A little bit pregnant, but only for a minute

Last Monday, at 10 DPO, or four days past our transfer of two day six blastocysts, I got a clear but faint positive on an FRER. Thus, the frenzy began and I peed on everything (hide yo kids, hide yo wife!), multiple times a day. By Wednesday, 12 DPO, I had such a dark line I decided to call the fertility clinic and beg to go in for an early beta (seriously, they had me down to have my first beta July 1st - tomorrow!). The nurse agreed and I practically ran over to the nearest lab, hopes high, certain that this was it. I had never, ever had such a dark test so early. I mean, look at this:

12 DPO, not even first thing in the morning, this is around lunch time.

After a three hour wait the nurse called me with my beta. 12. 12! I was pregnant, but only a little bit. And holy cow do these FRER's detect low levels of hcg. Reassuring myself that a beta of 12 at 12 DPO was perfectly fine, I told the nurse I'd go in on Friday for my repeat.

Unfortunately, Wednesday seems to have been the peak. My tests on Thursday were slightly lighter. I rationalized this by telling myself that the dye in each FRER is different, it's a normal variation, tomorrow will be better.

Friday was lighter. And by Sunday morning, it was so light I called it negative. Loss number seven. I called the fertility clinic yesterday and let them know, and when they asked if we wanted to schedule a follow up with our fertility doctor, I said no. Really, what's the point.

But we are not done. We have plans, and those plans include moving to a new clinic (Victoria), running comprehensive immunology and genetic panels on both of us, and getting as many genetically normal embryos banked (frozen) over the next 12-18 months as possible. And then we decide if we give it another shot on our own (can we handle another loss?) or move to other options, like surrogacy. Either way, we haven't given up yet. Dum Spiro Spero.

Dum Spiro Spero

"While I breathe, I hope." That was what was written on the silver bracelet I was wearing today for my transfer, along with a really awesome pair of purple unicorn knee high socks. Through this journey I've developed many friendships with other women who also struggled to start their families. Despite most of them finding their way to motherhood over the years, they still support those of us in the trenches while we still pursue this dream. Thank you to those wonderful women - this picture is for you:

We arrived at the clinic at 11:20 am, me downing water to try and fill up my bladder, Derek belting out "We're gonna make a baby the expensive way" in a Scottish accent (don't ask). Standing in line to check in, the fire alarm started going off. Despite this, I was calm and confident, and when the alarm was shut off less than 10 minutes later, we were still on schedule.

My acupuncturist was already there waiting for us and we were lead in to a room with a reclining chair. We signed all the paperwork, only then being told that both of our frozen blasts had survived thaw and were in great condition. I relaxed with some needles in various places while my bladder quickly filled up and we waited for the call to go to the transfer room.

You can't see them, but I have needles everywhere, including my abdomen.

 At exactly noon, we were led to the transfer room and given this picture:

Our day six blasts were rated 5BB and 5BA. The clinic uses the Gardner grading system, so these were both "(5) Hatching out of the shell", several celled, loosely grouped, and one was forming a loose epithelium while the other was forming a cohesive layer. But the coolest part was when she showed them live on the screen before taking them up in the catheter. They were both very clearly hatching, and we were seeing it in real time. It was a bit emotional.

Despite issues I've had in the past with doctors getting through my cervix, my very overfull bladder seemed to straighten everything out and the RE got through with minimal cramping. Using ultrasound, they guided the catheter in, prepped the blastocysts, and did the transfer. The green cross over the white spot in this picture is where the blasts landed (the catheter is that white line below and to the left), which we watched in real time. Amazing.

After 10 minutes on the bed letting things settle I was able to go pee (longest pee I have EVER had in my life considering I didn't want to push it out too hard), then back to the recliner for another 20 minutes with the needles before we left at 1 pm. It's all over, after years of waiting. It's happened.

And now we wait. See you on the other side of the two week wait.

Checkmark. Transfer date is set!

My uterus has not failed me, nor have the twice daily doses of estrogen. Today my lining is at 10mm, and is trilaminar. A trilaminar endometrium is the ideal state for this phase of my cycle, and ensures a receptive environment for embryos. According to the research, "At the time of embryo transfer, it is favorable to have an endometrium of a thickness of between 7 and 14 mm with a triple-line configuration...".

So, transfer is scheduled for one week from today, June 18th. In preparation, I soon stop the five times a day Suprefact nasal spray, continue with twice a day estrogen, and start vaginal progesterone thrice daily, starting five days before transfer. 

During my meeting with the nurse today, I had her bring up the information about our blastocysts. We have a 5BB and 5BA. The '5' represents the type of embryo (blastocyst), the first letter represents the degree of fragmentation (A meaning little or no fragmentation, C meaning lots of fragmentation), and the second letter is the overall grade. We have one average blast and one above average blast. I asked about thaw success rates, and the nurse reassured me that success rates for blasts are the highest of all at the clinic, and it is very, very unlikely that we will lose one or both. Then she asked if we were ready for twins.

I know it's going to be a slow week to get to Thursday, but one of the longest waits I've ever experienced in my life is the time between transfer and pregnancy test. Thank goodness it's summer.

T-9 Days Until Ultrasound (but not the exciting kind, yet)

Here we are, day 18 of Suprefact, day five of Estrace (estrogen) and baby aspirin, day four of an antibiotic, nine days from an ultrasound to check my lining, and ~14 days from embryo transfer.

I'm almost in shock that it's actually here and finally happening. I keep expecting something to go awry, but so far, so good, and no historical issues with lining development to cause me to worry. Granted, I'm emotionally tired most days (though generally in a good mood, lucky for Derek), I've been having headaches, and oh man, the hot flashes, but despite those minor inconveniences, I'm feeling pretty good about all of this. The addition of Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), acupuncture, and a Qi Gong healing session over the weekend from Derek's lovely Aunt Shirley seem to be helping with the anxiety and worry. I feel good. I feel confident even! This might work!

Of course, it also might not work. There are still things that can go wrong (i.e. the whole embryo thaw process is one of those things that is unknown), but my overall positive outlook, and the fact that I'm pretty busy with life in general, override my minds ability to dwell too much.

Almost there. And hopefully 'there' is just the beginning of the journey.