Struggles with Infertility

Being a parent is not something that everyone has as a goal in life. But once you decide that you want to be a parent, and you are unable to, your life can either unravel, or you can try to find meaning in your struggles. This blog is me trying to find meaning.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

What it Means to Finally Live

It's been two months since I last posted, and though I think about updating on at least a weekly basis, I've been putting it off. Why? Because I've been really busy with work, travel and leisure, but also because it's hard to put on paper where we are right now, and what direction we will go.

A week or so after my last post, where I said my PAP came back abnormal and we'd be on hold until I could go in for a colposcopy (estimating June or July), I got a call from the clinic. While I feel comfort knowing that I live in a country with universal health care, in many areas that means wait times for procedures. When they told me my appointment was November 3rd, I couldn't reply for a moment, I was in shock. When my mind caught up, I asked if there was a cancellation list, and was told there was not. November. Cue break down.

The cycle of emotions we have gone through during this whole process wears on a person, and it wears on a couple. We have had difficult times, and we have become stronger by working through them. My perspective on life in general is different now than it was even three or four years ago. I remember a time (and I'm sure many of you reading this are in the same space) when I would put everything on hold "just in case". Just in case I got pregnant. Just in case I was about to ovulate. Just in case we couldn't have sex at the right time. There will be a point in your journey, if you make it as far as I have, where you realize you can't do that any more. So you start to live your life a little more, but it's still there, you still think of it every day, you still wonder if this month is the month. You still plan for your next fertility treatment, and you still take your high folic prenatals, your Omega-3's and your Vitamin D3. And then there will come a time when you just can't do it any more.

That call, with the realization that we were looking at a minimum of a year wait until we are good to go again (much more if I need to do a LEEP), was that moment for me, and for us. I stopped everything TTC, and decided to really, truly live. I will never forget Derek's words to me - he said "You haven't lived your life for over seven years because of this, and when you did take a partial break, you were in school. Maybe it's time you just lived your life?" It broke my heart at the same time it started to mend it. The last couple of months have been the most relaxing, carefree, REAL months I've experienced in a long, long time. I stopped all supplements, stopped tracking my cycle, and stopped scheduling sex. I started running harder, riding my bike more, and spending time doing the things I love. And it's really nice. Nice enough that if I'm totally honest, I would admit that I'm to the point now where I'm almost done. I say almost because we still have two frosties, and I don't know what to do with them. I guess we have at least 9 months to decide, but for now, I'm just going to live.