Our last Two Week Wait for a while

Well, the deed is done and we're officially in the two week wait. I find myself feeling somewhat disconnected from it all this time, like I almost don't care either way if it works or not. I think part of that is because we have a plan if this doesn't work. After the IUI on Saturday, I made a follow up appointment with my doctor at the end of April to go over the next steps and discuss the tests I'll need to get done over the summer to prep for IVF. I'm also pretty excited to take a break. I didn't think I'd ever be excited to NOT try to conceive, but it's surprising how stressful it is. Getting rid of that stress for a few months is going to be a huge relief!

Let me start by saying that Derek's count was 25.3 million, which is fantastic. It's sort of all over the place it seems - hopefully that's normal! Now, about my IUI. You'd think the third would be easy breezy, but no can do. It was the worst by a large margin.

**Don't read if you're squeamish!**

As usual, the nurse went over exactly what the process is, showed me the catheter, and had me get comfortable. She inserted the speculum and told me she was going to start inserting the catheter. Pain like nothing else and intense cramps started radiating from my uterus - I think I almost broke Derek's hand at one point. She kept trying to shove that thing through my cervix (I'm sure she was actually being very, very gentle, but I was on the other side of it) and it just wouldn't go. She told me that she was able to get about two thirds through my cervix but not all the way through. I was starting to get worried that we would have to cancel, but she said she'd go and get the doctor.

Ever lie in a room with your pants off, legs spread wide open, with a speculum stuck up you? Not pleasant!

The doctor came in and, with a little maneuvering, was able to get the catheter through at last. My first thought after it was all done was if I can't take that amount of pain, how the hell am I supposed to get through childbirth? I guess we'll see when it happens, which it will (right?).

Happy Monday!

The second worst stick to pee on

Ovulation Predictor Kits. The waiting and anticipation for days on end, waiting for that test line that's darker then the control line, or your smiley face. Each time the test is negative, you refresh your resolve and look forward to testing the next day. If you're regular, like I am, you know around which day you'll ovulate and continue feeling somewhat positive, but those women with irregular cycles have my deepest sympathy. I could not imagine peeing on an OPK day after day with the hope of a positive, but such uncertainty every time. I've seen some women who have 90+ day cycles, with weeks of negative OPKs.

Anyhow, I use the Clearblue Digital OPK kit. It's a handy little kit, but expensive - $50 for seven tests. What I love most about it is the smiley face. If you haven't started your LH surge yet (indicates ovulation), you get an empty circle, but if you have...you get that oh so wonderful smiley face!

OPKs are generally used mid-day, somewhere between 2:00 pm and 8:00 pm, though there are always those exceptions that test best first thing in the morning. I test best mid-day, so that means I test at work. I covertly insert the test stick in to the reader at my desk, being sure to cover the wrapper with my garbage so no one sees it and wonders (it looks like a pregnancy test wrapper). I put the stick under my jacket in my armpit and go to the bathroom. I pee on the stick. I put it back in my armpit and walk back to my desk. I set it down next to my computer screen, hidden from passerby's.

*blink, blink, blink*

It's thinking....

*blink, blink, blink*

I keep glancing at it, looking for the smiley face...

*blink, blink, blink*

It's almost as bad as a pregnancy test!

*blink, blink, bl....

Wish us luck!

Cycle Day 10 Ultrasound

I went in for a cycle day 10 ultrasound yesterday morning. I requested this myself because I'm on my sixth Clomid cycle and I've never been monitored. Clomid is notorious for thinning the endometrial lining, so I wanted to double check.

My lining was 7mm - perfect - and I have three good follicles growing in there.

I think they were a bit confused about why I was there because the ultrasound tech said I needed to come back in two days...well, I'm not on injectables or triggering, and this was patient requested, so I'm not sure it's necessary. I only went in for my peace of mind, and since it looks like all is well, I don't feel the need to go in for a repeat.

Plus, it's $120 each ultrasound (man they must rake it in, my appointment was about 5 minutes!), and these costs add up fast. So far we've paid out $1200 for these treatments, with another $250 owing when we go in for the IUI this weekend. Can't wait for the cost of IVF...NOT!

Putting your life on hold while TTC

The big question: Do you put your life on hold because you might get pregnant?

Do you look for a new job if you are unhappy in your current job? Do you put off a vacation because you don't want to travel while pregnant? Do you stop running/cycling/swimming and give up summer races?

I'm facing all of these questions, and have been for years. I have to admit that I have put off things that I otherwise wouldn't have. I was wary about signing up for a half marathon at the end of May, and committing to a one week cycling training camp in Penticton in the same month. I did eventually sign up for both, but it took a lot of back and forth to get to that point.

What about looking for a new job? For Derek and I, if I were to get a new job, that might mean we hold off on the TTC game until I get comfortable in the new role and don't feel bad about taking maternity leave. Not to mention that I wouldn't get all of the same protection from a new job if I've been there for less then 12 months before I go on maternity leave (i.e. at most jobs, you must work at a job for 12 months before you are guaranteed a job when you return from maternity leave). It's a tough spot to be in, especially if you really do need to find a new job, but you feel like you're wasting time by not trying.

But then, what is more important? Who cares if I start a new job and three months later I'm pregnant? Isn't pregnancy and our family more important? Or is job security more important?

At what point do you stop putting things on hold and start living life again? How much hope do you have to lose before you get to the point that you continue to live your life because you know you won't be pregnant by then anyhow? I sure don't have the answer, and I doubt there is one.

The things we do to try and get knocked up.

Just to pass the time until the IUI, I've started thinking about the things we infertiles do to try and get pregnant. We've been trying for three years now, and let me tell you, there are a lot of suggestions out there about increasing your chances of a natural pregnancy. Not to mention all the advice you get from fertiles, who, though they are well meaning, often sort of miss the ball ("Oh, you've been trying for two and a half years? There are these little things called Ovulation Predictor Kits that you can use. I got pregnant my first month using one, so maybe it'll work for you!" or "You need to do it every day/every second day/twice a week when you're ovulating...are you having sex enough?").

Things I've given up somewhat or entirely:

Alcohol
Caffeine
Having cold feet (this is a Chinese Medicine thing)
Any pain medication other then Tylenol
Hard exercise in the two week wait

Things that I have done because they are supposed to help me get pregnant:


Acupuncture (there is actually a bit of science backing this one)
Yoga (this one too)
Meditation (this is more for my mental health)
Charting my temperature each morning at the same time
Ovulation Predictor Kits
Evening Primrose Oil
Vitex
Dong Quai
Omega 3-6-9
FertileCM
PreSeed
Instead Cups
SMEP (Sperm Meets Egg Plan)
Progesterone cream in the two week wait
Elevating my hips with a pillow after sex
Putting my legs up the wall after sex
Standing on my head after sex
Not getting out of bed for the night after sex, even though I had to pee SO BAD
Exercising less
Exercising more

Things that I have been told would help, but haven't tried:

Grapefruit juice (supposed to help with fertile cervical mucus)
Vitamin B6 (to increase the length of your LP)
Robitussin (again with the fertile CM)
Wild Yam
Baby carrots (yeah, this one's for my fellow infertiles over at Fertility Friend)

I will grant that I did get pregnant once (and had a miscarriage) while using PreSeed and an Instead Cup, though that was the second month I was on 50mg Clomid...so, it was likely the Clomid.

Next time, let's tally up the costs involved in trying to conceive! Those OPK's and pregnancy tests get expensive, especially when you're addicted to peeing on sticks like I am.

I also just wanted to throw this in - I found this when I was looking up the links for this post: The Little Deeper cushion.  I'm totally buying one.

The process has begun, yet again.

The fertility clinic finally called me back today to set everything up. I am to start taking my Clomid tonight and continue for five days. I start using my OPK's to detect my LH surge on March 22nd, and plan for the IUI somewhere between March 26 and 28. Going by my very predictable cycle, it'll be on the 27th.

I asked about an ultrasound to check on how things look in there as I'm getting ready to ovulate and she said the doctor doesn't think it's necessary, so I'd have to pay out of pocket. $120. I figure it's a pretty small price to pay for my own peace of mind. They'll be doing the ultrasound on cycle day 10, which is March 22nd (same day I start my OPK's).

I'm considering lowering my dose to 50mg instead of the 100mg I've been on for the past two cycles. I was told I was put on 100mg because that's "the standard" for IUI's, but I do ovulate on my own, so I'm a bit confused. Clomid has been shown to thin the endometrium (lining) with higher doses - hence my request for an ultrasound - so I'm slightly concerned. I start taking it at about 9 pm tonight, so I have about six hours to decide.

On to Lucky Number Three!

Hope springs eternal...oddly enough, I am hopeful for this cycle already. It has to work this time, right?

I just called and left a message at the fertility clinic letting them know I'm starting a new cycle and ready for round three. This time I've requested that I have an ultrasound just prior to ovulation. You see, Clomid is notorious for thinning the lining, and a thin lining does not make a comfortable cushion for an embryo. So, I want to see what's going on in there. I'm hoping it's not too expensive to do the ultrasound, but I'm betting on at least $200.

It's so weird how these first two weeks go by so fast, and the last two weeks draaaaaag on. Before you know it, it'll be IUI day, and then the horrible wait begins. Where you analyze every twinge and pain because it could mean implantation. Where you stab at your boobs so much you can't tell if they're tender from pregnancy, PMS or from stabbing at them so much. Where you lie in bed at night with your hands over your lower abdomen talking to your uterus and the possible little embryo in there, telling it to snuggle in and hoping beyond hope that something is working right in there. Where you get the urge to do a pregnancy test - one of the cheap online ones you buy in bags of 50 - when you're only five days past ovulation, even though you know it's WAY too early. And where you try not to think or stress about it, but, like that pink elephant (quick, what are you thinking about right now?), it's all you think about.

Here's to number three, lucky cycle number 37!

The hope and horror of test day

I had a plan for today, test day. I was going to get up with Derek, who was going to work today, do a CBE Digital Pregnancy test, jump back in bed, and let him wait and then tell me what it said. I've had dreams over the last week of him coming in and telling me I'm pregnant, regardless of the fact that I felt very little hope this month. Everything worked out and I was finally pregnant, right on lucky cycle 36. I had dreams that after exactly three years, the sperm finally met the egg and we were going to be parents!

I woke up at 6:30 am having to pee. I started peeing in to a cup to save my first morning urine for when we were both up. I wiped. There it was. My period, right on time.

So, the second IUI didn't work. We have one more, and then we take the entire summer off. I feel like I have to start preparing myself for the inevitable third failure and then brace myself for just not trying, when that's all I've been doing for three years. I know it's for the benefit of my mental health, but it's going to be so hard.

I guess the silver lining is that I didn't waste an expensive digital test today. Is that even a silver lining?

If only dreams were premonitions

Last night I had a vivid dream that when I did my pregnancy test this Sunday it was positive. It was a weird looking test, but it was a digital, and in a convoluted way it told me I was pregnant. It's hours later and I'm awake and I can still feel the joy and hope I felt in my dream.

I've decide that on Sunday morning we will wake up (Derek is working), I will POAS (pee on a stick) - a Clearblue digital I've already purchased three of - and then I'll crawl back in bed. Derek can wait for the results and then come and tell me what it says.

Honestly, I don't feel hopeful today. I've been crampy for three days now, and my boobs are really sore, but this is par for the course. It sucks that PMS is so similar to pregnancy symptoms.

In an effort to 'keep living my life', I registered for a half marathon this morning, and it'll happen on May 29. I've always been a runner, but have been slacking for a few months. I need to get back to something that'll help me destress.

The two week wait after IUI #2

So here I am, 10 DPO, after IUI #2 with a negative pregnancy test this morning. I had a lot of hope for this one, and know it's still early. When we did our first IUI last month, Derek's post wash sperm count was 7 million - a good enough number, but nothing exceptional.

This time his post wash count was 67 million, a dramatic increase. I was shocked when the nurse told me!

Both cycles I've been on 100mg of Clomid, though I ovulate on my own. I suppose they're trying to give the sperm more than one target, or trying to increase the quality of my eggs. I am not triggering, just using OPKs to detect ovulation.

If this one doesn't work, we have one more IUI on the books, and then we've decided to take three months off to re-focus and give my body a break. I am still not sure how I'm going to actually take a break, and how I'll deal with it emotionally. I just feel like us being parents will never happen, and taking a break is wasting precious time if it is going to happen. I'm 30 and feel like I'm getting too old, too fast. I don't want to be an old mom, and Derek doesn't want to be an old dad. He's put our deadline at his 34th birthday, which is just over four years from now. Considering we've been at this for three years already with no success, I feel like that's just not enough time.

But, I need a mental break. I feel myself getting depressed and anxious, and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I'm almost considering not doing the next IUI, though I know I will when it comes down to it.

I wish, wish, wish this would just happen already.

This blog.

This blog is for me, though you may find comfort in it too, knowing you're not alone. I've decided to share our ongoing struggle with fertility and our quest to have our first child together. We both desperately want to be parents and have not been successful in our three years of trying to conceive.

We started trying after my husband, Derek, graduated from his fire fighter training in May, 2007. He settled in to the Fire Department immediately and loves his job, especially his specialty (ha, see what I did there?), water rescue. I work in an office in Environment, and am not happy with where I am right now. I'm in the process of applying to enter a Masters of Arts program. Why? Because I'm trying not to put my life on hold.

We have one dog, Khuno, a husky/shepherd cross who we adopted after fostering him for the rescue organization we volunteer with. We also have an old, fat cat names Tiko.

We live in Calgary, Alberta in a nice, family neighborhood. Perfect for raising kids. Part of the reason we chose this house was because we expected to have a family soon. But, three years later and the house is still empty.

So, here I go with my blog. I hope we all find comfort in these written words.