The book is slowly closing on this chapter in our journey. I got my period this morning. I knew it was coming, but I still had a shred of hope. When I woke up early this morning, I was cramping, but didn't actually have my period yet. I spent the first 30 minutes of my morning searching Fertility Friend for charts that showed women who had negative tests on 13 days past ovulation, and positive tests on 14 DPO. There were many, and I used that to build up my hope just a little bit. I got up and waited.
I didn't have to wait long. I'm in full blown unused uterine lining shed mode now. My boobs are less sore, I'm cramping and I'm craving sugar and carbs.
Tonight I was going to pack everything up, but I just can't face it yet. I'll get it done, I just need a few days. I have multiple used negative pregnancy tests in various drawers of the house (yes, I save most of them - yes, it's weird), including my 19DPO test from my pregnancy last July. I don't know if I can throw that one away - is it a cruel reminder of what I lost, or a reminder of the hope I'm holding on to, the proof that I can get pregnant?
I still don't know how I'm going to stop trying, really. How do I stop tracking what day I am in my cycle? How do I not think 'I know I'm really fertile right now'? I even looked at the calendar this morning to see if Derek's visit to Ontario to see family late this month would interfere with our chances this cycle - it does. I was disappointed.
So what's next? We have an appointment on April 20th at the fertility clinic to discuss next steps to look forward to. Other then that, I'm trying not to think too far ahead. I'm focusing on other things that are important to me - running, cycling, our upcoming trips, losing a few pounds, looking at other employment opportunities, possibly going back to university for my Masters. Maybe I can focus my newfound free time on the things I love, and eventually, somehow, I'll stop thinking about it all the time.
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