Struggles with Infertility

Being a parent is not something that everyone has as a goal in life. But once you decide that you want to be a parent, and you are unable to, your life can either unravel, or you can try to find meaning in your struggles. This blog is me trying to find meaning.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Dealing with family babies when you're dealing with infertility

I come from a family of three girls. I am the oldest, and the other two are in their early and mid-20's, both married. My middle sister, as you know, also has infertility issues which were caused by cancer treatments for Hodgkin's Disease when she was a teenager (she had it twice, but has thankfully been in remission for about ten years now). My youngest sister was diagnosed with endometriosis in December 2010 and her doctor recommended that she get pregnant. I know this is one of the 'solutions' for endo, but I was a little WTF? when I heard this.

Anyhow, she went off birth control and got pregnant her first month off the pill. I would never wish infertility on anyone, but at the same time, I was jealous and felt like it was unfair. I found out she was pregnant while I was going through my second of three failed IUI's. I was very emotional and didn't handle it well, though I know her intentions with the way she told me were good. It was just very hard for me, as I'm sure it is for many infertile couples who have friends and family around them having babies, often more than one, while they remain childless.

Leah was born on September 25, ten days after my birthday. I got regular updates during the birth from my parents and saw pictures within a few minutes (the miracle of technology!). Even after her birth, while I was happy for my sister and her husband, I was still somewhat thankful that we lived so far away from each other and I was able to avoid a face to face situation. However, Christmas arrived and Derek and I were heading home for an early Christmas with my family.

I am in a good place right now emotionally, so felt prepared. My other sister told me she had cried when she held Leah the first time, and my mom told me 'when you look at Leah, you will see what your children will look like.' This scared me. How will I react? Will this Christmas be a horrible emotional drain on me? Am I going to devastate my sister? Am I even going to be able to hold her?

When I held Leah for the first time, and every time after that, I was in love. I felt exactly what a happy aunt should feel: love, pride, hope, joy, happiness. She's my little niece, and she fell asleep while I rocked her and she slept on my chest. I look forward to watching her grow up, amaze me with how smart she is, how kind she is, how funny she is. I can't wait for her to drive her mom crazy and call me asking if she can come visit because I'm the fun, cool aunt that takes her skiing and hiking.

And I can't wait to give her a cousin.

Friday, December 9, 2011

They're putting my sister on Viagra

My sister's last ultrasound did not bring good news. Her lining had only thickened to 5 mm, far below what they like to see. So, we're on to the next protocol.

Interestingly enough, the standard prescription for men with erectile disfunction also works for women with issues related to thin uterine lining. Viagra works by improving blood flow - like it does to the penis - and therefore facilitates better transfer of estrogen to the uterus. This makes total sense for Lara's situation. She has not had a period in over ten years, and I know that the body, over time, will reduce blood flow to areas of the body it is no longer using. The veins and vessels will retract and shorten, and her uterus, which hasn't been in use for over a decade, minimizes the amount of blood flow. The body is amazingly efficient!

Going forward, Lara has started taking progesterone to bring on a period and shed what lining she built up. She will be going on a combined estrogen patch and pill protocol, along with the Viagra. If this works out, her first ultrasound to measure her lining is on January 3.

Another bump in the road, but at least we're making progress! I'd much rather we figure this stuff out now then later, when we're in to the big bucks.

In other news, Derek and I leave next Sunday (the 18th) to drive up north to see my family and meet my new niece for the first time. I can't wait to see my family!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Mock Mock Cycles

(Only my family will get that title!)

So we're still in a bit of a holding pattern at the moment. As I mentioned in September, my sister has to do two mock cycles to see how she responds to the protocol they have her on. Basically, they're forcing her uterus to go through a menstural cycle, but without the ovulation bit. So they give her estrogen to build up the lining, and then once it gets nice and thick, they give her progesterone so she gets her period.

Unfortunately, through a series of miscommunications, her first mock cycle in October was a complete bust. There was a mix up in dosing instructions somewhere between the clinic and the pharmacy, and Lara ended up taking progesterone during the first half of her cycle, which she isn't supposed to do. She did build up a nice lining eventually, but the test results weren't going to be representative, so we had to start all over again.

Her second first mock cycle started almost three weeks ago. She had her first ultrasound last week, and after two weeks on Estrace, her lining was only at 4.4 mm with a barely there triple stripe (trilaminar). They like to see 7 mm or more, and a clear triple stripe, for an embryo transfer. So, she's continued on 6 mg of Estrace for the last week and has another ultrasound today. Hopefully her lining is developing well and we can move on to the second mock cycle. If it's not doing so well, they're going to try a different protocol and we have to start all over AGAIN! So much waiting. Fingers crossed for a good ultrasound!

By the way, my baby fever has lately kicked in to overdrive. I am surrounded by pregnant women and babies right now, and my craving for one of my own is sometimes overpowering. It's doubly hard because Derek and I are preventing right now in preparation for the IVF and it feels so weird. I guess it gets rid of the stress of the TWW, which is nice, but it still makes me a bit sad that we are losing time.