing the next morning with crushing news. My beta only rose to 100 in two days, no where near normal. This was this past Wednesday, July 6th. I went in for a repeat yesterday, the 8th, and am still waiting for the results.

At this point, it's bad news. My numbers don't look good and this will likely result in my third miscarriage. I have no cramping or bleeding yet, but the progesterone could be delaying things. I'll know more when I get my fourth set of numbers.

It's always devastating to have a miscarriage, but it feels like the more it happens, the more numb you become. I have hardly cried this time, and I'm not sure why not. Maybe I expected it?

Let's finish this post with another piece of semi-good news, eh? Because this is my third loss, I am now considered a reoccurring pregnancy loss patient. I will now undergo a bunch of genetic and other testing before the IVF, as will Derek. If there is something wrong with either of us that makes our embryos non-viable, I'd rather know it now then after we spend thousands on a failed IVF.

I guess there is still a very small chance that this pregnancy will work out, so let's hold out for that for now. The proof is in the numbers. I'll update when I get the call.