You know how when something really bad is happening in your life, you say you 'wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy'? Well, when I become a 'Bitter Infertile', I do wish it on other people. I hate myself for it later on, but in the moment, I want other people, people who have had it lucky, to share in my pain and sadness. I have to restrain myself from making snide comments, and reassure myself that next week I'll feel much happier about life in general, but during the few days before my period shows up, when I'm dealing with PMS bitchiness combined with the fact that I'm sure I'm not pregnant, yet again, I wallow in my sorrow.
The bitchiness came out last night. My sister, who is early in her second trimester and who became pregnant the month after coming off birth control, complained on Facebook last night that she felt like garbage and pregnancy wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I commented that she should be thankful and that I would give anything to feel like garbage. I immediately regretted the comment, but left it, because the 'Bitter Infertile' in me wants to spread out the anger and sadness I feel so that maybe I won't have to deal with it all by myself. Comments like these are unfair for me to make to those who have been blessed, and I apologize to my sister for trying to make her feel bad for being blessed (as I'm sure she's reading this).
I suppose I still don't know for sure that I'm not pregnant - I am supposed to get my period tomorrow - but everything points to it not being our month yet. Part of the reason I'm feeling so angry is because I now have to face months of not trying. Derek needs a break, and though I hate to admit it, so do I. I know next week I'll feel better about all this and the relief of not trying will come back, but I also know that in four weeks, when I get my period, I'll go through this again.
No comments:
Post a Comment