Stupid Fertiles

When you are infertile, especially when it’s been years since you’ve started trying to conceive, you forgot what it was like in the beginning and start to feel resentment and even anger at these damn fertiles. With the wonderful world of ‘The Internet’ at our fingertips, and the even more awesome advent of forums and message boards, us infertiles have the pleasure of reading the accounts of those stupid (often ill-informed) fertiles with relative disdain.

1.)    “OMG, we’ve been trying for four months and nothing has happened! I’ve been temping and using OPK’s and we have perfect intercourse timing and, OMG, I’m still not pregnant! I’m so saaaaaaad. What is wrong with me?”

What’s wrong with you? Probably nothing. It’s been FOUR MONTHS. For crying out loud, a normal, healthy couple, where the woman is under 35, can take up to a year to conceive. A year! Calm down, you still have eight months to go before you need to start getting concerned.

2)    “There are two lines on this test, right? So I’m pregnant? Uh, what do I do now?”

Are you f*cking kidding me? Did you not think past the end of your nose when you decided to try to have a child? Yes, these are the people that are bringing children in to the world while I sit here with a uterus as empty as Pamela Anderson’s head.

3)    “I’m trying for my seventh child and swinging for a girl! I really hope we don’t get a boy this time.”

Lucky you, getting a whole passel of kids. What are you going to do if you don’t get the sex of your choice? Hey, I’ll take it! I just want one, and I don’t care what the sex is, as long as it’s healthy!

4)    “I’m seven weeks post partum and I just got a positive pregnancy test! My beta is too high for it to be residual HCG, so this is a new pregnancy. My OB/GYN told me to hold off on having sex for a few months, but I did it anyway. Oops!”

Haaaaaaahahahahahaha! Oops is right you stupid knocked up bag o’ flesh!  Have fun with that!

5)    “Yay! I just got my positive pregnancy test! Here’s what I did differently this month: Soy from CD 3 – 10, Vitex, B12, Prenatal, Acupuncture, Yoga, progesterone cream, OPK’s, sex every second day until O and then twice a day for four days, elevated my hips, and used Pre-Seed every time.”

I’m pretty sure the fact that you’re 28 and this is your third month of trying to get pregnant is the reason that you got knocked up, not any of that other stuff.

6)    “Hey infertile! I’ve been TTC for seven months now, so even though you’ve been TTC for 42 months and have undergone multiple treatments and tests and procedures, and have been researching for years, I know more then you, so stop trying to correct me when I say you can use an OPK as a pregnancy test.”

Ok, keep using an OPK as a pregnancy test, and when you by chance get a positive pregnancy test after a positive OPK a few months from now, come and brag about how you’re right and then look up ‘confirmation bias’.

Sometimes I feel like I just need to log off to avoid the rage I feel at some of these idiots. I mean, I’m sure I was there once (well, not quite, I did have a basic understanding of biology, that’s for sure), but once we decided we were ready for a family, I did my research. Being prepared is a good thing, so is knowing what you’re in for. Having a child isn’t something that should be taken lightly – it’s a new life, one you are in charge of for at least 18 years. Take it seriously and don’t be a Stupid Fertile.