Struggles with Infertility

Being a parent is not something that everyone has as a goal in life. But once you decide that you want to be a parent, and you are unable to, your life can either unravel, or you can try to find meaning in your struggles. This blog is me trying to find meaning.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

The universe has to be testing me for some reason.

I mean, if it wasn't, why would I get this FRER at 13 DPO?


Yup, that's a positive pregnancy test. For the sixth time. It's actually pretty decent for 13 DPO, the day before I am supposed to get my period. Excited, I called my doctor and asked for a beta. It was eight. EIGHT! Very low for 13 DPO and likely a chemical pregnancy. In fact, I assumed my beta was on it's way down, which was confirmed the next day when my pregnancy test was lighter. 

Anticipating that the lines would disappear quickly, I continued to test to make sure things were moving in the right direction. Well, they aren't. They're getting darker again, though no where near as dark as they should be. 

Here's my IC progression. From top to bottom (14 DPO - you can only see half of it, 14 DPO pm, 15 DPO pm, 17 DPO pm, 18 DPO am, 18 DPO pm, and today, 19 DPO am):


And my FRER this morning at 19 DPO:


I went in to the ER yesterday and they ran another beta, though there was no use trying an ultrasound as it's way too early. I'm hoping for the beta numbers today, but am obviously planning for the worst. I'm spotting and cramping and am sure the end is near.

The way I see it, the universe MUST be preparing us for something by testing our resilience to horrible circumstances like this. If we can continue to get through these disappointments, one day we'll be rewarded with a child of our own, whether biological or not. That's how I keep looking forward and staying positive. One day it'll be our turn.

2 comments:

  1. So many hugs for you. I hate that you are on this roller coaster. You are so amazingly strong.

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  2. They weren't able to give you the beta results before you left the ER? I can tell you, the lab probably had it done within half an hour! So frustrating, and I'm so sorry you're being put through so much.

    Hoping with all my heart that you get your turn soon, one way or another.

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