And Then There Were None

Over the last week, I've gone through multiple scenarios regarding our two little embryos in my head, going through the what if's. What if one is genetically normal? We would be scared we only had one, but hopeful that it was the golden embryo leading to the last, greatest chapter in our story. What if we had two? Even better, with our plan to do a single embryo transfer we get two chances at success, a little bit of insurance.

But the scenario I avoided thinking about was what if we had none. It was hard to think about, hard to talk about. We avoided verbalizing it for fear of negative thinking, of course this was going to work! We are doing everything right this time!

But, unfortunately, the scenario we couldn't stand to think about during the wait is what ultimately happened. Both embryos are genetically abnormal. Abnormal to the point that a live birth, if it got that far, would result in severe mental retardation and physical deformities.

I suppose the silver lining is that we might have some sort of answer after all these years. We produce really crappy embryos. We suspect it's my eggs, and Dr. Hudson confirmed that during our call. We briefly discussed the option of doing multiple IVF's in the hope that we might end up with a normal embryo, but that is so far outside of what I am willing to put myself and us through I immediately rejected it.

Onward, I suppose, to whatever the next step will be and we know we have some options. I have to come to terms with the fact that I will never pass on my genetic material - I think I'm ok with that, but it's still really shitty. Regardless, we'll be taking some time to think and refocus, and explore this new world we've found ourselves in.