Dealing with family babies when you're dealing with infertility

I come from a family of three girls. I am the oldest, and the other two are in their early and mid-20's, both married. My middle sister, as you know, also has infertility issues which were caused by cancer treatments for Hodgkin's Disease when she was a teenager (she had it twice, but has thankfully been in remission for about ten years now). My youngest sister was diagnosed with endometriosis in December 2010 and her doctor recommended that she get pregnant. I know this is one of the 'solutions' for endo, but I was a little WTF? when I heard this.

Anyhow, she went off birth control and got pregnant her first month off the pill. I would never wish infertility on anyone, but at the same time, I was jealous and felt like it was unfair. I found out she was pregnant while I was going through my second of three failed IUI's. I was very emotional and didn't handle it well, though I know her intentions with the way she told me were good. It was just very hard for me, as I'm sure it is for many infertile couples who have friends and family around them having babies, often more than one, while they remain childless.

Leah was born on September 25, ten days after my birthday. I got regular updates during the birth from my parents and saw pictures within a few minutes (the miracle of technology!). Even after her birth, while I was happy for my sister and her husband, I was still somewhat thankful that we lived so far away from each other and I was able to avoid a face to face situation. However, Christmas arrived and Derek and I were heading home for an early Christmas with my family.

I am in a good place right now emotionally, so felt prepared. My other sister told me she had cried when she held Leah the first time, and my mom told me 'when you look at Leah, you will see what your children will look like.' This scared me. How will I react? Will this Christmas be a horrible emotional drain on me? Am I going to devastate my sister? Am I even going to be able to hold her?

When I held Leah for the first time, and every time after that, I was in love. I felt exactly what a happy aunt should feel: love, pride, hope, joy, happiness. She's my little niece, and she fell asleep while I rocked her and she slept on my chest. I look forward to watching her grow up, amaze me with how smart she is, how kind she is, how funny she is. I can't wait for her to drive her mom crazy and call me asking if she can come visit because I'm the fun, cool aunt that takes her skiing and hiking.

And I can't wait to give her a cousin.

They're putting my sister on Viagra

My sister's last ultrasound did not bring good news. Her lining had only thickened to 5 mm, far below what they like to see. So, we're on to the next protocol.

Interestingly enough, the standard prescription for men with erectile disfunction also works for women with issues related to thin uterine lining. Viagra works by improving blood flow - like it does to the penis - and therefore facilitates better transfer of estrogen to the uterus. This makes total sense for Lara's situation. She has not had a period in over ten years, and I know that the body, over time, will reduce blood flow to areas of the body it is no longer using. The veins and vessels will retract and shorten, and her uterus, which hasn't been in use for over a decade, minimizes the amount of blood flow. The body is amazingly efficient!

Going forward, Lara has started taking progesterone to bring on a period and shed what lining she built up. She will be going on a combined estrogen patch and pill protocol, along with the Viagra. If this works out, her first ultrasound to measure her lining is on January 3.

Another bump in the road, but at least we're making progress! I'd much rather we figure this stuff out now then later, when we're in to the big bucks.

In other news, Derek and I leave next Sunday (the 18th) to drive up north to see my family and meet my new niece for the first time. I can't wait to see my family!

Mock Mock Cycles

(Only my family will get that title!)

So we're still in a bit of a holding pattern at the moment. As I mentioned in September, my sister has to do two mock cycles to see how she responds to the protocol they have her on. Basically, they're forcing her uterus to go through a menstural cycle, but without the ovulation bit. So they give her estrogen to build up the lining, and then once it gets nice and thick, they give her progesterone so she gets her period.

Unfortunately, through a series of miscommunications, her first mock cycle in October was a complete bust. There was a mix up in dosing instructions somewhere between the clinic and the pharmacy, and Lara ended up taking progesterone during the first half of her cycle, which she isn't supposed to do. She did build up a nice lining eventually, but the test results weren't going to be representative, so we had to start all over again.

Her second first mock cycle started almost three weeks ago. She had her first ultrasound last week, and after two weeks on Estrace, her lining was only at 4.4 mm with a barely there triple stripe (trilaminar). They like to see 7 mm or more, and a clear triple stripe, for an embryo transfer. So, she's continued on 6 mg of Estrace for the last week and has another ultrasound today. Hopefully her lining is developing well and we can move on to the second mock cycle. If it's not doing so well, they're going to try a different protocol and we have to start all over AGAIN! So much waiting. Fingers crossed for a good ultrasound!

By the way, my baby fever has lately kicked in to overdrive. I am surrounded by pregnant women and babies right now, and my craving for one of my own is sometimes overpowering. It's doubly hard because Derek and I are preventing right now in preparation for the IVF and it feels so weird. I guess it gets rid of the stress of the TWW, which is nice, but it still makes me a bit sad that we are losing time.

Murphy's Law

My uterus is a textbook uterus. I have 44 cycles recorded now, and they are almost always 28 days (I'm talking 39 out of 44 cycles are 28 days, not including my two pregnancy cycles), where I ovulate on day 14, and get my period at 14 days past ovulation. I do have some slight variation in O day, but never do I go longer then 28 days unless it's been one of my pregnancy cycles.

So yesterday, at 14 DPO, I was expecting my period. I had been cramping on and off for a few days and was convinced it was on it's way. Every time I went to the bathroom I checked the toilet paper. Nothing. Not a hint of pink at all. Then, by early afternoon, my cramps were gone. Hmmm, thought I, this is a bit interesting...could it be? This would be an interesting surprise!

Evening comes and still no AF. Bedtime comes, and nothing. I think, 'It'll surely come over night'. I wake up at about 1 am to go pee. Check the toilet paper. Nothing. Hm.

So, this morning I wake up on 15 DPO, my period a day late and my hopes high. It's time to test! I'm up a half hour before Derek so I pee in a cup (need to use first morning urine!) and have a shower. Finally, Derek is awake, and I tell him what's going on.

"I'm late. I'm taking a test."

He says, "Wait one more day."

"No way," says I, "there is no way in hell I can wait one more day, are you kidding me?"

I grab an FRER and dip, holding it in until I can see it start to progress across the window. I cap it and set it on the counter and continue to do my hair. I try not to look at it, but I can see it out of the corner of my eye. Don't look! Wait a few minutes! I last all of two minutes and grab the stick.

Nothing.

Maybe I should just wait a bit longer. I let it sit for another three minutes and check again.

Nothing.

B.F.N.


What the deuce, body? What's going on here? I have a very pretty chart, I have a clear thermal shift in my temperatures, I ovulated 15 days ago, and no BFP? GFY, jerk!

Almost 8 pm on 15 DPO and still nothing. Maybe I'm going through menopause.

A little of this and a little of that

Wow, it's hard to believe it's been over a month since I've updated! I've been so busy with school and work that I hardly had time to think about TTC, let alone post.

I left home for Victoria, B.C. on October 1 for the first three week residency of my Masters program. The pre-residency course work was a stuggle, especially Economics, so I was apprehensive and maybe a little bit scared. Long, long days (sometimes 15+ hours) and spending the weekends working on group assignments left me with little time or energy to stress about the upcoming IVF, which was actually sort of nice. Sometimes we get so wraped up in this whole TTC mess that we forget there are other things to focus on, which is why I'm happy with my decision to keep living my life while we're waiting for our family to happen.

One of the best things about my three weeks away was the people I met. It's nice to be around people who have similar goals to me, people who I can relate too, even if we work in different industries. When I started this program, I had decided that if we do the IVF this January, I would take a year off from the program and skip the next October residency. Now, I wonder if that's really such a good idea. A month ago I was struggling with the decision to donate all my best eggs to Lara, but the last three weeks has really helped me to the realize that it might actually work out for the best if we do it this way. Of course, if I am a great producer and there are lots of good ones left, we'll still give it a shot on our own, but if that doesn't happen, I'm now at peace with it. I'd like to think that we'd try IVF on our own again in April or May, but I guess we'll have to see where life takes us.

So, back to the current IVF/Donor cycle - Lara is in to her third week of estrogen/progesterone and her lining is growing very slowly. Last week she was at 4 mm and this week she's at 7 mm. Both ultrasounds showed she had a triple stripe (this is something you want), and it's good to see her body is working the way it should. They've upped her dosages (Lara: "Now I have to shove the pills you know where! OMG!") and once she hits about 10 mm, they'll let her shed then go for one more mock cycle. Things are starting to get exciting!

IVF Shared Cycling - Part III

Our last appointment for the day was with our doctor and nurse. They met with us separately and the whole process took about two hours.

Our original and agreed upon plan was to split whatever we got 50/50, or biased in our favour if we ended up with an odd number of eggs. What we didn't realize is that there are three different types of eggs you can pull from a follicle: mature, borderline and immature. I think I mentioned these earlier, and perhaps mentioned that about 70% of mature eggs fertilize, 40% of borderline eggs fertilize, and immature eggs are destroyed. Let's just think about the mature eggs because those are really the only ones that count. Of those 70% that fertilize, about 70% of those make it to a good quality embryo on day 3. So if you start with six eggs, you end up with three or four high quality embryos, of which you would transfer two and freeze whatever is left. Around 70% make it through the freeze thaw cycle, so there is a chance you can lose these ones too.

The doc thinks I will probably produce six to eight mature eggs, and a number of borderline eggs. If this was not a shared cycle, we'd have plenty to go around. But it is shared, so we had to decide who gets all the good ones.

The point the doctor made was that if I get pregnant with this cycle, Lara has to wait upwards of two years before I can cycle again (after I have the baby and breastfeed), while I only have to wait two months. Thinking of it that way, the doctor suggested that Lara be the primary, and therefore, she gets all the best eggs first. The number she threw out there is six mature eggs. Lara and Roland get six of however many mature eggs I produce, and we get the rest, giving them the best chance at a successful pregnancy. So, if I produce eight mature and four immature, we end up with two mature, and four immature after they take their guaranteed portion.

Over the last few days Derek and I have discussed this, and I've done some soul searching, and I think this is the right thing to do. I think I am ok with waiting a few extra months if I need to, whereas Lara told me that they'd pursue other options if they can't use me. I'd like to give them the best shot at using Lara's genetic material first.

So, we just have to figure out the details, put it down on paper, have it witnessed, and send it to the clinic. Getting it on paper prevents two very hormonal women (remember all the medication we're on!) from getting in to a fist fight after egg retrieval if anyone should change her mind (and I'd totally win, by the way).

Just to wrap up, Lara got her prescriptions for her mock cycles (she has to do two) and starts October 4th when her and Roland get back from Jamaica (lucky jerks!). She'll be on Estrace (estrogen) and Prometrium (progesterone) to simulate a normal cycle. She has an ultrasound on day 13 to check her lining and make sure she's responding properly. Once her two cycles are done, we can move forward with the IVF(s). Based on her schedule and the fact that the clinic closes for Christmas, we're now looking at January for cycling rather then December.

So that's the whole situation. People keep telling me that I have so much patience with this, but really, what else can I do at this point but keep waiting?

IVF Shared Cycling - Part II

Day two. First appointment of the day is the psychology appointment. The purpose of this appointment is to help them ensure we are all on side with this whole process. The appointment itself took about 30 minutes and the psychologist seemed really interested in our situation. The Calgary Regional Fertility Clinic has free services for everyone going through the program, which is a huge benefit that I'll be taking advantage of.

Following the evaluation, the guys had to do their analysis. Derek is an old pro at the deposit in a cup game, so was giving Roland a very colourful commentary on what to expect. It seems like situations like this call for a little humour, and Derek is gifted with this skill, so although it was an uncomfortable situation, it really wasn't that bad, especially since the guys didn't end up in rooms next to each other. Luckily for Derek, we were able to get in early - before I had to go to my ultrasound - and I could go in with him. Yes, the ladies can go in to help. Considering all these poor guys have in there is a slim selection of magazines (Big n' Busty, Barely Legal, etc.), and the porn on the TV really isn't that great (the TV was broken anyhow), having the wife in there can really help move things along. Just make sure you don't contaminate the sample with saliva ladies - that's right, no actual BJ's (or sex!). Use your imagination.

Once we were done there, I had my ultrasound. We sent the guys downstairs for coffee and Lara waited with me. The purpose of the ultrasound was to take a look at my antral follicle count. AFC is a way for specialists to get an idea of what my ovarian reserve is (how many eggs I have left). Apparently, I'm perfect (I already knew that), and have nine on the left and 14 on the right. The total number of antral follicles can correspond with expected response and IVF success rates. 23 falls right in the middle of the 'good' count, and I 'should have an excellent response to ovarian stimulation'. This is really good news, and sort of puts me at ease about everything just a little bit.

Next was our mid-day break before our final meeting with the doctor and nurse to go over our game plan. Unfortunately, our original plan was pretty much vetoed by the doctor and now we have some very tough decisions to make. But, more on that later. I have a horrible cold today, was up late last night, and need to get to the lab for my CD3 blood work. Also, the homework I've been putting off while Lara and Roland were here. Good times!

IVF Shared Cycling with my sister - Part I

This past Wednesday and Thursday, my sister Lara and I, along with our husbands, Roland and Derek, attended a number of seminars and appointments as part of our upcoming IVF shared cycles. If I haven't already explained, Lara also has IF, though hers is due to cancer treatments as a teenager (she had Hodgkin's Disease a couple of times). Over the last year, we've decided to go ahead with a shared cycle, where I donate some of my eggs to her at the same time we're doing our IVF. Our original sharing plan was kaiboshed by the fertility doctor, but more on that later (I'll probably break this all down in multiple posts over the next couple of days).

First, the seminar. We are going through the Calgary Regional Fertility Clinic, and it is required that all parties attend a 2 to 2.5 hour seminar that reviews what IVF is, what being a donor consists of, and all the risks, etc. We arrive a few minutes before 7 pm after me stressing out about being late (I really hate being late for anything, especially stuff like this). There are about eight groups in the room, and everyone was a donor group (one woman is donating, the other is the recipient). The thing is, Lara and I are a really unique situation. Apparently, we are the third group to come through the clinic since 1984 with a situation like this - where the egg donor is also doing her own IVF.

Our doctor, Dr. Scott, lead the presentation, and our nurse, Kathy, as also on hand to answer questions and speak to us a bit about what to expect. Dr. Scott is my type of doctor - straight forward and to the point, with out a bunch of BS. The Calgary Regional Fertility Clinic has a relatively high success rate (it's all published) and she was able to give us some numbers: on average, IVF retrievals result in 12 to 14 eggs (mature and borderline). They are, on average, able to retrieve 70% of the eggs from the follicles, and of those, 70% fertilize. The live birth rate is about 50% per IVF cycle. These are pretty good odds considering our chance of conceiving naturally each month is between 1% and 3% (and Lara's chances are 0%). The rest of the presentation reviewed the actual process (they use the long lupron protocol, if you are familiar - I'll explain my protocol in a later post), the mock cycles Lara will be doing, and the egg retrieval process.

Ok, now my complaint. Since this was a donor clinic as well as an IVF, you'd expect that the donors probably already have kids of their own - proof their eggs are good. This I understand. What I don't understand is why you'd bring your three year old to the seminar. A seminar where at least half the people in the room are infertile and probably sensitive to these things. A seminar that lasts at least two hours and starts at 7 at night. Even this infertile understands that kids get cranky, and a three year old will have a very hard time sitting still and quiet for two hours. I could not believe it, and I think most of the rest of the people there couldn't either. After about a half an hour of the doctor trying to talk over the kids babbles, she finally asked them to take her out of the room. Go Dr. Scott! And then, one of the women in the group had to fumble in her purse because her cell phone kept ringing. I don't know...for me, this is one of the most important things I'll do in my life, and my attention was undivided. Apparently they felt differently.

Tomorrow I'll post about the guys having to do their semen analysis at the same time and the weird conversations on the drive there. Ever share masturbation tips and tricks? T'was an interesting conversation.

Hysteroscopy, Partial D&C and Endometrial Biopsy Party!

A few months ago I had a sonohysterogram and they saw 'something' that looked like it might be a false passage. A false passage in the uterus is just scar tissue or similar tissue that is in a place where the catheter (for IUI or IVF) might get drawn in to. If that were to happen during an IVF, for instance, the embryo would have nothing to latch on to (no endometrial lining) and the procedure would fail. So, my doctor ordered a hysteroscopy to check things out.

A hysteroscopy is a procedure where the doctor dilates the cervix, inserts saline or gas, and then shoves a camera with a light on it to check out the innards. I really should have asked for a picture - I would love to frame that and put it on the fireplace! "What's this, um, picture of?" "Oh, that's my ute! I was 6 DPO here!"

Anyway, the hysteroscopy was done to check out this possible false passage, and in addition to this, she was doing a partial D&C and endometrial biopsy. I requested the biopsy to check for infection or other anomalies in my lining. Those kinds of issues can cause miscarriage, and since I've had two uterine miscarriages, I figured she may as well take a sample while she was in there.

Why do they keep hospitals so damn cold? Once I had undressed, redressed in a bleach-smelling gown and robe, and snuggled under my paper thin blanket, I was frozen. Luckily, anxiety warms me up a bit. Also, I stupidly brought my University text books so I could do some homework. Ha, I'm so idealistic. Yeah, none of that got done.

They gave me an OxyCodone about 45 minutes before the procedure and I was walked in to the room a few minutes early. I jumped up on the bed and the room started stirring in activity. Nurses, doctors, the anesthesiologist, and the kitchen sink crowded in to the room. Multiple things are happening and I'm just trying to keep my composure. Everyone was so nice and made sure I was comfortable and aware of what was happening. The anesthesiologist put in my IV and they strapped my arms down on the boards. Unfortunately, the decision was made that I would be doing this under IV sedation, so I was awake and responsive. Faster recovery and less risk, so I get it.

My legs went in to the cadillac of stirrups (all nice and padded all the way up the calf) and the medication was taking effect. The room was swirling but I could hear and see what was happening. Speculum went in and they started what felt like a sand blasting of the interior of my uterus. The bad part about IV sedation is that even though you're stoned and relatively happy, you still feel everything. So, I felt the D&C and it sucked. I knew what was happening and was in a lot of pain, and I started crying. I felt bad for the anesthesiologist because he could only put his hand on my head and wipe away the tears.

Once they finished the D&C / biopsy, they did the hysteroscopy. They had an issue with getting the saline through the catheter because apparently my uterus is bent over and snugged right up to my lower abdomen, so I practically have a 90 degree bend in my cervix. The saline bag was right by my head and the nurse was squeezing it so hard I thought it would pop. I remember at that point asking her if I was supposed to be awake and in pain and I think she ignored me. Either that or I only thought I was talking out loud.

The hysteroscopy was easy in comparison and done in about five minutes. They put my legs down, unstrapped my arms, took the IV out, and rolled me in to recovery. I only had to stay an hour before I was able to go home.

I had some pretty bad cramps right after, but within a couple of hours they went away and now I just feel tired and my ute feels full. My awesome MIL arrived just as I came out of surgery to take me home. She even stopped at a Tim Hortons to get me a tea, and stuck around for the afternoon to make sure I was good. Thank you!

Results: It's not a false passage (yay!) and I have the green light for IVF (double yay!). Next up, IVF/Donor seminar next Wednesday and Thursday. I can't wait to see my sister and brother in law! Also, bring warm fuzzy socks to the hospital next time.

Oh, also, it's my birthday tomorrow, so happy birthday to me!

Stupid Fertiles

When you are infertile, especially when it’s been years since you’ve started trying to conceive, you forgot what it was like in the beginning and start to feel resentment and even anger at these damn fertiles. With the wonderful world of ‘The Internet’ at our fingertips, and the even more awesome advent of forums and message boards, us infertiles have the pleasure of reading the accounts of those stupid (often ill-informed) fertiles with relative disdain.

1.)    “OMG, we’ve been trying for four months and nothing has happened! I’ve been temping and using OPK’s and we have perfect intercourse timing and, OMG, I’m still not pregnant! I’m so saaaaaaad. What is wrong with me?”

What’s wrong with you? Probably nothing. It’s been FOUR MONTHS. For crying out loud, a normal, healthy couple, where the woman is under 35, can take up to a year to conceive. A year! Calm down, you still have eight months to go before you need to start getting concerned.

2)    “There are two lines on this test, right? So I’m pregnant? Uh, what do I do now?”

Are you f*cking kidding me? Did you not think past the end of your nose when you decided to try to have a child? Yes, these are the people that are bringing children in to the world while I sit here with a uterus as empty as Pamela Anderson’s head.

3)    “I’m trying for my seventh child and swinging for a girl! I really hope we don’t get a boy this time.”

Lucky you, getting a whole passel of kids. What are you going to do if you don’t get the sex of your choice? Hey, I’ll take it! I just want one, and I don’t care what the sex is, as long as it’s healthy!

4)    “I’m seven weeks post partum and I just got a positive pregnancy test! My beta is too high for it to be residual HCG, so this is a new pregnancy. My OB/GYN told me to hold off on having sex for a few months, but I did it anyway. Oops!”

Haaaaaaahahahahahaha! Oops is right you stupid knocked up bag o’ flesh!  Have fun with that!

5)    “Yay! I just got my positive pregnancy test! Here’s what I did differently this month: Soy from CD 3 – 10, Vitex, B12, Prenatal, Acupuncture, Yoga, progesterone cream, OPK’s, sex every second day until O and then twice a day for four days, elevated my hips, and used Pre-Seed every time.”

I’m pretty sure the fact that you’re 28 and this is your third month of trying to get pregnant is the reason that you got knocked up, not any of that other stuff.

6)    “Hey infertile! I’ve been TTC for seven months now, so even though you’ve been TTC for 42 months and have undergone multiple treatments and tests and procedures, and have been researching for years, I know more then you, so stop trying to correct me when I say you can use an OPK as a pregnancy test.”

Ok, keep using an OPK as a pregnancy test, and when you by chance get a positive pregnancy test after a positive OPK a few months from now, come and brag about how you’re right and then look up ‘confirmation bias’.

Sometimes I feel like I just need to log off to avoid the rage I feel at some of these idiots. I mean, I’m sure I was there once (well, not quite, I did have a basic understanding of biology, that’s for sure), but once we decided we were ready for a family, I did my research. Being prepared is a good thing, so is knowing what you’re in for. Having a child isn’t something that should be taken lightly – it’s a new life, one you are in charge of for at least 18 years. Take it seriously and don’t be a Stupid Fertile.

Quick and Dirty Update

Quick and dirty update: As of last Thursday, August 18, my beta was below 5, so back to non-pregnancy levels. It went down faster then I thought, to be honest.

Kind of interesting - the afternoon before I did a FRER pregnancy test I had sitting in my desk and it was faintly positive. Must have just caught the tail end of the drop!?

Unfortunately, I've had a rough couple of days, though today feels a bit brighter (could be on account of the sun and warmth). I had a few run-in's with pregnant people and babies on Saturday, and that progressed in to me feeling really sorry for myself. I get all sad and kind of just drag myself around when I am in moods like this, and although I'm not snappy or bitchy, I am pretty boring to be around because I get quiet and don't want to be around people. I guess it's a blessing in disguise that Derek's worked the last two nights and is out camping/hiking with a buddy tonight. Sometimes you just need to be alone, you know? Plus, I've been catching up on one of my favourite TV series and there is lots of unwarranted crying involved, but it feels good.

Anyhow, I did the sweep over the weekend and got rid of my dozens of positive pregnancy tests except for one - the darkest one from 18 DPO. I still have one from my pregnancy last summer, and decided I'd keep one from this pregnancy too. Something to remember, I guess, since there really isn't anything else.

Moving forward - September can't come soon enough!

We are booked in and have a schedule for the next few months! The seminar/appointments take place on September 21 and 22.

September 21 from 7 pm to 9 pm we have a seminar on what exactly will happen, including drugs, egg retrieval, fertilization and transfer for both of us.

September 22 is full of appointments:

8:30 am to 9:30 am: Psychologist

10:00 am: I have an ultrasound / Lara has an ultrasound and sonohysterogram (don’t read my post about my sonohysterogram Lara!)

10:00 am and 10:15 am: Semen Analysis for the guys

2:00 pm: Meet with our primary doctor, Dr. Scott, and our awesome nurse Kathy to do a final discussion

Lara will be starting her mock cycle the same week to test her response over about seven or eight weeks. She’ll be on Suprefact, Estrace (estrogen) and Prometrium (progesterone) and has an ultrasound 14 days after starting the Estrace to check her lining.

If all goes well, we will be starting to cycle at the end of November or beginning of December. The clinic is closed for ten days over Christmas, so fingers crossed our cycle falls outside of those days or we’ll have to delay to January.

I guess it's never the final chapter when you call it the final chapter.

I had thought the end would come with the methtrexate shot. Boy, was I wrong.

On Wednesday, July 20, I had the methtrexte shot to induce miscarriage of an embryo that wasn't developing properly. They couldn't find it in my uterus, and also didn't see anything in my tubes. We thought this was the end.

On Sunday, July 24, Derek and I headed out to a road race (cycling) that Derek was participating in. Around 8:30 am, I started experiencing moderate pain on my left side. I took a couple of Tylenol, but it didn't really make a difference. By the time the race was done, around 11:30 am, the pain had increased to the point that I sort of started to worry. We were an hour out of town and I made the decision to come home and go to the hospital.

Half way home, I had a flash of hot pain in the left side of my back, which really scared me, so we headed to the nearest town - Okotoks - and I went to the ER. The on call doctor felt around my abdomen, said he didn't feel any free fluid, gave me a form for an ultrasound and a prescription for painkillers and sent me home. I didn't feel comfortable with this at all, so I called the fertility clinic.

After a discussion with my doctor, we decided to wait until the following day, a Monday, for me to come in extra early and she'd do a blood test and an ultrasound. I arrived at 7:00 am and she finally saw something - on my left tube. Just 'something'. I went for the blood test and then headed for work, still in moderate pain.

Tuesday morning I again went to work, loaded up on pain medication, and waited for them to call. My parents were arriving that afternoon and we were to head out for a family vacation the next day, on Wednesday. I went home at noon and gave mom and dad a bit of an update about what was happening.

At 2:00 the clinic called. Between the previous Wednesday, when I'd had the shot, and Monday, my numbers increased from about 2100 to over 2900. Something was wrong, and the clinic asked me to come in immediately.

The doctor performed another ultrasound and finally, finally, found the mass. It was on my left tube and was about 2.5 cm. We discussed the options - another shot, or surgery - and I opted for surgery. There was still a big risk of rupture, and the risk of repeat ectopics after one is high, so removing the tube is the best way to get rid of that risk. So, mom, dad and I headed across the street to the hospital ER and checked in. Derek met us a few hours later and won husband of the year award for bringing me comfortable clothes, my iPad, facewash and lotion, and fuzzy socks.

The pain gradually grew worse and they put me on a morphine drip. At the time, I thought I was totally unaffected by it and coherent. In retrospect, I was nicely high. Good times! I forced the family out around 8:30 and waited for something to happen. Around 10:00 pm, my dear sister called the ward desk and I went up front to take the call. As I was standing there wobbling back and forth, I felt a sharp pain. I told my sister I had to go lie down and went back to my bed. The sharp pains seemed to be getting worse, even through the morphine. I could feel it spreading across to the right side and up to my diaphram. I was just about to call the nurse when she came in to let me know they were ready for me in the OR.

Surgery began around 11:00 pm and I remember looking at the clock in my room at 2:30 am or so. After a broken sleep due to vitals checks every 15 minutes, I woke up around 7:00 am. I was able to go to the washroom and walk up and down the hall by 8:00, so called Derek to come around 9:30.

The surgeon came by and said the surgery had gone well - the ectopic had ruptured, which must have been the pain I felt, and they removed my left tube. The left ovary looked good, as did my right tube and ovary. I had three incisions - in the belly button and two inch long incisions on the left lower abdomen. It was done. Finally.

I was well enough (or hopped up on enough drugs) to head out for the family vacation on Thursday, which was much needed. The worst part was that my family cracks me up, especially my dad, and laughing hurt. A lot.

We got home last night and I was back to work today (actually, I was in a course, but back to a regular schedule anyhow), and I feel ok. Still tender and sore, but totally tolerable.

I am thankful for a lot of things - my parents and husband taking care of me, that I wasn't at home when it ruptured, that I only lost the tube and not the ovary, that we can still stick to our IVF schedule, and that I have had time to heal before going back to work. I am still terrified of doing the IVF only to succeed and fail again, but I think I have to give it a shot. It just has to work this time, a person can only take so much.

Next step is Day 3 blood tests when my cycle returns, and the IVF/Egg Donor seminar in late September. Can't wait!

The final chapter...finally

I had blood drawn for another beta yesterday morning and received the call from the nurse at around 8 pm last night, which was worrisome in itself because it's way outside their normal business hours. My number increased from 494 to 1955 in six days. The beta is high enough at this point that if there were anything viable in the uterus, they would have seen it. She asked me to come in again this morning, and was again very adamant that if I have any pain, especially on one side or the other, I was to go to the emergency room immediately.

I had some severe cramping (exactly like period cramps and not on one side or the other) for a couple of hours around dinner time last night, and started bleeding bright red. The cramps and bleeding tappered off around 7 pm (just before she called) and I got a decent sleep, thankfully. I arrived at the clinic this morning shortly after 9 am and they sent me right to the clinic for another beta and a bunch of labs for liver function. The purpose of the liver function tests was that if my beta had continued to increase, I'd have to go in for a methotexrate shot to stop the development of whatever it is, wherever it is, and the shot can harm poorly functioning livers.

Unfortunately, my beta this morning increased to 2100, so we have an appointment this evening at 6:30 at the hospital to get the shot.

Just to clear up some confusion about why I am getting the shot even though it seems like something is developing still, I'll try to explain a few things. In a normal pregnancy, the beta will go up about 66% every 48 to 72 hours for the first few weeks. 85% of women follow this guideline, but 15% do not. I was close for a few of my beta's, which is why I held on to the hope that I was part of that 15%. My initial beta of 24 at about 13 days past ovulation was low, but you have to start somewhere, and I was hoping it just implanted late. I also didn't know the exact date of ovulation, so I could have been even earlier, and there the justification for my low numbers began.

So, my numbers would almost double, not double, almost double, not double, etc., but keep going up. However, they weren't going up fast enough. My beta yesterday of 1955 was taken on a day where I was at very earliest (according to my justifications) six weeks two days pregnant, and at latest, six weeks six days pregnant. The normal beta range for six weeks zero days is between 1080 and 56,500 mIU. I was in range, but barely.

After my beta this morning of 2100, things were essentially confirmed. A rise of only 150-ish in 24 hours is a failed pregnancy.

I have no question that this isn't viable at this point. If I stop trying to justify everything and make my numbers work, I'd be seven weeks today, and nothing is supporting that - beta numbers or ultrasound.

The good news is that this chapter is finally coming to a close and the next chapter is beginning. We are still on the list for the September IVF / Donor Egg seminars which means we're still on schedule for a December / January IVF. This threw a wrench in to the machine, but luckily it wasn't a big wrench.

Still on the roller coaster

Just a quick update from the last post - unfortunately, my hopes were once again recharged following my sixth beta. Three days after my poor beta of 229, I had a repeat and was shocked to hear that it had increased to 494! Hope springs eternal and all that!

I received the results last Friday and we were cautiously optomistic all weekend. I purchased a CBE with Conception Indicator pregnancy test the afternoon I received these awesome results and it showed that I was 2 - 3 weeks pregnant, which was low for where I was in the pregnancy according to my last period, but I justified the numbers away and hoped for the best.

On Monday (yesterday), I took yet another CBE with Conception Indicator and it had jumped to 3+ weeks pregnant! My beta was going up! According to some random information I found online, for the test to read 3+ weeks, my beta would have to be over 1000 or so. Exciting! I was hopeful that we might actually see a little bean on my ultrasound this morning.

But, it was not to be. While we did get the good news that they didn't see anything in my tubes, and therefore my risk for ectopic was 'very low', we also didn't see anything in my uterus. Based upon my chart, which shows when we had sex and when I got my first positive pregnancy test, the earliest I could be is about 6 weeks, 2 days, and the clinic has me down as 6 weeks, 6 days. Either way, there should have been something. All they saw was a nice thick endometrium and that's it.

The doctor sent me for another beta and I should have the results by the end of today, but of course, when I finally got to work around noon, I started cramping and finally started spotting red. I think it's finally over and the numbers from this morning will prove it.

Being on this emotional roller coaster has caused so much stress for me, Derek and our families (especially my sister Lara, who is waiting for me to donate eggs to her - this puts her life on hold as well) that I'll be thankful to conclude this chapter in our lives.

It's officially loss number three

The clinic called late yesterday afternoon and told me my number had only gone up to 229 from 180, a rise of only 21%. About three hours before they called, I started spotting, so I already knew it was over.

Thank you everyone for all your support and positive thoughts, but it looks like this one is coming to an end too. At this point, I am hoping for a quick natural miscarriage.

Going forward, we'll be making an appointment to see both our IVF doctor and the Repeat Pregnancy Loss doctor at the fertility clinic to discuss what the plan is going forward. On the positive side of this all, we will be doing more investigation to determine if there is something genetic going on with us, or if there is something going on in my uterus that is preventing good implantation. I'm glad we'll be doing this before the IVF rather then going through more heartbreak and big costs, though we have to be realistic, as there is only a 50% chance that we will find an answer.

For now, we're both dealing with this pretty well. It's obviously different for Derek because he isn't the one that's pregnant and it wasn't to the point of being real for him yet, but I'm sure he's sad about this too. Staying positive about the future is what keeps us going, and knowing that we have a good plan is reassuring.

This must be a close approximation to hell

I'm sure if we all were in charge of creating our own personal hell when we die (if there is such a thing, or even an option), beta hell would be mine. Unfortunately, I'm living it out as we speak and it sucks!

My beta from Friday was 180, up from 100 on Wednesday, with a doubling time of 55.5 hours, which is pretty good. The call came at 8:15 this morning, after being up late at the movies (Horrible Bosses gets a 7 out of 10 from me), and finally falling asleep at 2 am. I LEAPED out of bed when my annoyingly loud ringer went off because I knew who it would be, and spoke with the nurse from the clinic. She was very neutral about it all and didn't give an opinion one way or another. The only thing is that when she said something about spotting and cramping, and I said I had had none, she sounded surprised. Not sure if that's good or bad.

I have no idea what this means. Vanishing twin syndrome? Ectopic? Slow starter or late implanter? Either way, the odds are still against us, but at least there are still odds.

I'm in for my fifth draw this afternoon and will hopefully have the results tomorrow. If it doubles again, I won't do another for at least a week. I need a break, and so do my veins.

I told Derek this morning over breakfast that we will go on believing this pregnancy is viable and try not to have any negative thoughts about it. He is to go back to calling it his little monkey and kissing my stomach goodnight, because no matter what the outcome is we love this little bean so much already and that's all we want it to feel.

Good news, bad news, and everything in between

This is a long awaited post that couldn't be made until I talked to certain family members first. So, sorry you've been out of the loop, but I'm finally updating!

First of all, my good news: I got accepted to University! I start the Masters of Arts in Environment and Management program at Royal Roads on September 5. It is a program for full time professionals that requires a lot of home study, three, three week residencies in Victoria, B.C., and a thesis. Apparently I blew them away with my Letter of Intent and they accepted me as a mature learner as I don't have an undergrad degree. We are SO excited! My first residency is the first three weeks of October.

Here is my in between news: the same day I got my acceptance letter, I found out I was pregnant. It was a total shock, of course, but we were thrilled! I hadn't been taking my temperature or using OPKs, so I had no idea when I ovulated. I had my sonohysterogram this cycle too, so I thought that may have delayed ovulation a bit, but maybe by two days, tops.

I called my GP and she asked me to go in for a beta, and after an agonizing three and a half day wait, we got the results - 24. I was definitely pregnant, but very early. It seemed low for how far along I thought I was, but again, I had no idea when I ovulated, and it was in range either way.

I called the fertility clinic immediately and they sent me in for a repeat, as well as putting me on progesterone and baby aspirin (for clotting). Three and a half days after my first beta, my numbers and gone up to 83. We started to get more excited, as the numbers were doubling properly, albeit still low.

Two days later I went in for another repeat. They called me first thing the next morning with crushing news. My beta only rose to 100 in two days, no where near normal. This was this past Wednesday, July 6th. I went in for a repeat yesterday, the 8th, and am still waiting for the results.

At this point, it's bad news. My numbers don't look good and this will likely result in my third miscarriage. I have no cramping or bleeding yet, but the progesterone could be delaying things. I'll know more when I get my fourth set of numbers.

It's always devastating to have a miscarriage, but it feels like the more it happens, the more numb you become. I have hardly cried this time, and I'm not sure why not. Maybe I expected it?

Let's finish this post with another piece of semi-good news, eh? Because this is my third loss, I am now considered a reoccurring pregnancy loss patient. I will now undergo a bunch of genetic and other testing before the IVF, as will Derek. If there is something wrong with either of us that makes our embryos non-viable, I'd rather know it now then after we spend thousands on a failed IVF.

I guess there is still a very small chance that this pregnancy will work out, so let's hold out for that for now. The proof is in the numbers. I'll update when I get the call.

Happy Father's Day

Although my husband never reads my blog, I want to wish him a happy Father's Day. We unfortunately do not have our own bundle of joy, but I know that when the time comes - and it will - he will be the most wonderful father to that lucky, lucky child.

Even though he doesn't say it, he's very emotionally invested in being a dad. Last night I was talking about a baby name I loved, and he then spent about 45 minutes going through baby name websites looking up names he liked. It was very touching, and reminded me that he's in this just as much as I am. It'll take the two of us to get through this.

Love you like a turtle loves a dove, Derek.

The Sonohysterogram

I am the type of person that likes to know all of the details before I make a decision or do something important. When it comes to work, I am the person that reads the entire manual, including the introduction and glossary. When I go to the dentist for a filling, I ask to see the x-rays, get a description of why he thinks I need the work done, and ask how it's going to be done. When I'm getting some sort of procedure done, like a Sonohysterogram, I Google it.

Search one: Sonohysterogram
Search two: Sonohysterogram procedure
Search three: Sonohysterogram pain
Search four: Sonohysterogram horrifying pain
Search five: Sonohysterogram death

Yeah, that's me.

So after scaring the crap out of myself, I followed the instructions for taking the preventative antibiotics, took the Naproxen two hours before the scheduled procedure, and also took some leftover Valium I had (from the dentist).

We arrived at the clinic early and waited for my turn to go in. Luckily for me (or was it unluckily?), they were on time and I was quickly escorted into the back on my own. Husbands, or anyone for that matter, aren't allowed to come in the room. I was led to a curtained off area and instructed to strip from the waist down and put on a paper robe. Once the room was set up, they led me in and asked me to get up on the table.

The nurses and doctors were great. They explained everything that was going to happen (they all do this at the fertility clinic - its awesome for someone like me that needs to know everything). The nurse started off with the dildo cam (yeah, that's not the right term for it, but it's more fun to say) and checked my lining, ovaries and follicles. Once that was done, two doctors came in to perform the Sonohysterogram.

The procedure starts with the insertion of a speculum and then they start to insert a catheter in through the cervix. This is where it always sucks for me. My cervix always seems to be in an odd position and has a curve in it. They always say 'this might pinch'. Hahaha, yeah... Once they slaughter my cervix and get the catheter through, they need to inflate this balloon on the catheter to ensure there is enough room for the saline to get through. This fucking hurt. A lot. And then, while I was already moaning in pain, they start to inject the saline. This really fucking hurt.

Guess what they did next, while I'm laying on the table trying to control my breathing? They put the dildo cam back in and started taking pictures, discussing what they saw on the screen that I couldn't see. All I heard was stuff like 'polyps', 'fibroid', 'what is that?' and similar scary things. The nurse did a great job of telling me I was doing a great job, and finally, after about five minutes, it was all over.

So, here's the thing - I have a two cm 'lesion' in my uterus, right next to some scar tissue that has caused a 'false passage', which is important to know for embryo placement (they won't stick to the scar tissue, so they need to avoid it during IVF). The lesion needs to be looked at and probably removed via hysteroscopy and D&C, so next week they'll schedule me in for surgery. This is similar to the surgery I had in April 2010 and I'll be going under (thank goodness).

Anyway, I think I'm one of the minority that has a painful experience with this procedure. Normally, it's a pretty basic procedure and is really not that bad. Maybe I'm just extra wussy, or maybe I'm just extra lucky and my body is constructed in a way that makes everything hurt worse then normal. Who knows?

I guess it's another bump in the road, but if I get in for the surgery relatively quickly, this shouldn't delay anything. It just sucks.

Damn, I hate infertility.

There must be a weird grieving process when it comes to infertility.

If there is a grieving process, I think I'm in the 'acceptance' phase. It's weird how time and diversions change your feelings about how much time you have left. What I mean is, there have been a few things that have come up that will delay the IVF a couple of months, but I think I'm ok with that. A few months ago, this would have devastated me.

Delay number one: I need to do a Sonohysterogram before they will register us for our two day IVF / Donor Program seminars, which are mandatory. The catch is that the next seminar is in July, today is Day 2 of my cycle, and they need to do the procedure on day 6 to 10 of my cycle, so we are cutting it close. It's hit and miss if they have room for the Sonohysterogram for any given person month to month, so I call on Cycle Day 1, and from there it's just a wait for a last minute call with an appointment. If I don't get in this month, we won't qualify for the July seminars. If we don't get in to the July seminars, the next ones aren't until September. I doubt we'll get in for July (I haven't heard back from the clinic since I called yesterday).

Delay number two: When I started my new job (which I LOVE!), they said that they'd prefer for me to start my Masters program in January rather then September because September will be very busy with big, big projects kicking off that I will be fully involved in. So, I called the University to get my dates changed around only to be told that they will not be offering the January class any more. So it's September, or September. I have no choice, and my boss indicated today that we will just have to figure things out. The thing is, I have a three week residency in October, and certainly can't take my medications / injections while I'm there, not to mention the monitoring that has to happen. That pushes us to November to start everything.

Another thing: our closest couple friends are pregnant. She had told me she wasn't 'ready to give up her freedom' but apparently she was, because she's eight weeks. Everyone around me is pregnant right now.

I think I'm ok with this. I've been really busy so far this summer - time in Penticton, B.C., cycling with the team, a half marathon last weekend, another half scheduled for July, family reunion on the coast in August - I'm too busy to process and / or cry right now. Is this a good thing? Or am I just holding it all in and heading for disaster? Guess we'll see.

Packing up and moving on.

Perspective and hormones seem to dictate how easy or hard it is for me to move on. I've had two 'moving on' events in my life recently: a new job, and the final step in taking the summer off from trying to conceive.

Last month I said I'd be packing up all of my pregnancy tests and getting rid of all the used ones I kept (weird, I know) and it took me a full four weeks to feel like I was ready to do it. About a week ago, I finally started gathering up all of my pregnancy tests scattered around the house and threw them out. It was sort of liberating in a way, and I didn't cry. I was ready for this step, mostly because I've finally come to terms with taking the summer off, and also because I know this isn't the end.

This is one month of pregnancy tests. There has to be at least $150 worth in there, and this isn't including all of my cheapy internet strips, nor the ones I had already thrown out. Sad, isn't it? Sadder still that I took a pregnancy test right after gathering these all up, just in case.

In other 'moving on' news, I started my new job this past Tuesday. So far, it's awesome and a bit scary. Apparently they think I know what I'm doing and that I'll be a superstar, so it'll be a busy few months.

Another update will be coming soon - I talked to the nurse at the Fertility Clinic today about donating eggs to my sister at the same time as we do our IVF. It's a go! I'm just waiting for the information packet and I'll outline the process. The only bad news is that it sounds like we may be waiting a bit longer just because of scheduling for all of the stuff we have to do to prepare for it, so the IVF(s) might not happen until October or November. Fingers crossed for Christmas babies!

Pre-IVF Appointment

This afternoon was our first post-failed IUI / pre-IVF appointment. Here's the low down:

The doctor thinks I may have egg quality issues. Before I even said anything, she recommended going to IVF because of this. She thinks we have a good chance of harvesting 10 to 12 eggs for retrieval however, and we have a 50% to 65% chance of conceiving with our first IVF.

I discussed donating a portion of my eggs to my sister, Lara, within the same cycle. I worried that they might be reluctant to allow this because I don't have any of my own children yet, but she said she can see no issues with going ahead with a shared cycle. She is discussing the plan with the Donor Egg Program doctor and I will get a call within the next two weeks with the go-ahead. Of course, there is a huge emotional umbrella over this possibility that we will all need to work through, but we have a few months to figure out our bottom lines.

So, over the summer there are a number of things we need to do. First and foremost, Derek and I, as well as my sister Lara and her husband Roland, will have to attend an evening / morning program about the Donor Program and IVF in general. Following that, we need to decide how many eggs I'll be donating and get a legal contract written up and signed by all for the procedure.

I need to have a sonohysterogram within the next couple of months (not looking forward to this) as well as Cycle Day 3 blood tests (Estradol, FSH, LH). Derek and I both have to get a bunch of blood tests done for a variety of illnesses (HIV, Hepatitis, etc.) at some point as well, as will Lara and Roland.

At this point, this is all I know. I'll have more specifics once I hear back from the Donor Egg Program nurse.

We're aiming for a September / October IVF. I do not need to take birth control to prepare because my cycles are very regular. Looks like they will be doing a standard three day transfer as long as everything works out (fingers crossed!).

If all goes well, both Lara and I will be pregnant by Christmas.

Due Dates

Yesterday was our due date for the baby we conceived last July and lost. It's amazing how fast the time goes, and it's hard for me to believe that I could be holding a baby in my arms right now if fate hadn't dealt me a bad hand.

We could also have an almost four year old right now. I found out I was pregnant right around the time Derek was graduating for his training with the Fire Department in May 2007.

I wonder what we would have had? What would we have named him or her? Would they be healthy?

As yesterday becomes distant past, it will get easier, but for now, happy birthday unknown baby.

Good news comes in different forms

The other day I realized that I didn't know what cycle day I was on. I have known my cycle day for 39 cycles, so this is a big step for me. I think part of the reason I didn't know is because I've had a major life change occur over the past few days.

I have been unhappy in my current job for a long while now. I had been told on a few occasions that in order to get promotions I would need to improve my education, so I started making inquiries to various universities. I spoke with an advisor at one particular university on the West Coast and was told I would likely be accepted in to their Masters program, so I decided to go for it. When I told my boss about this, he seemed happy for me and advised me to talk to Human Resources about funding and the requisite three weeks per year residency requirement (in Victoria).

HR eventually said no to the funding, which I sort of expected, but was disappointed about. My boss told me he would at least support me with the three weeks a year residency requirements, so I went ahead and submitted my application fee and started pulling together the documents I needed. A month later, he told me he couldn't even support the three weeks off, because they 'couldn't let me be away from the office for three weeks at a time'. I was angry because of the money and time I had already spent with his promise of support, and started aggressively searching for a new job.

I got the job offer last Thursday morning. My salary will be increasing by about 30%, I will get four weeks vacation, every second Friday off, and they are going to pay for and support my education. There was no way I could refuse, so I gave my notice last Friday. Of course, my boss isn't happy, but that's not what matters. I'm happy, and this gives me something to look forward to after months of disappointments and unhappiness. I feel a renewed sense of excitement and I have something big to look forward to at last.

This won't change our plans for IVF in the fall, it only means we'll be able to save up more money, faster. We've discussed my going back to school while being pregnant and on maternity leave and have decided that it's something we can handle.

Now knowing karma, we'll probably get pregnant this summer. Isn't that how it always works?

Cycle Day 1

The book is slowly closing on this chapter in our journey. I got my period this morning. I knew it was coming, but I still had a shred of hope. When I woke up early this morning, I was cramping, but didn't actually have my period yet. I spent the first 30 minutes of my morning searching Fertility Friend for charts that showed women who had negative tests on 13 days past ovulation, and positive tests on 14 DPO. There were many, and I used that to build up my hope just a little bit. I got up and waited.

I didn't have to wait long. I'm in full blown unused uterine lining shed mode now. My boobs are less sore, I'm cramping and I'm craving sugar and carbs.

Tonight I was going to pack everything up, but I just can't face it yet. I'll get it done, I just need a few days. I have multiple used negative pregnancy tests in various drawers of the house (yes, I save most of them - yes, it's weird), including my 19DPO test from my pregnancy last July. I don't know if I can throw that one away - is it a cruel reminder of what I lost, or a reminder of the hope I'm holding on to, the proof that I can get pregnant?

I still don't know how I'm going to stop trying, really. How do I stop tracking what day I am in my cycle? How do I not think 'I know I'm really fertile right now'? I even looked at the calendar this morning to see if Derek's visit to Ontario to see family late this month would interfere with our chances this cycle - it does. I was disappointed.

So what's next? We have an appointment on April 20th at the fertility clinic to discuss next steps to look forward to. Other then that, I'm trying not to think too far ahead. I'm focusing on other things that are important to me - running, cycling, our upcoming trips, losing a few pounds, looking at other employment opportunities, possibly going back to university for my Masters. Maybe I can focus my newfound free time on the things I love, and eventually, somehow, I'll stop thinking about it all the time.

The Bitter Infertile

You know how when something really bad is happening in your life, you say you 'wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy'? Well, when I become a 'Bitter Infertile', I do wish it on other people. I hate myself for it later on, but in the moment, I want other people, people who have had it lucky, to share in my pain and sadness. I have to restrain myself from making snide comments, and reassure myself that next week I'll feel much happier about life in general, but during the few days before my period shows up, when I'm dealing with PMS bitchiness combined with the fact that I'm sure I'm not pregnant, yet again, I wallow in my sorrow.

The bitchiness came out last night. My sister, who is early in her second trimester and who became pregnant the month after coming off birth control, complained on Facebook last night that she felt like garbage and pregnancy wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I commented that she should be thankful and that I would give anything to feel like garbage. I immediately regretted the comment, but left it, because the 'Bitter Infertile' in me wants to spread out the anger and sadness I feel so that maybe I won't have to deal with it all by myself. Comments like these are unfair for me to make to those who have been blessed, and I apologize to my sister for trying to make her feel bad for being blessed (as I'm sure she's reading this).

I suppose I still don't know for sure that I'm not pregnant - I am supposed to get my period tomorrow - but everything points to it not being our month yet. Part of the reason I'm feeling so angry is because I now have to face months of not trying. Derek needs a break, and though I hate to admit it, so do I. I know next week I'll feel better about all this and the relief of not trying will come back, but I also know that in four weeks, when I get my period, I'll go through this again.

Waiting isn't half the battle, it's the ENTIRE battle.

You know how when you were a little kid at Christmas time you wanted to peek inside your gifts? Maybe you'd shake them around a bit to try and guess what's inside? You'd look for a little rip in the wrapping paper that might give you a little clue as to what it is? Sometimes you'd try and carefully peel the tape away and take a look inside because it was SOOOOOO hard to wait until Christmas Day!

That's me right now. I'm 10DPO and I really, really, really want to test. Even though I know it's probably too early, I still want to do it. I even said to myself the day of the IUI that this month I wouldn't even think about it, but nope, as soon as the second week rolls around, I start obsessing. Chances of a successful IUI go down the more you do, and my logical brain knows this, but my emotional brain keeps up that everlasting hope.

If I'm honest with myself, I realize that all the symptoms I have are ones that I have every month, so they don't mean anything. I'm getting mild cramps, which happens every month. My boobs are on FIRE, but that's totally normal too. But why is it that I convince myself that it's different this time?

I'm starting to prepare myself for moving on and taking a break for a few months. I do have things to look forward to this summer, and it will be nice to not be burdened by a thermometer, or OPKs, or doing IUIs, but I think I'll also miss it. I'll miss the hope.

Our last Two Week Wait for a while

Well, the deed is done and we're officially in the two week wait. I find myself feeling somewhat disconnected from it all this time, like I almost don't care either way if it works or not. I think part of that is because we have a plan if this doesn't work. After the IUI on Saturday, I made a follow up appointment with my doctor at the end of April to go over the next steps and discuss the tests I'll need to get done over the summer to prep for IVF. I'm also pretty excited to take a break. I didn't think I'd ever be excited to NOT try to conceive, but it's surprising how stressful it is. Getting rid of that stress for a few months is going to be a huge relief!

Let me start by saying that Derek's count was 25.3 million, which is fantastic. It's sort of all over the place it seems - hopefully that's normal! Now, about my IUI. You'd think the third would be easy breezy, but no can do. It was the worst by a large margin.

**Don't read if you're squeamish!**

As usual, the nurse went over exactly what the process is, showed me the catheter, and had me get comfortable. She inserted the speculum and told me she was going to start inserting the catheter. Pain like nothing else and intense cramps started radiating from my uterus - I think I almost broke Derek's hand at one point. She kept trying to shove that thing through my cervix (I'm sure she was actually being very, very gentle, but I was on the other side of it) and it just wouldn't go. She told me that she was able to get about two thirds through my cervix but not all the way through. I was starting to get worried that we would have to cancel, but she said she'd go and get the doctor.

Ever lie in a room with your pants off, legs spread wide open, with a speculum stuck up you? Not pleasant!

The doctor came in and, with a little maneuvering, was able to get the catheter through at last. My first thought after it was all done was if I can't take that amount of pain, how the hell am I supposed to get through childbirth? I guess we'll see when it happens, which it will (right?).

Happy Monday!

The second worst stick to pee on

Ovulation Predictor Kits. The waiting and anticipation for days on end, waiting for that test line that's darker then the control line, or your smiley face. Each time the test is negative, you refresh your resolve and look forward to testing the next day. If you're regular, like I am, you know around which day you'll ovulate and continue feeling somewhat positive, but those women with irregular cycles have my deepest sympathy. I could not imagine peeing on an OPK day after day with the hope of a positive, but such uncertainty every time. I've seen some women who have 90+ day cycles, with weeks of negative OPKs.

Anyhow, I use the Clearblue Digital OPK kit. It's a handy little kit, but expensive - $50 for seven tests. What I love most about it is the smiley face. If you haven't started your LH surge yet (indicates ovulation), you get an empty circle, but if you have...you get that oh so wonderful smiley face!

OPKs are generally used mid-day, somewhere between 2:00 pm and 8:00 pm, though there are always those exceptions that test best first thing in the morning. I test best mid-day, so that means I test at work. I covertly insert the test stick in to the reader at my desk, being sure to cover the wrapper with my garbage so no one sees it and wonders (it looks like a pregnancy test wrapper). I put the stick under my jacket in my armpit and go to the bathroom. I pee on the stick. I put it back in my armpit and walk back to my desk. I set it down next to my computer screen, hidden from passerby's.

*blink, blink, blink*

It's thinking....

*blink, blink, blink*

I keep glancing at it, looking for the smiley face...

*blink, blink, blink*

It's almost as bad as a pregnancy test!

*blink, blink, bl....

Wish us luck!

Cycle Day 10 Ultrasound

I went in for a cycle day 10 ultrasound yesterday morning. I requested this myself because I'm on my sixth Clomid cycle and I've never been monitored. Clomid is notorious for thinning the endometrial lining, so I wanted to double check.

My lining was 7mm - perfect - and I have three good follicles growing in there.

I think they were a bit confused about why I was there because the ultrasound tech said I needed to come back in two days...well, I'm not on injectables or triggering, and this was patient requested, so I'm not sure it's necessary. I only went in for my peace of mind, and since it looks like all is well, I don't feel the need to go in for a repeat.

Plus, it's $120 each ultrasound (man they must rake it in, my appointment was about 5 minutes!), and these costs add up fast. So far we've paid out $1200 for these treatments, with another $250 owing when we go in for the IUI this weekend. Can't wait for the cost of IVF...NOT!

Putting your life on hold while TTC

The big question: Do you put your life on hold because you might get pregnant?

Do you look for a new job if you are unhappy in your current job? Do you put off a vacation because you don't want to travel while pregnant? Do you stop running/cycling/swimming and give up summer races?

I'm facing all of these questions, and have been for years. I have to admit that I have put off things that I otherwise wouldn't have. I was wary about signing up for a half marathon at the end of May, and committing to a one week cycling training camp in Penticton in the same month. I did eventually sign up for both, but it took a lot of back and forth to get to that point.

What about looking for a new job? For Derek and I, if I were to get a new job, that might mean we hold off on the TTC game until I get comfortable in the new role and don't feel bad about taking maternity leave. Not to mention that I wouldn't get all of the same protection from a new job if I've been there for less then 12 months before I go on maternity leave (i.e. at most jobs, you must work at a job for 12 months before you are guaranteed a job when you return from maternity leave). It's a tough spot to be in, especially if you really do need to find a new job, but you feel like you're wasting time by not trying.

But then, what is more important? Who cares if I start a new job and three months later I'm pregnant? Isn't pregnancy and our family more important? Or is job security more important?

At what point do you stop putting things on hold and start living life again? How much hope do you have to lose before you get to the point that you continue to live your life because you know you won't be pregnant by then anyhow? I sure don't have the answer, and I doubt there is one.

The things we do to try and get knocked up.

Just to pass the time until the IUI, I've started thinking about the things we infertiles do to try and get pregnant. We've been trying for three years now, and let me tell you, there are a lot of suggestions out there about increasing your chances of a natural pregnancy. Not to mention all the advice you get from fertiles, who, though they are well meaning, often sort of miss the ball ("Oh, you've been trying for two and a half years? There are these little things called Ovulation Predictor Kits that you can use. I got pregnant my first month using one, so maybe it'll work for you!" or "You need to do it every day/every second day/twice a week when you're ovulating...are you having sex enough?").

Things I've given up somewhat or entirely:

Alcohol
Caffeine
Having cold feet (this is a Chinese Medicine thing)
Any pain medication other then Tylenol
Hard exercise in the two week wait

Things that I have done because they are supposed to help me get pregnant:


Acupuncture (there is actually a bit of science backing this one)
Yoga (this one too)
Meditation (this is more for my mental health)
Charting my temperature each morning at the same time
Ovulation Predictor Kits
Evening Primrose Oil
Vitex
Dong Quai
Omega 3-6-9
FertileCM
PreSeed
Instead Cups
SMEP (Sperm Meets Egg Plan)
Progesterone cream in the two week wait
Elevating my hips with a pillow after sex
Putting my legs up the wall after sex
Standing on my head after sex
Not getting out of bed for the night after sex, even though I had to pee SO BAD
Exercising less
Exercising more

Things that I have been told would help, but haven't tried:

Grapefruit juice (supposed to help with fertile cervical mucus)
Vitamin B6 (to increase the length of your LP)
Robitussin (again with the fertile CM)
Wild Yam
Baby carrots (yeah, this one's for my fellow infertiles over at Fertility Friend)

I will grant that I did get pregnant once (and had a miscarriage) while using PreSeed and an Instead Cup, though that was the second month I was on 50mg Clomid...so, it was likely the Clomid.

Next time, let's tally up the costs involved in trying to conceive! Those OPK's and pregnancy tests get expensive, especially when you're addicted to peeing on sticks like I am.

I also just wanted to throw this in - I found this when I was looking up the links for this post: The Little Deeper cushion.  I'm totally buying one.

The process has begun, yet again.

The fertility clinic finally called me back today to set everything up. I am to start taking my Clomid tonight and continue for five days. I start using my OPK's to detect my LH surge on March 22nd, and plan for the IUI somewhere between March 26 and 28. Going by my very predictable cycle, it'll be on the 27th.

I asked about an ultrasound to check on how things look in there as I'm getting ready to ovulate and she said the doctor doesn't think it's necessary, so I'd have to pay out of pocket. $120. I figure it's a pretty small price to pay for my own peace of mind. They'll be doing the ultrasound on cycle day 10, which is March 22nd (same day I start my OPK's).

I'm considering lowering my dose to 50mg instead of the 100mg I've been on for the past two cycles. I was told I was put on 100mg because that's "the standard" for IUI's, but I do ovulate on my own, so I'm a bit confused. Clomid has been shown to thin the endometrium (lining) with higher doses - hence my request for an ultrasound - so I'm slightly concerned. I start taking it at about 9 pm tonight, so I have about six hours to decide.

On to Lucky Number Three!

Hope springs eternal...oddly enough, I am hopeful for this cycle already. It has to work this time, right?

I just called and left a message at the fertility clinic letting them know I'm starting a new cycle and ready for round three. This time I've requested that I have an ultrasound just prior to ovulation. You see, Clomid is notorious for thinning the lining, and a thin lining does not make a comfortable cushion for an embryo. So, I want to see what's going on in there. I'm hoping it's not too expensive to do the ultrasound, but I'm betting on at least $200.

It's so weird how these first two weeks go by so fast, and the last two weeks draaaaaag on. Before you know it, it'll be IUI day, and then the horrible wait begins. Where you analyze every twinge and pain because it could mean implantation. Where you stab at your boobs so much you can't tell if they're tender from pregnancy, PMS or from stabbing at them so much. Where you lie in bed at night with your hands over your lower abdomen talking to your uterus and the possible little embryo in there, telling it to snuggle in and hoping beyond hope that something is working right in there. Where you get the urge to do a pregnancy test - one of the cheap online ones you buy in bags of 50 - when you're only five days past ovulation, even though you know it's WAY too early. And where you try not to think or stress about it, but, like that pink elephant (quick, what are you thinking about right now?), it's all you think about.

Here's to number three, lucky cycle number 37!

The hope and horror of test day

I had a plan for today, test day. I was going to get up with Derek, who was going to work today, do a CBE Digital Pregnancy test, jump back in bed, and let him wait and then tell me what it said. I've had dreams over the last week of him coming in and telling me I'm pregnant, regardless of the fact that I felt very little hope this month. Everything worked out and I was finally pregnant, right on lucky cycle 36. I had dreams that after exactly three years, the sperm finally met the egg and we were going to be parents!

I woke up at 6:30 am having to pee. I started peeing in to a cup to save my first morning urine for when we were both up. I wiped. There it was. My period, right on time.

So, the second IUI didn't work. We have one more, and then we take the entire summer off. I feel like I have to start preparing myself for the inevitable third failure and then brace myself for just not trying, when that's all I've been doing for three years. I know it's for the benefit of my mental health, but it's going to be so hard.

I guess the silver lining is that I didn't waste an expensive digital test today. Is that even a silver lining?

If only dreams were premonitions

Last night I had a vivid dream that when I did my pregnancy test this Sunday it was positive. It was a weird looking test, but it was a digital, and in a convoluted way it told me I was pregnant. It's hours later and I'm awake and I can still feel the joy and hope I felt in my dream.

I've decide that on Sunday morning we will wake up (Derek is working), I will POAS (pee on a stick) - a Clearblue digital I've already purchased three of - and then I'll crawl back in bed. Derek can wait for the results and then come and tell me what it says.

Honestly, I don't feel hopeful today. I've been crampy for three days now, and my boobs are really sore, but this is par for the course. It sucks that PMS is so similar to pregnancy symptoms.

In an effort to 'keep living my life', I registered for a half marathon this morning, and it'll happen on May 29. I've always been a runner, but have been slacking for a few months. I need to get back to something that'll help me destress.

The two week wait after IUI #2

So here I am, 10 DPO, after IUI #2 with a negative pregnancy test this morning. I had a lot of hope for this one, and know it's still early. When we did our first IUI last month, Derek's post wash sperm count was 7 million - a good enough number, but nothing exceptional.

This time his post wash count was 67 million, a dramatic increase. I was shocked when the nurse told me!

Both cycles I've been on 100mg of Clomid, though I ovulate on my own. I suppose they're trying to give the sperm more than one target, or trying to increase the quality of my eggs. I am not triggering, just using OPKs to detect ovulation.

If this one doesn't work, we have one more IUI on the books, and then we've decided to take three months off to re-focus and give my body a break. I am still not sure how I'm going to actually take a break, and how I'll deal with it emotionally. I just feel like us being parents will never happen, and taking a break is wasting precious time if it is going to happen. I'm 30 and feel like I'm getting too old, too fast. I don't want to be an old mom, and Derek doesn't want to be an old dad. He's put our deadline at his 34th birthday, which is just over four years from now. Considering we've been at this for three years already with no success, I feel like that's just not enough time.

But, I need a mental break. I feel myself getting depressed and anxious, and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I'm almost considering not doing the next IUI, though I know I will when it comes down to it.

I wish, wish, wish this would just happen already.

This blog.

This blog is for me, though you may find comfort in it too, knowing you're not alone. I've decided to share our ongoing struggle with fertility and our quest to have our first child together. We both desperately want to be parents and have not been successful in our three years of trying to conceive.

We started trying after my husband, Derek, graduated from his fire fighter training in May, 2007. He settled in to the Fire Department immediately and loves his job, especially his specialty (ha, see what I did there?), water rescue. I work in an office in Environment, and am not happy with where I am right now. I'm in the process of applying to enter a Masters of Arts program. Why? Because I'm trying not to put my life on hold.

We have one dog, Khuno, a husky/shepherd cross who we adopted after fostering him for the rescue organization we volunteer with. We also have an old, fat cat names Tiko.

We live in Calgary, Alberta in a nice, family neighborhood. Perfect for raising kids. Part of the reason we chose this house was because we expected to have a family soon. But, three years later and the house is still empty.

So, here I go with my blog. I hope we all find comfort in these written words.