We have been TTC since early 2007, which means we are just about to start year nine. That is a very long time, almost a quarter of my life by the numbers. Over the years, and especially recently, I reflect on our journey and where it's taken us. This is one part of it that I wanted to share.
This journey has been HARD on our marriage. We have had screaming, throwing things, slamming doors fights about infertility and what our next steps should be. Over the past eight+ years, we have very rarely been on the exact same page about the path forward. Early on when I was pushing for multiple IVF cycles in a row because I was panicking about getting older and was desperate to have a baby, he wanted me to take time to let my body recover. It drove me crazy and I was very angry at him.
About a year ago I finally passed that point where I truly am ok with being child free and it's time to move on (and have posted as much in this blog), but he is adamant that he wants to give it one more go for a biological child with a gestational surrogate - still not on the exact same page.
But through all this struggle, we have remembered (sometimes with the help of the therapist we have been with for as long as we've been on this journey) that it starts with the two of us, and celebrating the highs, working together through the lows, and learning how to compromise, has made us immeasurably strong together. Ultimately, I am happy with my husband, I feel lucky to have him in my life, and if it ends up being just the two of us, that's all I need.
Over the years I have observed many IF couples go through marriage break downs and divorces. It happens in staggering numbers. While in some cases there could have been systemic issues in the marriage that would have resulted in the same outcome regardless, I've often wondered if it was in part because they were so focused on the goal of having a child that they forgot to focus on each other.
For all those who are still in the midst of this, remember to take care of each other through this journey - you're in this together.
This journey has been HARD on our marriage. We have had screaming, throwing things, slamming doors fights about infertility and what our next steps should be. Over the past eight+ years, we have very rarely been on the exact same page about the path forward. Early on when I was pushing for multiple IVF cycles in a row because I was panicking about getting older and was desperate to have a baby, he wanted me to take time to let my body recover. It drove me crazy and I was very angry at him.
About a year ago I finally passed that point where I truly am ok with being child free and it's time to move on (and have posted as much in this blog), but he is adamant that he wants to give it one more go for a biological child with a gestational surrogate - still not on the exact same page.
But through all this struggle, we have remembered (sometimes with the help of the therapist we have been with for as long as we've been on this journey) that it starts with the two of us, and celebrating the highs, working together through the lows, and learning how to compromise, has made us immeasurably strong together. Ultimately, I am happy with my husband, I feel lucky to have him in my life, and if it ends up being just the two of us, that's all I need.
Over the years I have observed many IF couples go through marriage break downs and divorces. It happens in staggering numbers. While in some cases there could have been systemic issues in the marriage that would have resulted in the same outcome regardless, I've often wondered if it was in part because they were so focused on the goal of having a child that they forgot to focus on each other.
For all those who are still in the midst of this, remember to take care of each other through this journey - you're in this together.
I definitely think infertility took a toll on my marriage, and that it played an indirect role in my divorce.
ReplyDeleteRegarding treatments, we were pretty much always on the same page, as far as I was aware. He was willing to go along with pretty much anything, because I think he saw how hard infertility was on me mentally, and if feeling proactive made me feel better, my emotions would be less inconvenient for him. ART took a lot of pressure off of our sex life, which was nice, but it never recovered from goal-oriented sex,and I felt rejected and unwanted and unloved. I felt kind of alone in my grief when I miscarried. Less the first time than the second time, when he seemed annoyed that I was "still" sad. And once we had a baby, I felt unsupported and unappreciated and alone, which was disappointing, because I'd been convinced he had wanted a baby as much as I had.
There were other huge factors that contributed more directly to separating, but the emotional complications related to infertility can't be dismissed.
I'm glad that despite the ups and downs and being on different pages, you still have a solid, intentional partnership. <3
I definitely think infertility took a toll on my marriage, and that it played an indirect role in my divorce.
ReplyDeleteRegarding treatments, we were pretty much always on the same page, as far as I was aware. He was willing to go along with pretty much anything, because I think he saw how hard infertility was on me mentally, and if feeling proactive made me feel better, my emotions would be less inconvenient for him. ART took a lot of pressure off of our sex life, which was nice, but it never recovered from goal-oriented sex,and I felt rejected and unwanted and unloved. I felt kind of alone in my grief when I miscarried. Less the first time than the second time, when he seemed annoyed that I was "still" sad. And once we had a baby, I felt unsupported and unappreciated and alone, which was disappointing, because I'd been convinced he had wanted a baby as much as I had.
There were other huge factors that contributed more directly to separating, but the emotional complications related to infertility can't be dismissed.
I'm glad that despite the ups and downs and being on different pages, you still have a solid, intentional partnership. <3