Struggles with Infertility

Being a parent is not something that everyone has as a goal in life. But once you decide that you want to be a parent, and you are unable to, your life can either unravel, or you can try to find meaning in your struggles. This blog is me trying to find meaning.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The two week wait after IUI #2

So here I am, 10 DPO, after IUI #2 with a negative pregnancy test this morning. I had a lot of hope for this one, and know it's still early. When we did our first IUI last month, Derek's post wash sperm count was 7 million - a good enough number, but nothing exceptional.

This time his post wash count was 67 million, a dramatic increase. I was shocked when the nurse told me!

Both cycles I've been on 100mg of Clomid, though I ovulate on my own. I suppose they're trying to give the sperm more than one target, or trying to increase the quality of my eggs. I am not triggering, just using OPKs to detect ovulation.

If this one doesn't work, we have one more IUI on the books, and then we've decided to take three months off to re-focus and give my body a break. I am still not sure how I'm going to actually take a break, and how I'll deal with it emotionally. I just feel like us being parents will never happen, and taking a break is wasting precious time if it is going to happen. I'm 30 and feel like I'm getting too old, too fast. I don't want to be an old mom, and Derek doesn't want to be an old dad. He's put our deadline at his 34th birthday, which is just over four years from now. Considering we've been at this for three years already with no success, I feel like that's just not enough time.

But, I need a mental break. I feel myself getting depressed and anxious, and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I'm almost considering not doing the next IUI, though I know I will when it comes down to it.

I wish, wish, wish this would just happen already.

1 comment:

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