Another Loss

Apologies for not updating, but it's been a rough few days and we've been pretty busy at the same time.

I went in on Monday for another beta with hopes that I'd see something around 1000+, considering my decently rising betas from the previous draws. The lab tech butchered me (seriously, you should see my arms, I look like a junky because he couldn't get a vein) and in my possibly sticky pregnant lady obsession, I decided to go to the walk in clinic immediately after and ask for an ultrasound.

I went to the same clinic I went to on Saturday but saw a different doctor. Again, everyone was awesome (if you're looking for a good walk in in NW Calgary, I know a place!). He ordered an ultrasound and had the nurse phone around until she found me an appointment that day at 1 pm.

The spotting had stopped again for about 24 hours, and I had zero cramping, so I was still positive. But, when the ultrasound tech was doing the transvaginal and obviously wasn't focusing on one area (I couldn't see the screen), was asking me questions like "Have you actually had blood work to confirm?", and said to clean myself up and wait for the radiologist to come in and talk to me, I knew it was bad news.

He came in with my most recent lab work - my beta dropped to 120. He said there was nothing in the uterus, and as far as they could see, nothing in the tube. I am thankful it's not an ectopic, but of course, loss number six is hard to take. Those damn beta numbers made me way too hopeful when it's obvious something is wrong in there and I just can't hold on to a pregnancy.

I think, for my mental health (as well as Derek's), we are just going to prevent for a few months. As in, birth control and/or condoms. Every month we hope, every month we grieve, and then about once a year the hope/grieve cycle is about 1000 times worse and drags out for a few weeks. It's just too much.

In the meantime, we have started our adoption training seminars. Last night's topic was loss and grief. We did an exercise where we talked about our most recent loss (in general, not just related to infertility). Luckily, I was in a group with two other women so my tears were met with sympathy and hugs. It felt sort of nice to have that kind of support from total strangers, and to know I'm not alone in my sadness and sense of loss.

Having the adoption training to focus on and look forward to keeps us, especially me, going. It'll happen one day, we both know it, it'll just take perseverance and time.

Beta Number Four

I had what I would call light flow yesterday, and that combined with some mild right sided pain made me head to the walk in clinic yesterday evening. Normally, with a walk in clinic, you see a grumpy, overworked doctor who doesn't give you any answers. I was pleased to get the exact opposite!

The wait was a short 20 minutes and this grizzled white haired man in his 60's walks in to the room and asks what the problem is. I say 'I'm about five and a half weeks pregnant and bleeding....' Before I can go any further, he interrupts me with 'Bleeding is very common in pregnancy, blah, blah, the way we tell if a pregnancy is progressing normally is to draw blood tests for beta hcg every two days...'. I interrupted him this time and told him I had had multiple beta's done, including one on Monday and one on Friday, though I didn't have the results from Friday yet. He hops up and says 'Well, we can do something about that...follow me!' and led me to his office.

He pulled up my electronic chart and my beta on Friday was 449, with a doubling time of about 62 hours! He said that although I'm bleeding - which is very normal - the numbers look perfect and since I'm not having severe cramping, I should try to relax. He noted that we are not out of the woods yet, of course, but so far, so good. His exact words were 'If you were my daughter, I wouldn't be sleeping soundly until you passed 14 weeks'.

Just to recap, my beta's are:

August 13 - 8
August 18 - 41
August 20 - 158
August 24 - 449

Now I'm stuck trying to decide if I want to go in for another beta tomorrow, or just go in to see my GP on Tuesday and wait for an ultrasound later this week. These betas drive me crazy, but the next number will give me a better indication of viability. Or, we can continue on in happy bliss for another week until it either looks good on the ultrasound or it all comes crashing down. I'm also at risk for ectopic, so it might be worthwhile to keep an eye on my beta's ongoing just in case. Ugh, waiting and decisions, waiting and decisions....

20 DPO Beta

I went in for my 20 DPO beta and it came back at....158! So in two days, my beta jumped from 41 to 158, which is a doubling time of around 24 hours. 'They' look for a doubling time of 48 to 72 hours, so this made me a bit more optimistic. However, the number is still low for how far along I should be and we are doing a repeat today. Unfortunately, we won't get the results until Monday.

I did a CBE Digital with Conception Indicator yesterday evening after I got home from my work trip (I was out on a drilling rig all week) and it popped up as 2-3 weeks past conception (so 4 to 5 weeks pregnant) after a 2.5 hour hold, so my beta is still rising. My FRER this morning has the test line darker than the control. All good signs!

But, I'm spotting. I have been for seven days now. It comes and goes, and is enough that I need to wear a panty liner. It started as brown/tan, but about three days ago turned pink/red. I also have mild cramps, which I know are 100% normal as long as they don't get really bad. I am praying for a bleeding cyst or irritated cervix or something and that all is well.

When I call on Monday for my beta numbers I will line up an appointment with the doctor on Tuesday. I'm assuming she'll confirm pregnancy and then give me a requisition for an ultrasound.

Please, everyone, keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I know we have a lot of people doing that already, so all we ask as that you keep doing what you're doing!

Update

My beta came back at 41 (at 18 DPO), which is really, really low. Too low to really think positive, if I'm completely honest with myself. We would have been looking for something between 200 and 300, but 41? No way.

I'll head in for another beta today and will try to post the results tomorrow some time. I'm heading out of town for work first thing tomorrow morning, returning on Thursday night. I'll go in for another beta on Friday and make sure the numbers start going down instead of up. Fingers crossed for a natural resolution to all this - I really don't want to have to take methotrexate or get a D&C!

Thank you everyone for all the support - my real life friends and family as well as my online friends. Derek and I are so, so lucky that we have such a wonderful support system in our lives. You are the reason we get through this!

The universe has to be testing me for some reason.

I mean, if it wasn't, why would I get this FRER at 13 DPO?

Yup, that's a positive pregnancy test. For the sixth time. It's actually pretty decent for 13 DPO, the day before I am supposed to get my period. Excited, I called my doctor and asked for a beta. It was eight. EIGHT! Very low for 13 DPO and likely a chemical pregnancy. In fact, I assumed my beta was on it's way down, which was confirmed the next day when my pregnancy test was lighter. 

Anticipating that the lines would disappear quickly, I continued to test to make sure things were moving in the right direction. Well, they aren't. They're getting darker again, though no where near as dark as they should be. 

Here's my IC progression. From top to bottom (14 DPO - you can only see half of it, 14 DPO pm, 15 DPO pm, 17 DPO pm, 18 DPO am, 18 DPO pm, and today, 19 DPO am):

And my FRER this morning at 19 DPO:

I went in to the ER yesterday and they ran another beta, though there was no use trying an ultrasound as it's way too early. I'm hoping for the beta numbers today, but am obviously planning for the worst. I'm spotting and cramping and am sure the end is near.

The way I see it, the universe MUST be preparing us for something by testing our resilience to horrible circumstances like this. If we can continue to get through these disappointments, one day we'll be rewarded with a child of our own, whether biological or not. That's how I keep looking forward and staying positive. One day it'll be our turn.