Another Loss

Apologies for not updating, but it's been a rough few days and we've been pretty busy at the same time.

I went in on Monday for another beta with hopes that I'd see something around 1000+, considering my decently rising betas from the previous draws. The lab tech butchered me (seriously, you should see my arms, I look like a junky because he couldn't get a vein) and in my possibly sticky pregnant lady obsession, I decided to go to the walk in clinic immediately after and ask for an ultrasound.

I went to the same clinic I went to on Saturday but saw a different doctor. Again, everyone was awesome (if you're looking for a good walk in in NW Calgary, I know a place!). He ordered an ultrasound and had the nurse phone around until she found me an appointment that day at 1 pm.

The spotting had stopped again for about 24 hours, and I had zero cramping, so I was still positive. But, when the ultrasound tech was doing the transvaginal and obviously wasn't focusing on one area (I couldn't see the screen), was asking me questions like "Have you actually had blood work to confirm?", and said to clean myself up and wait for the radiologist to come in and talk to me, I knew it was bad news.

He came in with my most recent lab work - my beta dropped to 120. He said there was nothing in the uterus, and as far as they could see, nothing in the tube. I am thankful it's not an ectopic, but of course, loss number six is hard to take. Those damn beta numbers made me way too hopeful when it's obvious something is wrong in there and I just can't hold on to a pregnancy.

I think, for my mental health (as well as Derek's), we are just going to prevent for a few months. As in, birth control and/or condoms. Every month we hope, every month we grieve, and then about once a year the hope/grieve cycle is about 1000 times worse and drags out for a few weeks. It's just too much.

In the meantime, we have started our adoption training seminars. Last night's topic was loss and grief. We did an exercise where we talked about our most recent loss (in general, not just related to infertility). Luckily, I was in a group with two other women so my tears were met with sympathy and hugs. It felt sort of nice to have that kind of support from total strangers, and to know I'm not alone in my sadness and sense of loss.

Having the adoption training to focus on and look forward to keeps us, especially me, going. It'll happen one day, we both know it, it'll just take perseverance and time.