A little bit pregnant, but only for a minute

Last Monday, at 10 DPO, or four days past our transfer of two day six blastocysts, I got a clear but faint positive on an FRER. Thus, the frenzy began and I peed on everything (hide yo kids, hide yo wife!), multiple times a day. By Wednesday, 12 DPO, I had such a dark line I decided to call the fertility clinic and beg to go in for an early beta (seriously, they had me down to have my first beta July 1st - tomorrow!). The nurse agreed and I practically ran over to the nearest lab, hopes high, certain that this was it. I had never, ever had such a dark test so early. I mean, look at this:

12 DPO, not even first thing in the morning, this is around lunch time.

After a three hour wait the nurse called me with my beta. 12. 12! I was pregnant, but only a little bit. And holy cow do these FRER's detect low levels of hcg. Reassuring myself that a beta of 12 at 12 DPO was perfectly fine, I told the nurse I'd go in on Friday for my repeat.

Unfortunately, Wednesday seems to have been the peak. My tests on Thursday were slightly lighter. I rationalized this by telling myself that the dye in each FRER is different, it's a normal variation, tomorrow will be better.

Friday was lighter. And by Sunday morning, it was so light I called it negative. Loss number seven. I called the fertility clinic yesterday and let them know, and when they asked if we wanted to schedule a follow up with our fertility doctor, I said no. Really, what's the point.

But we are not done. We have plans, and those plans include moving to a new clinic (Victoria), running comprehensive immunology and genetic panels on both of us, and getting as many genetically normal embryos banked (frozen) over the next 12-18 months as possible. And then we decide if we give it another shot on our own (can we handle another loss?) or move to other options, like surrogacy. Either way, we haven't given up yet. Dum Spiro Spero.