Waiting isn't half the battle, it's the ENTIRE battle.

You know how when you were a little kid at Christmas time you wanted to peek inside your gifts? Maybe you'd shake them around a bit to try and guess what's inside? You'd look for a little rip in the wrapping paper that might give you a little clue as to what it is? Sometimes you'd try and carefully peel the tape away and take a look inside because it was SOOOOOO hard to wait until Christmas Day!

That's me right now. I'm 10DPO and I really, really, really want to test. Even though I know it's probably too early, I still want to do it. I even said to myself the day of the IUI that this month I wouldn't even think about it, but nope, as soon as the second week rolls around, I start obsessing. Chances of a successful IUI go down the more you do, and my logical brain knows this, but my emotional brain keeps up that everlasting hope.

If I'm honest with myself, I realize that all the symptoms I have are ones that I have every month, so they don't mean anything. I'm getting mild cramps, which happens every month. My boobs are on FIRE, but that's totally normal too. But why is it that I convince myself that it's different this time?

I'm starting to prepare myself for moving on and taking a break for a few months. I do have things to look forward to this summer, and it will be nice to not be burdened by a thermometer, or OPKs, or doing IUIs, but I think I'll also miss it. I'll miss the hope.

The hope and horror of test day

I had a plan for today, test day. I was going to get up with Derek, who was going to work today, do a CBE Digital Pregnancy test, jump back in bed, and let him wait and then tell me what it said. I've had dreams over the last week of him coming in and telling me I'm pregnant, regardless of the fact that I felt very little hope this month. Everything worked out and I was finally pregnant, right on lucky cycle 36. I had dreams that after exactly three years, the sperm finally met the egg and we were going to be parents!

I woke up at 6:30 am having to pee. I started peeing in to a cup to save my first morning urine for when we were both up. I wiped. There it was. My period, right on time.

So, the second IUI didn't work. We have one more, and then we take the entire summer off. I feel like I have to start preparing myself for the inevitable third failure and then brace myself for just not trying, when that's all I've been doing for three years. I know it's for the benefit of my mental health, but it's going to be so hard.

I guess the silver lining is that I didn't waste an expensive digital test today. Is that even a silver lining?

If only dreams were premonitions

Last night I had a vivid dream that when I did my pregnancy test this Sunday it was positive. It was a weird looking test, but it was a digital, and in a convoluted way it told me I was pregnant. It's hours later and I'm awake and I can still feel the joy and hope I felt in my dream.

I've decide that on Sunday morning we will wake up (Derek is working), I will POAS (pee on a stick) - a Clearblue digital I've already purchased three of - and then I'll crawl back in bed. Derek can wait for the results and then come and tell me what it says.

Honestly, I don't feel hopeful today. I've been crampy for three days now, and my boobs are really sore, but this is par for the course. It sucks that PMS is so similar to pregnancy symptoms.

In an effort to 'keep living my life', I registered for a half marathon this morning, and it'll happen on May 29. I've always been a runner, but have been slacking for a few months. I need to get back to something that'll help me destress.