Struggles with Infertility

Being a parent is not something that everyone has as a goal in life. But once you decide that you want to be a parent, and you are unable to, your life can either unravel, or you can try to find meaning in your struggles. This blog is me trying to find meaning.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Hope and Fear

Our seven year wedding anniversary was earlier this week (July 18). Derek took a long time to get around to proposing, so we have been together for more then double that, 15 years. The first time I got pregnant (that I knew of) was in 2007, right around the time Derek started with the fire department. Up until that time, we had never used any type of contraceptive, and I'm honestly not sure why I didn't think my not getting pregnant wasn't a big deal - maybe my mind just wasn't there yet. The day I found out I was pregnant I was bleeding heavily with what a thought was a really long, really bad period. At some point I figured I should probably take a pregnancy test, which I did, mid-day and at work, and it was blaringly positive. I left work and went to the hospital, had the requisite blood work and ultrasound done, and found that I was in the midst of my first documented miscarriage.


It was shortly after that loss that I began to track my cycles, and we agreed that maybe we should just go ahead and start trying to conceive. At our wedding in 2009, I remember thinking to myself that it would be just perfect if I became pregnant right around the same time, but a week after our wedding I got my period. Finally, in 2010, we started TTC in earnest, including working with the fertility clinic.


Despite the time that has gone by, and the losses we've endured, I still, sometimes, hold out hope each month. But when I think of what might happen past that positive pregnancy test, it's a fuzzy, scary black hole. I think it's inherent for us IF survivors, whether we do finally carry to term or not, to be fearful. The joy has been taken away and it makes me sad. I will never get to 'surprise' Derek with a positive test in a cute little gift box, blissfully unaware of what could happen a few weeks down the road. I will never go for just one pee-on-a-stick pregnancy confirmation test at the doctor's office, nor get a single blood test to confirm. I will never go for that first ultrasound full of joy, I will only be full of worry that there will be no heartbeat, that there is nothing there. The first 25+ weeks will be full of fear that I will lose the baby before viability, and then the months leading up to the birth will be full of the same fears plus the fear of birth complications. It won't stop there - I will be a helicopter mom, so worried that our precious prize from our hard fought battle will be hurt, injured, might die in childhood.


As we approach our last IVF, with my renewed hope that this new protocol might be what we need to stay pregnant, I think of these sorts of things and wonder if we can handle it. It's hard to rationalize these conflicting feelings - hope and fear - and I can only hope that the feelings of joy and love can overcome it all.