My final grades are in and my thesis is complete and approved. I am done grad school. It's hard to believe the end has arrived and my evenings and weekends are mine again! What have I done since I handed in my last assignment? Anything I felt like! Such a surreal feeling.
Right now I'm focusing on me and us. Work continues to be hectic and I had a really fantastic annual performance review last week that both excites and terrifies me. I've registered for a February half marathon - training starts in a couple of weeks - and have plans for a full marathon in the summer (I am so far beyond not planning these things 'just in case' I get pregnant, ya know?) I'm on my road bike twice a week training with Speed Theory all winter and we've started Bikram yoga again. It's so nice to have time to do on these activities again.
Winter is here (I'm watching the snow fall outside the living room window as I type) and I'm looking forward to Christmas in Hawaii. Derek and I agreed to take a few months of downtime after I finished school to let my body destress before we pursue our FET. Our previously agreed upon timeline is a March/April transfer, after we spend a week in Mexico for a friend's wedding (I'm a bridesmaid) in early February. However, the stress of school, work, IF, and life in general, has taken it's toll. Derek and I are back in therapy after some tough times while I was away for my residency in October. So far, so good, and we're talking about the future (a good thing), but our FET timeline might be in a bit of limbo. We need to make sure we're both in the right place before we pursue anything.
Right now it's just time to relax. Hey, maybe I'll be an urban legend with all this relaxing I'm doing! Pfft!
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Long Awaited Update
It's been a few months since I've posted and I've had a few requests, so I suppose it's time for an update.
The summer is speeding by while I work on finalizing and submitting my thesis. I spent most of the first half on 2013 doing field research and data collection, and the last couple of months writing and re-writing. My draft is currently being reviewed and I'm on track for meeting my submission deadline of September 18. My third and final residency begins the last week of September and, fingers crossed, I will be done my Masters on November 1.
On top of this, work has been crazy. I have been run off my feet working 10+ hour days most of the week, but thankfully our hiring efforts are paying off and I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was advised the other week that I'll be getting a promotion and corresponding raise early next year, so my hard work is paying off nicely. Add to that a knee injury for Derek in March and his being off work for surgeries and rehabilitation, as well as my efforts to actually do a few road races this summer (cycling), and I've hardly had time to think about TTC.
So where does that leave us? Originally we planned to do our FET last November. We postponed that to this November based on my wanting to focus on my research without distractions. That date is getting pushed out again - I need a de-stress month, then we're going to Hawaii for Christmas, a destination wedding in early February, and suddenly we're looking at March. By that time life will have calmed down and I can focus on the FET. However, if it doesn't work...?
Well, we're at a decision point, and we've been talking about our options. We've had a semi-plan to travel to Victoria and buy in to the three cycle package. VFC is willing to work and provide treatment for patients with potential immune system issues, like me, and I've had a Skype consultation with Dr. Hudson already. But my upcoming promotion as well as discussions at work and home about my prospects for overseas work is playing a part in a potential change in plans.
I can now see my life as being complete and fulfilling without children. We're both seriously considering living child free. I don't think I'm 100% there, I still have days where I feel that there is no way I can't continue to give it my all, but then there are days where I'm at peace with not having kids, and Derek feels the same. It's just so sad and unfortunate that this 'choice' isn't really a choice at this point, at it's most basic. We've been forced, through years of disappointment and grief, to make a decision. The final decision hasn't been made yet, but it's definitely under review.
The summer is speeding by while I work on finalizing and submitting my thesis. I spent most of the first half on 2013 doing field research and data collection, and the last couple of months writing and re-writing. My draft is currently being reviewed and I'm on track for meeting my submission deadline of September 18. My third and final residency begins the last week of September and, fingers crossed, I will be done my Masters on November 1.
On top of this, work has been crazy. I have been run off my feet working 10+ hour days most of the week, but thankfully our hiring efforts are paying off and I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was advised the other week that I'll be getting a promotion and corresponding raise early next year, so my hard work is paying off nicely. Add to that a knee injury for Derek in March and his being off work for surgeries and rehabilitation, as well as my efforts to actually do a few road races this summer (cycling), and I've hardly had time to think about TTC.
So where does that leave us? Originally we planned to do our FET last November. We postponed that to this November based on my wanting to focus on my research without distractions. That date is getting pushed out again - I need a de-stress month, then we're going to Hawaii for Christmas, a destination wedding in early February, and suddenly we're looking at March. By that time life will have calmed down and I can focus on the FET. However, if it doesn't work...?
Well, we're at a decision point, and we've been talking about our options. We've had a semi-plan to travel to Victoria and buy in to the three cycle package. VFC is willing to work and provide treatment for patients with potential immune system issues, like me, and I've had a Skype consultation with Dr. Hudson already. But my upcoming promotion as well as discussions at work and home about my prospects for overseas work is playing a part in a potential change in plans.
I can now see my life as being complete and fulfilling without children. We're both seriously considering living child free. I don't think I'm 100% there, I still have days where I feel that there is no way I can't continue to give it my all, but then there are days where I'm at peace with not having kids, and Derek feels the same. It's just so sad and unfortunate that this 'choice' isn't really a choice at this point, at it's most basic. We've been forced, through years of disappointment and grief, to make a decision. The final decision hasn't been made yet, but it's definitely under review.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Laparoscopies and hysteroscopies and HSG's and D&C's, oh my!
On Monday at 5:30 a.m. I arrived at the Foothills hospital for exploratory slash diagnostic surgery on my reproductive bits. We started with the time consuming admissions process as soon as we arrived and I was shuttled to the waiting room outside the operating suite by 7:15. The anaesthesiologist (boo yeah, spelled that right the first time!) came for a chat about my history of being knocked the eff out (medically, not physically) and I mentioned to him that I have difficult veins. And when I say they're difficult, I mean they are jerks. They look like they're right there, but they're tricking you. They tricked this guy into poking my six times before he finally got in to a vein. Yet again, I've got that junkie look going on.
By that time I'd been walked in to the operating room and had both arms splayed out and strapped down. Dr. Foong has done the briefing and now I've been injected with something nice and relaxing and wow, look at how the ceiling tiles are moving and this is sooo...zzzzzz...
I woke up in the recovery room around 10:15 with some pretty decent pain. I remember telling the nurse that it felt like a 6 or 7 out of ten and she kept pumping me full of morphine until it was all a lovely fog. By the time I was moved to my own room, I felt much, much better, but they gave me an oxycontin anyhow. Great service and great nurses. However, when Derek picked me up at noon-ish, I was nauseous to the point of not being able to really move. From the drugs or general, I'm not sure, but that was the worst I've ever felt after a procedure, ugh. I spent the rest of the day on the couch with a bucket and went to bed early.
Because work is hellishly busy I was back to the grind the next day (yesterday). Luckily, I mostly sit at a desk, but the gas pain in my shoulders and under my diaphragm were more than uncomfortable and I was glad for the T3's. Today, the second day after the surgery, I feel better but still sore, and when I went for my follow up, Dr. Foong told me I'm a trooper because most patients are still at home on percocet's at this point.
The diagnosis? Everything is clean as a whistle. No endometriosis, no adhesions, ovaries look healthy, my remaining tube - old righty - is clear, good healing where they removed my left tube. The only somewhat significant finding, which we already sort of knew, is that my uterus is severely tilted forward. So much so that when she was doing the hysteroscopy, she said she was almost laying on the floor so she could angle the camera in to my uterus properly. This shouldn't affect fertility, it can just cause issues with passing catheters through the cervix during procedures, which we've already had lots of experience with.
Since we're not really doing anything medically until November-ish, we're doing the 'not trying, not preventing' thing until then. She agreed to write me a prescription for DHEA - it's a prescription in Canada and the clinic has to have it specially made because it's not available here - and also has me on CoQ10. There is some evidence that both of these promote healthy development of eggs in certain types of people (FYI, don't take this without talking to your RE if you have PCOS), and it's sort of a can't hurt, might help thing for now. I have three month's worth, so we'll see what happens.
Otherwise, all squared away for the rest of the year. We're coming due for another 'natural' pregnancy, which seems to happen once a year, so we're on the immediate attention list at the fertility clinic, as I'm at high risk for ectopics. We're still holding out hope for a successful natural pregnancy, as many IFers do deep in their hearts, but at least we can still look forward to the FET this fall.
By that time I'd been walked in to the operating room and had both arms splayed out and strapped down. Dr. Foong has done the briefing and now I've been injected with something nice and relaxing and wow, look at how the ceiling tiles are moving and this is sooo...zzzzzz...
I woke up in the recovery room around 10:15 with some pretty decent pain. I remember telling the nurse that it felt like a 6 or 7 out of ten and she kept pumping me full of morphine until it was all a lovely fog. By the time I was moved to my own room, I felt much, much better, but they gave me an oxycontin anyhow. Great service and great nurses. However, when Derek picked me up at noon-ish, I was nauseous to the point of not being able to really move. From the drugs or general, I'm not sure, but that was the worst I've ever felt after a procedure, ugh. I spent the rest of the day on the couch with a bucket and went to bed early.
Because work is hellishly busy I was back to the grind the next day (yesterday). Luckily, I mostly sit at a desk, but the gas pain in my shoulders and under my diaphragm were more than uncomfortable and I was glad for the T3's. Today, the second day after the surgery, I feel better but still sore, and when I went for my follow up, Dr. Foong told me I'm a trooper because most patients are still at home on percocet's at this point.
The diagnosis? Everything is clean as a whistle. No endometriosis, no adhesions, ovaries look healthy, my remaining tube - old righty - is clear, good healing where they removed my left tube. The only somewhat significant finding, which we already sort of knew, is that my uterus is severely tilted forward. So much so that when she was doing the hysteroscopy, she said she was almost laying on the floor so she could angle the camera in to my uterus properly. This shouldn't affect fertility, it can just cause issues with passing catheters through the cervix during procedures, which we've already had lots of experience with.
Since we're not really doing anything medically until November-ish, we're doing the 'not trying, not preventing' thing until then. She agreed to write me a prescription for DHEA - it's a prescription in Canada and the clinic has to have it specially made because it's not available here - and also has me on CoQ10. There is some evidence that both of these promote healthy development of eggs in certain types of people (FYI, don't take this without talking to your RE if you have PCOS), and it's sort of a can't hurt, might help thing for now. I have three month's worth, so we'll see what happens.
Otherwise, all squared away for the rest of the year. We're coming due for another 'natural' pregnancy, which seems to happen once a year, so we're on the immediate attention list at the fertility clinic, as I'm at high risk for ectopics. We're still holding out hope for a successful natural pregnancy, as many IFers do deep in their hearts, but at least we can still look forward to the FET this fall.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Random Spring Update
I say spring, but looking out the front window at ~20 cm's of snow makes me feel differently.
There hasn't been an update for a few months because we've been in a holding pattern (still in two week intervals despite not officially TTC right now) and I've been focused on work and school the last few months. However, two fairly relevant events have happened.
First, we are done our homestudy through the public adoption system. We ended up with three visits of 2 to 3 hours with the homestudy worker and are expecting our draft report in the next few weeks. We have decided to do 'child-specific' (for S) with the option to amend in 2014 to a general homestudy for our age range (which is 0 to 7). On the topic of S, as far as we are aware, she is back with mom full time with no supervisory order. I won't elaborate, but I can say that my faith in the system is broken. While I understand the goal of Child and Family Services is to keep families together, they are not providing the tools S and her mother need to ensure this transition is successful. Rather, they depend on her respite families like Derek and I, and members of Derek's family, to provide that to S and her mother, not just emotionally and physically, but financially as well. So, we just wait and see. Story of our life.
Secondly, I go in for a laparoscopy, D&C and hysteroscopy tomorrow morning to look for endometriosis, scar tissue from my ectopic and fallopian tube removal, and to clean things out a bit. I've had this surgery before and know what to expect. I'll show up at 5:30 am (ugh), sit in the hospital bed for a couple of hours while they insert the IV (last time they popped a vein - gah!) and do all the paper work, then get walked in to the OR. I'm put under general, so they strap my arms to the bed as they get my legs in position and give me a good shot of valium. Nice and relaxed, they tell me to count backwards from 100...I think I made it to 97 last time. I woke up in recovery an hour later and made my way home around noon. I only yesterday remembered the aggravation (and pain) of the gas they use to inflate the abdomen trying to escape through my impermeable shoulders, so my grand plan to use this opportunity to work on my research is kaiboshed as I'll be horizontal all day. Following this, the doctor will give me a prescription for DHEA (yes, it's prescription here in Canada) and we'll start actively TTC for the summer while waiting for me to finish my thesis and get ready for our FET in November.
I have another update related to our February Skype call with Dr. Hudson at the Victoria Fertility Clinic that I'll try and post tomorrow as I'm laid up. The long and short of it is if our FET fails this November, we're moving to VFC and doing the three IVF plan. 2014 is looking to be a busy year, though I hope it's busy for one reason - like pregnancy resulting from the FET - over another.
There hasn't been an update for a few months because we've been in a holding pattern (still in two week intervals despite not officially TTC right now) and I've been focused on work and school the last few months. However, two fairly relevant events have happened.
First, we are done our homestudy through the public adoption system. We ended up with three visits of 2 to 3 hours with the homestudy worker and are expecting our draft report in the next few weeks. We have decided to do 'child-specific' (for S) with the option to amend in 2014 to a general homestudy for our age range (which is 0 to 7). On the topic of S, as far as we are aware, she is back with mom full time with no supervisory order. I won't elaborate, but I can say that my faith in the system is broken. While I understand the goal of Child and Family Services is to keep families together, they are not providing the tools S and her mother need to ensure this transition is successful. Rather, they depend on her respite families like Derek and I, and members of Derek's family, to provide that to S and her mother, not just emotionally and physically, but financially as well. So, we just wait and see. Story of our life.
Secondly, I go in for a laparoscopy, D&C and hysteroscopy tomorrow morning to look for endometriosis, scar tissue from my ectopic and fallopian tube removal, and to clean things out a bit. I've had this surgery before and know what to expect. I'll show up at 5:30 am (ugh), sit in the hospital bed for a couple of hours while they insert the IV (last time they popped a vein - gah!) and do all the paper work, then get walked in to the OR. I'm put under general, so they strap my arms to the bed as they get my legs in position and give me a good shot of valium. Nice and relaxed, they tell me to count backwards from 100...I think I made it to 97 last time. I woke up in recovery an hour later and made my way home around noon. I only yesterday remembered the aggravation (and pain) of the gas they use to inflate the abdomen trying to escape through my impermeable shoulders, so my grand plan to use this opportunity to work on my research is kaiboshed as I'll be horizontal all day. Following this, the doctor will give me a prescription for DHEA (yes, it's prescription here in Canada) and we'll start actively TTC for the summer while waiting for me to finish my thesis and get ready for our FET in November.
I have another update related to our February Skype call with Dr. Hudson at the Victoria Fertility Clinic that I'll try and post tomorrow as I'm laid up. The long and short of it is if our FET fails this November, we're moving to VFC and doing the three IVF plan. 2014 is looking to be a busy year, though I hope it's busy for one reason - like pregnancy resulting from the FET - over another.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
It's not your fault
Here's the thing: it's human nature to find blame when something goes wrong. When it comes to fertility issues, you try to blame things like biology, second hand smoke, the chlamydia you got (and took care of) when you were a teenager, or the amount of time your husband spends sitting on a bike. I understand the need to find meaning, to find a cause and fix it, but unfortunately what that often means is that you're blaming yourself. Blaming yourself seems like the only logical way to deal with the pain and anger that comes along with infertility - you internalize it. And I'm talking to you men with MFI as well. Stop beating yourself up, stop looking into the past, regretting mistakes (that made you who you are today) and start looking forward.
Easier said then done, I know, and I'm not there yet either. But what you can do is not allow others to place the blame on you either. When someone tells you to 'just relax', what they're really saying is 'if only you would stop doing ______, you would get pregnant (or stay pregnant)'. It's assumed that you or your partner must be doing 'something wrong', and if only you would raise your hips, use OPK's, have more sex, time sex better, 'get the job done', or whatever, you would get your take home baby. Unfortunately, many of the people we confide in about our struggles can not empathize (though if you do have a fellow IFer in real life, one who remains an IFer even after succeeding, hold on to them) and can only offer misguided advice. Usually it's with good intentions, so don't fault them, but don't let it drag you down either. They just don't understand and (likely) never will.
Be stong, fellow IFers. No, your time may never come, though I hope for a take home baby for each and every one of you. But in the meantime, during this painful journey, be kind to yourself. It's not your fault.
Easier said then done, I know, and I'm not there yet either. But what you can do is not allow others to place the blame on you either. When someone tells you to 'just relax', what they're really saying is 'if only you would stop doing ______, you would get pregnant (or stay pregnant)'. It's assumed that you or your partner must be doing 'something wrong', and if only you would raise your hips, use OPK's, have more sex, time sex better, 'get the job done', or whatever, you would get your take home baby. Unfortunately, many of the people we confide in about our struggles can not empathize (though if you do have a fellow IFer in real life, one who remains an IFer even after succeeding, hold on to them) and can only offer misguided advice. Usually it's with good intentions, so don't fault them, but don't let it drag you down either. They just don't understand and (likely) never will.
Be stong, fellow IFers. No, your time may never come, though I hope for a take home baby for each and every one of you. But in the meantime, during this painful journey, be kind to yourself. It's not your fault.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
The benefits of being childless
This is a make myself feel better post - I've been a bit mopey about the TTC thing lately. Obviously I'd give all of these benefits up for us to have a child of our own, but in the meantime:
Ah, that's better. Make anyone jealous? Probably not.
We have our first appointment with the adoption homestudy lady this coming Monday night. It's nice to be moving along - it's been almost a year since we started this whole process. As well, I've made an appointment with our RE to tell her (yes, TELL her, not ask) that we are doing further immunology investigation and that I'd like another Lap before we do the FET. I have been having severe twisting ouchy pain in my ovaries, especially the left (the one where I had my ectopic last year), and especially during AF. Makes me wonder if I have some scar tissue and/or endometriosis in there. Really, I just want to make sure everything is good to go and all cleaned out when we finally do this FET.
- I can sleep until 11 on the weekend if I want to AND I sleep through every night (almost).
- We don't have a pay a babysitter so we can go on much needed 'dates'.
- I never smell like baby poop or puke.
- I can wear nice clothes any time I want.
- We can take last minute trips.
- The only person I have to consider when making decisions is Derek.
- We have a lot of money to spend on ourselves.
- My house is (relatively) clean.
- We can watch R rated movies at 3 in the afternoon.
- We can have sex any time and anywhere we want (sorry mom and dad).
Ah, that's better. Make anyone jealous? Probably not.
We have our first appointment with the adoption homestudy lady this coming Monday night. It's nice to be moving along - it's been almost a year since we started this whole process. As well, I've made an appointment with our RE to tell her (yes, TELL her, not ask) that we are doing further immunology investigation and that I'd like another Lap before we do the FET. I have been having severe twisting ouchy pain in my ovaries, especially the left (the one where I had my ectopic last year), and especially during AF. Makes me wonder if I have some scar tissue and/or endometriosis in there. Really, I just want to make sure everything is good to go and all cleaned out when we finally do this FET.
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