Just mussing on paper....
Today, during my lunch break, I went to the pharmacy and bought OPK's ($60!) and Instead Cups. Why do I do this to myself? What makes me want to try again and again, with no positive results? Is that not the perfect definition of insanity? I know I'm setting myself up for a stressful month, but I can't help it. I mean really, if we do everything exactly right, why shouldn't this work?
I read a study earlier today that said that a couple with 'unexplained' infertility has a 30% - 60% chance of conceiving within three years. Seems pretty high, right? But three years is a loooooong time, and that's just the chance of conceiving, not live births (hey, that's me!). It's things like that, though, that keep me on the fence about everything. On one hand, I just want to call the clinic today and say 'sign me up for an IVF next month, let's try this again and bring out the big guns!', but then on the other hand, it's just.so.hard. It's a lot of work (and money) for minimal rates of success. And really, we have a good reason to wait to do anything right now (see my last post), but I don't wanna wait. Why can't life just work out the way you want it to?
I've been reflecting on two things related to infertility lately. The first is that the last (almost) six years of infertility, TTC, treatments, losses, etc., have taught me patience. Sounds crazy considering I just wrote about how I don't wanna wait right now, but it's true. All we do is wait when it comes to this stuff. Wait to ovulate, wait to take a pregnancy test, wait to do blood tests, wait to do surgeries, wait for the next beta, wait to get the call for our IVF cycle, and on and on. It's been difficult, but I think patience is something that is valuable, and I'm glad my capacity for patience has grown.
The second thing is that I feel like such a horrible person for sometimes hoping that other women/couples get to experience a small touch of what we've gone through. I don't know why, but I feel like people might be able to empathize a teeny bit more if they go through a small slice of this. I'm such a jerk, I know. Can't help it though, and I'm not really sure what to add to this statement. I guess I have some more self-reflection to do here, but my gut reaction is that this feeling comes from a place of jealousy on my part.
Anyway, we had a wonderful weekend with S. I met her mom for the first time and saw what type of home she lives in. I think of S all the time - I find myself thinking of life milestones she will go through and how we can help her and give her advice. I think of the things I might say to make sure she remains a strong, self-confident girl, I look at clothes in her size and imagine the types of clothes I might buy for her if she was with us. I think of the bike we want to get for her and how we'd decorate her room. And then I try to make myself stop thinking about it because I can't let myself go too far down that path in case it doesn't work out.
Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off.
