Tin Man

A number of years ago, one of my sisters described me as the Tin Man. For most of my life, I've seemed stoic and unemotional to most of the world, when really I'm a frantic and frightening roller coaster of emotions on the inside. I usually cried alone unless the bottled up feelings exploded out in a mess of reactive and defensive emotions, like anger, coldness and anxiety, when really I was feeling hurt, jealous or neglected, but I couldn't process these difficult feelings. Years of this led to a resistance to showing vulnerability except to a certain few people. It also led to a number of related issues like eating disorders and addiction in my 20's. I've worked hard to better understand and work through my emotions so they don't continue to get the best of me, but being vulnerable is still difficult to overcome.

Experiencing infertility leaves you completely, unabashedly vulnerable. The easiest for me is the physical vulnerability - being at the mercy of doctors and nurses, often naked, usually with your most private areas being probed. It's the emotional vulnerability that hurts the most. We are very open about our infertility, and love it when people ask us questions to better understand. Sharing a sense of hope and positive future plans with others, and feeling the positive energy that generates from my friends and family, brings me a sense of joy and happiness. However the necessary sharing of bad news (and crying openly when doing so), and especially when asking for help, leaves me raw and exposed. My stomach churns, my heart is in my throat, and I struggle to make eye contact. I try to embrace it, to learn from it, because I know being vulnerable will make me a better person. But I struggle, which is what prompted this somewhat reflective blog post (which is interesting on further reflection, because I tend to write what I'm feeling rather than say it because I feel a sense of protection still).

We all struggle with this at some level, some more than others. My only point to this post is that whether your struggle with vulnerability is related to infertility or something completely different, it's ok. Be vulnerable. It makes you a better person on the other side.

I'll leave you with a Ted Talk on this subject that resonated with me - Brené Brown on The Power of Vulnerability: